Mengbingism

the first day of the trip

2011-07-27T17:01:00.000+08:00

It wasn't too long ago when i left my house n started towards changi airport to leave for Korea.. But it feels like I've been away for a very very long time.. i still rmb how i felt b4 the trip. how quite reluctant i was to leave my familiar environment n go to another country wif just one person i really knew.. of coz i was promised that the trip wld b full of fun n laughters, of joy n excitement.. but with those promises came also the stress n pressure of returning from there, the same way i was when i left.. it felt as if everyone was looking forward to some change in me when i returned.. it was that pressure that started to make me feel uneasy about going there the last few days b4 the trip.. but in the end i managed to finish packing n mounted on my brother in law's car n went on wif it..

i rmb meeting jieying, angielina n sophia upon arriving at the airport.. how strange i felt at that time as i've only seen angie once somewhere in school b4 n sophia doesn't look familiar at all even from a simple peek on her facebook profile through the group page.. it was also only at this time that i knew who exactly i was going to b sharing the plane with, for i felt that it was unnecessary to find out b4 hand.. i guess i cld say that i was really quite unprepared for this trip n i din feel the need to change that fact. so upon joey's arrival, we checked in n boarded rather uneventfully which of coz is a good thing in this sense..

on the plane i got to know joey slightly better as we took seats together.. prior to the trip i only knew her as someone in my tutorial class.. so we talked alittle on the plane b4 switching to airplane mode n took to our own worlds in adjacent seats.. we had to transit at shanghai b4 boarding the plane for Korea n i finally got to take the window seat for the very first time on that plane.. its interesting to look out the window of the plane but just as tiring to keep looking out so i concluded that it wasn't entirely much fun taking the window seat either..

upon arriving in Korea proper, we met up wif beverly, fong kay n diana, 2 of which i knew from 1st sem's tutorial class and the latter someone entirely new.. they arrived a few hours earlier than us but were waiting for sophia's arrival so we travelled from the airport together towards our new home to be... i couldn't get my 3 korean phones that i borrowed from my frens in singapore to work so i decided to go on without a phone whilst jieying, joey, sophia and angie rented phones at the airport.. so much for the only preparation i had b4 hand..

we reached yonsei's main gate but had no idea how to reach the north gate or our dorm.. or at least i had no idea.. haha.. diana was holding a map n seemed to know wats going on so i waited for a new direction to b made.. in the end we caught cabs that brought us up to our dorms n despite a little drizzle, thankfully of coz.. coz anything heavier wldnt haf been fun with all our luggages n stuff..

we settled in some time later n since i was the only guy in that group we had to part ways at the dorm n i headed to my room by myself.. turns out that wat we were promised of sharing a room wif a korean was utter bull as i wld b sharing the room wif Daniel Lacson.. someone who was supposed to b sharing the room with diana.. haha.. but he wasnt in the room when i reached so after settling my bags in place, i went back downstairs to regroup with the rest..

we went out for dinner somewhere nearby, but it wasn't exactly nearby coz we walked quite some ways out of north gate b4 eventually settling for a simple resturant.. i remember the first thing that i had in Korea was the 알밥 which wasn't too bad.. so after dinner we walked back to our dorm n split up for the rest of the nite..

i tried to get the internet in my room going but just couldn't do it no matter wat i tried.. so i gave up trying n took a bathe n waited for my room mate to return from wherever he was so as to ask him if he had internet access n whether he was any guru at these matters.. luckily he din come back too late n turned out that he was wif most of the other guys so i got introduced to junzhang n jia quan n ben proper b4 junzhang helped me settle my internet issues.. think i met david a while later as well n thus got to know the other 5 guys that i wld b sharing the same country for the next 4 weeks n more..

2011-03-27T16:39:00.003+08:00

Just went thru some of my facebook statuses over the past 2 years or so.. and this caught my eye..

有人会喜欢孤独吗？还是那只是一种习惯？若是习惯，那短暂的合群根本就只是伤害。习惯了的东西，最好还是不要去改变它。没有梦想，就不会失落。没有失落，就不会悲伤。人嘛，是我最讨厌自己的地方。

If only I wasn't human.

How true this is even til this day... haha.. I detest the weakness of my human side but yet there is nothing i can do about it... the sheer stupidity of me really tickles me sometimes...

2011-03-12T01:11:00.002+08:00

How important is a person's voice? I was never really bothered about keeping my voice in as good a status as it cld be. i juz always took it for granted.. but this few days i lost my voice... i could hardly speak a few words without coughing, and worse of all, i couldnt speak in certain ways...

rite now my speaking voice is back almost completely.. but the thing is, my singing voice has not returned.. and i'm actually quite worried that it mite nv return.. coz from how it is rite now, i cannot imagine how it can come back.. rite now its totally zero, so i cannot imagine the next morning when i wake up it will come back? so im a little worried really..

my sister says it will come back so i guess i can only wait..

sometimes i really enjoy lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling... its such a luxury......

2011-03-04T00:29:00.003+08:00

its quite easy to misunderstand me sometimes.. and perhaps sometimes, i just choose to be misunderstood? i dunno.. but really.. its quite silly how humans really are.. everytime i see someone doing something hateful or something stupid, i will detest humans a load more.. and the worst thing is probably, everytime i see myself doing something stupid, i detest humans a whole load more too.. and rite now i feel that i've been doing something stupid again.. because i tot i had already got past this stage or sealed it away a year ago.. but yet it still yearns to be open and because of the fact that i enjoy this, i suffer from it afterwards again... if i chose to close this so that i could avoid the suffering afterwards, would that be a stupid choice in itself? sometimes humans are really pathetic.. they only haf 2 paths and both are stupid.

2011-03-03T10:10:00.002+08:00

Generally speaking, I seriously don't like to lie at all. About anything and everything. I wished that i could just say whatever I feel. But one way or another, I always end up lying about something. Be it about the smallest thing in the world, or something that can so called misdirect people.

2011-02-27T19:32:00.003+08:00

I tot about writing an entry today time after time. but still i cldnt bring myself to write anything, becoz i've been playing facebook games.. lolx.. but of coz i've finally decided to bring myself to writing something. mainly becoz i'm feeling super unwell rite now.. started wif a bad cough this morning and now i'm really feeling sick.. so i lay on my bed and tot about some things that i've been making myself busy wif this few days.
it is about a girl. im not sure if i can say that it is obvious that i'l only b troubled by guy girl problems.. bcoz i've been living my own life thinking that my heart shld b dead by now since i've nv been even close to anyone b4. much less any single particular girl in my life. but yet i've always been attracted by girls that i meet, b it for the first time, or again after a long time.
this time, of coz, is about a girl that i've only met for once in my life. shes a korean that i got to noe thanks to signing up for a buddy program in nus and juz so happened that i got to noe this grp of pple who juz so happened to b able to jio this korean girl to our outing coz she came to singapore for holidays for that one week only. so after that she went back to korea n i nv got to see her again, except perhaps on facebook.
but im troubled not becoz i'm deeply in love wif her n not being able to c her is making me sick. thats not the case. the case here is that due to some reason, i decided that i cld take this chance to do something for her. initially i did not think i'l fall too deeply becoz i was clear about wat i was doing.. and perhaps up to now this remains the same.
but perhaps becoz this remains the same, i've begun to think y m i doing this? something that has no apparent returns for me. m i really so selfless that i cld do something thats so troublesome to me, juz so that i cld cheer her up? n im not even sure if i had that ability to cheer her up...
but all this perhaps does not matter. i do not regret making this decision n i will still go ahead n make all the preparations n try to let my presents n wishes reach her on time. wat matters perhaps is what i was thinking of when i lay on my bed resting my unhealthy body.
i tot to myself. that i was suffering by myself. nobody noes. nobody wld bother to noe. even if somebody knew, they wldnt do anything for me.
i lay there thinking. thinking about the things that i was going to do - the preparations for the gift. i tot, those things are solely for that one girl, it has no apparent benefit for myself now. i can only keep coughing and try to bear wif my unwell body.
perhaps im repeating myself over n over again. im not so clear headed rite now. but all i noe is that, i've always been a negative person. a pessimistic person.. so why does this society look down on me so? why why why why why why............................... perhaps i'm juz complaining becoz im sick.. when im well again i'l probably make another post.. which i hope wld b more explanatory than this one...

2010-11-03T22:52:00.002+08:00

Quite a rarity but someone's blog actually inspired me to write this entry.. ok so i guess its not exactly inspired n im not the one writing exactly.. i was juz intrigued to post about this Lost Odyssey story because I feel that this is what singapore is about.. especially after today's ssa tutorial on films telling us about those gender anxieties n what not nonsense.. but b4 that i had already felt that singapore really is like this....

Lottery of Life

Having kids is like playing the lottery.

That was how the police commissioner put it, with a grim smile and a sigh. He was the man in charge of domestic security.

"Sometimes you pick a winner, and sometimes you pick a loser.

Life is like that. You can't control it."

Kaim responded with a silent nod.

Not that he was convinced that you could divide people into "winners" and "losers."

But that was how they did it here in this country that was the size of a city. He had no choice but to recognize it as reality because the man who kept the peace here believed it, and this nation was known for having the best public safety of all the countries in the region.

"Every kid in there is a loser," he spat out, jerking his chin toward the juvenile prison visible from his office window.

Built to hold young criminals, this was the largest - and the most strictly run and most closely guarded - prison to be seen in any of the neighboring countries.

Its treatment of its young inmates was also the harshest.

"You're a foreigner, Kaim, so you may not approve, but we have our own way of doing things."

"I see," Kaim said.

"Losers are losers. There's nothing you can do to make losers into winners. It's never going to happen. Far from it. If you coddle losers, they just turn into bigger losers and give the decent people a lot of trouble. See what I mean?"

"That's one way of looking at things."

Kaim's deliberate irony was lost on the police commissioner.

"No. It's the only way - if you're going to have a safe, peaceful country," he declared. "And we'll expect you to abide by this view, too."

Kaim had nothing more to say to him.

If he were to insist on confronting the police commissioner, he might be seen as questioning the authorities, which could land him in the adults' prison. This would be easy enough to bring about for the police commissioner - and indeed for anyone in the city-state who stood on the side of the powers that be.

The commissioner glanced again toward the juvenile prison.

"They built that place eighty years ago," he said. "Which is to say, the very first building they made when the present political system came into being was a prison to throw young offenders into."

Kaim knew this.

For Kaim, whose life went on forever, events of eighty years before could well have happened yesterday.

Eighty years earlier, this country had experienced a coup d'etat. The revolutionary government ruled the people under a military dictatorship and jailed every last person suspected of disturbing the peace and order.

The government was especially wary of younger criminals.

"There's a limit to how serious a kid's crimes can be.

But let them get away with those, and the next thing you know they're doing really bad stuff. They might be satisfied with shoplifting at first, but soon they're into burglary, muggings, they start using weapons, and in the end they think nothing of killing people.

You have to nip them in the bud."

The kids sent to prison were fed the absolute minimum to keep them alive. No doctor saw them if they fell sick or were injured. Subjected to such harsh imprisonment, they succumbed one after another, and more than a few of them ended up as cold corpses pitched out the back door.

Whenever one did manage to serve out his term and return to the outside world, he found it impossible to erase the brand of "loser." Children with criminal records were soundly rejected by respectable society. The social system was structured in such a way that nothing worked for them: employment, marriage, even finding a place to live. Expelled by society, these boys and girls returned to crime as a way to stay alive, eventually ending up in adult prison.

With a bitter smile, the police commissioner said to Kaim, "I'm sure this all sounds terrible to an outsider like you."

Kaim answered with a slight nod.

This only served to increase the bitterness of the commissioner's smile.

"I know what you're thinking," he said.

"And to tell you the truth, I sometimes think the system is a little too harsh on them, too.

But you have to realize that we're not just punishing bad kids: We're also holding them up as an example to the good ones. What would they think if they saw the ex-criminals out on the street again walking along like nothing ever happened? They'd just figure that even if they got their hands dirty and spent a few years in jail, they could just go back to their old lives, that society's punishment is no big deal, that they can get away with murder. We wouldn't want our kids to be like that, would we? So the only thing is for us grownups to teach them. Look at those guys, we can say. All it takes is one bad deed and your life is over. So you'd better listen to your parents and teachers and be good."

He definitely had a point.

Kaim was willing to grant him that.

But still, the commissioner must have noticed a hint of shadow crossing Kaim's face, and he shifted his tone of voice.

With bureaucratic conviction, he declared, "The authorities have received word that there is going to be a coup. Of course the military have everything under control, so there is nothing to worry about. They could suppress it right now if they wanted to. They could easily attack the agitators and capture the ring leaders of the plot. In this case, though, they have decided to let it get started in order to smoke out every last one of the reactionary elements."

According to the government's intelligence, the uprising was scheduled to occur that very night.

"We are prepared to just about any eventuality, but there is always the possibility of the unexpected. If there were a riot inside the juvenile prison timed to coincide with the rebellion, that could be a real problem."

This is why Kaim had been hired as a temporary prison guard - a bodyguard for the state.

"We're counting on your skills as a seasoned warrior, which is why we're entrusting you with such a major responsibility. Be sure you live up to our expectations. If you have to resort to violence, we have no problem with that. Whatever you do, it will be for the sake of law and order. It will be in order to protect the happy lives of the decent citizens of our nation. Carry out your duties with complete dedication of body and soul."

The commissioner handed Kaim a one-page document.

It was, literal, a license to kill.

"And without the slightest restraint. All the prison guards have one of these."

"But still..."

"If you hesitate to impose the ultimate punishment on a single 'loser,' then countless 'winners' among the upstanding citizenry must suffer the consequences. You understand, I'm sure. Once a loser, always a loser. Rather than living with such a burden, they themselves might be happier to have you kill them and get it over with."

Kaim accepted the document from the commissioner without comment.

"that completes our contractual arrangement. Now assume your post."

With a perfectly straight face, the commissioner cautioned Kaim. "Just make sure you don't let any foolish compassion get in your way."

The season was mid-winter, but Kaim found no hint of fire burning in the juvenile prison. In their tiny solitary cells, the young inmates, wrapped in ragged blankets, lay helplessly in the dark. Painful moaning came from one cell, suggesting its inmate might be running a fever. From another came the unbroken shrill mean laughter that could only mean the person's mind had snapped.

"What you see is what you get," said the veteran guard guiding Kaim on his first round of inspection.

"Not one of those faces shows any life. So even if something were to happen, these pitiful creatures couldn't do a damn thing. They're 'losers' all right. They're breathing, but that's about it."

"Is there really no possibility of them being rehabilitated and becoming winners?"

The other guard gave Kaim a momentary blank stare and then said with a laugh and a wave. "No, no, no, none at all."

Eighty years since the revolution, and the change of generations had replaced virtually all the people from that time. Since coming of age, this prison guard, who had no memory of life before the revolution, had been implanted with the ideas that people were either "winners" or "losers," and he surely never doubted it.

"They went out of their way to hire you, so it might be a little strange for me to say this, but I'm sure the kids in here are never going to riot, no matter how wild things get on the outside. Splash a little cold water on them, and they'll quiet right down. There's almost none of them you have to worry about."

"Almost?"

"Well, I can't claim that about every single one of them. There are even losers among the losers, unfortunately."

The guard showed Kaim to the end of the hall, and there he opened the lock on a door so thick it could be mistaken for a section of wall.

"Beyond here are the punishment cells. This is where we throw the incorrigible losers- the ones who have caused trouble on work details, the ones who take a defiant attitude, the ones who show no sign of remorse for their crimes."

Suddenly it was clear to Kaim.

It was clear to him because he had experienced countless battlefields in his life.

The punishment cells were darker and far colder than the regular cells. But from the depths of the darkness - from within each individual cell - there emanated a quiet heat that could not be felt from the regular cells.

The people in here were alive.

They were not simply breathing. They were alive with real passion.

"The crimes that originally got them locked up here were nothing much - a little burglary, some purse-snatching, flashing a knife, stuff like that. If they had just quietly served out their terms, they'd be out now, living obscure lives somewhere."

Instead, they resisted, and kept resisting.

They called for better treatment of inmates. They appealed for an end to discrimination against former prisoners. The number of their "crimes" multiplied, until it became clear they would never get out of there alive.

"They'll just go straight from here to the adult prison when they grow up. It'll be twenty or thirty years before they can breathe the outside air again - if they can live that long, which would be quite an accomplishment."

The guard concluded with a belly-shaking laugh, which was interrupted by a voice echoing from a dark cell.

"Stop that laughing."

It was a quiet but commanding voice, though one that retained a hint of boyishness.

A look of fear crossed the guard's face, though he quickly reverted to a sneer.

"This is the biggest pain we've got," he said.

"His name is Diran. They say he was the leader of a gang of juvenile delinquents on the outside, but here he's just a noisemaker."

The guard picked up a bucket of water from the corridor floor with a thin sheet of ice on its surface and heaved the contents into Diran's cell.

"This is what works best on these kids."

Behind the bars, the drenched boy had rolled himself into a ball.

"This should be enough for them to freeze to death, but the water itself freezes again in the early morning. So then their hair and eyelashes - and any other hair they've got - gets coated in ice. Some of them have lost fingers and toes to frostbite."

The guard laughed again.

Diran lay there curled up, but his eyes were shining with such intensity, it was as if he were trying to melt the ice with the heat seething in his breast.

Kaim knew those eyes. They were the eyes of a warrior. And not just any warrior, but one on the very front line in a losing battle who watches for a chance to turn the battle in his favor.

And Kaim knew something else - that the system was beginning to unravel. It had kept the people in a state of suppression for eighty long years, ever since the revolution, but the very moment of its undoing had arrived.

The prison fires started that night.

"Kaim! It's the coup!"

The guard came running to report the situation on the outside. Fires had been set throughout the city, he said.

This was, of course, the uprising that the government intelligence had anticipated. Martial law was declared, and the government was mobilizing the entire police force and army. Word had come, too, that the ringleaders were already under arrest.

One element, however, had been wholly unanticipated.

The guard informed him, "The wind is strong tonight."

Fanned by unseasonable winds, the flames were racing through the city.

"On orders from the commissioner: we are not to fight fires in the juvenile prison, is that clear? Do not engage in firefighting here."

In other words, no one would be coming to save the inmates.

"It can't be helped," said the guard. "The army and the fire department have all they can do to put out fires in the city and evacuate the people. They can't spare any men to protect this place. And we've been ordered to join in the rescue effort in town."

"I guess that means we let the kids out."

This was a given, Kaim assumed. Left locked up in their cells, the young inmates would burn to death.

"Don't be ridiculous," the guard shot back. "These kids are all losers. We've gone to the trouble of locking them in here, and now we're supposed to let them out?"

"Are you serious?" Kaim replied.

"Are you serious? I can't believe you'd say anything so stupid. I'm telling you, they're losers. We don't have time to save them, and we're certainly not going to let them run loose. The commissioner would never allow such a thing."

He obviously meant every word he was saying.

They were planning to let them die.

The flames were spreading quickly, and screams could be heard throughout the prison.

There was no time to appeal directly to the commissioner, and such an appeal would only end in failure, he was sure.

"Give me the cell keys," Kaim said.

"You're joking," the guard laughed.

There was only one thing to do.

Without a word, Kaim landed a punch in the guard's solar plexus.

The guard went down in a heap, and Kaim tore the clump of keys from his belt.

The first cell he opened was Diran's.

The boy came out looking confused.

"Are you one of us?" he asked Kaim. "Are you with the coup?"

"Not interested," he answered.

"So why are you letting us go?" Diran asked.

"Because I don't like dividing people up into 'winners' and 'losers.'"

"Thanks," Diran said.

Sporting a big grin, he took the keys from Kaim and turned away to start opening the other cells.

"I want you to come back," Kaim said to him from behind.

"What's that?"

"This is an emergency evacuation. When the sun comes up and the fires are out, I want you to come back here. You kids still haven't finished paying for your crimes."

"You must be kidding."

"Not at all," Kaim said. "If you kids run away, that'll just prove they're right - 'Once a loser, always a loser.' Is that all right with you? Don't you want to show the ones who rule this country that they're wrong - that people can change?"

"But we'll never get another chance like this!"

"This coup is going to fail. You can run around all you want, but they're going to catch you in the end. You'll always be branded 'losers.' They might even kill you when they catch you."

Diran turned to stare at Kaim.

The prison was already surrounded by flames. Against this bright red backdrop, Diran's eyes still burned with the fighting spirit of a warrior.

"The country's political system can't last much longer. The day will come when you kids can leave the prison with your heads held high. I absolutely believe that. And because I believe it, I don't want to see you die for nothing."

Kaim turned from Diran to pull the guard up from the floor.

"Come back at sunrise."

With this final admonition to Diran, Kaim hoisted the guard onto his back and trudged away.

These events occurred fifty years ago.

An air of freedom pervades the country now when Kaim visits fifty years later. True, he does catch glimpses of young toughs and juvenile delinquents where the nightlife thrives, but he feels this is just a sign of the free and easy times.

An old man calls to him, "Are you a traveler?"

When Kaim nods, the man says with a smile, "You're in luck. We're having a celebration in Revolution Square today. I hear the grand old man of the revolution is going to attend. It'll keep going all night long."

"A celebration?"

"That's right. I see you're too young to know what happened here in the old days. We had a coup fifty years ago on this very day. The coup itself was put down in one night, but the rebel troops set fires all through the city, so the rest of us were running around like crazy in all directions."

Fanned by the wind, the flames quickly enveloped the whole city, and a lot of the city people were stranded on a sandbar downwind.

"I was one of them. I had my pregnant wife and baby daughter with me, so I couldn't just dive into the river to escape. Before we knew it, sparks were raining down on the sandbar, and I figured we were done for - we'd all burn to death as soon as the dry grass caught fire."

Just as he was giving up hope, he says, a helping hand was extended to them from the most unlikely source.

"The kids from the juvenile prison came to help us. They were all skin and bones, and their prison uniforms were falling apart. The prison staff hardly fed them a thing, but they pooled what little strength they had. They saved old folks and children from the sandbar, and they struggled to douse the fires that caught in the dry grass. I saw one boy carry a child across the river and collapse and die the second after he reached the other shore, and some of the ones who were fighting grass fires were overcome by the smoke and burned to death. They risked their lives to save us. Their own lives were not worth living, but those 'losers' risked their lives to save 'winners' like us."

When the sun came up and they could be sure that the fires were safely out, the young inmates went back to the juvenile prison.

"Yes, it's true. The place was an absolute hell for them, but they went back inside just the same. Not one of them took advantage of the confusion to run away. They played it strictly by the rules, wouldn't you say? We were really moved by their behavior, and people started saying that maybe these 'losers' had their good points after all. Maybe 'once a loser, always a loser' was wrong."

The whispers spread throughout the country, quietly but surely.

Soon the view emerged that the treatment of juvenile prison inmates should be improved.

Another increasingly widely-held view was that society ought to welcome ex-inmates more warmly once they had paid for their crimes.

Finally, the change in attitude toward 'loser' children took the shape of dissatisfaction with the political system that had continued to foster such a dictatorship and, forty years ago, a second coup occurred.

"This next coup took the shape of a citizens' revolution that involved the masses, and for that reason it succeeded. That's how the form of government we have today got its start."

Listening to the old man's reminiscences, Kaim finds himself smiling and nodding again and again, deeply moved.

The last thing the old man tells him is the name of the hero who led the revolution and became the first president of the new government: Diran.

Tens of thousands of people have gathered in Revolution Square. As fireworks are sent aloft and a brass band plays the rousing national anthem, the grand old man of the revolution takes the stage amid thunderous cheers and applause.

"Diran!"

"Our Diran!"

Advanced in years now, and having long since removed himself from the center of politics, Diran still has that youthful, firey gleam in his eyes.

There is no way for him to spot Kaim among the assembled throng. And even if he were to notice him, he could never imagine that this young man, unchanged from fifty years ago, was the temporary prison guard on that fateful night.

Still, the old hero proclaims,

"People can change! There are no 'winners' or 'losers!'"

His words are greeted with cheers and fireworks, and the excitement of the celebration reaches its peak.

Kaim makes his way to a stand at the far end of the square and buys himself a cup of liquor.

He raises his cup to the hero of the revolution, who, from his distant vantage point, appears to him no larger than a speck.

He downs the drink in a single breath. When the intensely strong liquor has passed his throat, it leaves a sweet and mellow aftertaste.

End

2010-10-30T00:02:00.002+08:00

Since I have been dealing with certain things recently and that someone asked me about where these stories came from, i decided to add yet another one into my blog.. i'l announce it again if i left it out for a while now but these stories are from a game called 'Lost Odyssey' and these stories are about the life of a man named Kaim who is immortal and has lived a thousand years. As such these stories are called 'A thousand years of dreams'.

Signpost

"I'll be gone soon." Anri says.

"So it makes no difference-a life like this."

She smiles with some effort, puts a gray tablet on her tongue, and swallows it.

Use or possession of this drug by ordinary people is prohibited by law and strictly controlled. The person taking it feels as if every bone in his or her body is melting. All the anxieties and cares of life vanish as the individual wanders in the space between languor and pleasure.

"Why don't you take one, too?"

Anri pulls another tablet from her leather pouch and holds it out to Kaim, who is standing by her bed.

"Coward!" she says with a grim smile when he shakes his head in silence, and then she places the second tablet on her tongue.

"How many pills does that make today?" Kaim asks.

"H mm, I forgot . . ."

With empty eyes, Anri stares into space and sighs.

This is an addiction-a serious one.

"How do you feel?" he asks.

"Not bad." she says. "Very happy."

She gives him a smile. It is deeper and softer than her earlier smile-though maybe too deep and too soft. It appears to be a smile of ultimate bliss, but, for that very reason, it also has a frightening quality that sends chills up his spine.

The drug is called "signpost."

This is not its formal designation, of course.

People started calling it that as a secret code word to avoid prosecution, and the term caught on.

"Signpost" is, however, the single most appropriate name for this drug.

Each pill takes the user one step farther down the road. And when withdrawal symptoms strikes, the person rushes to take the next pill, thereby advancing yet another step.

Farther and farther and farther . . .

The road marked by this signpost is a soothing one, entirely free of pain or suffering.

At the end of the road, however, there waits only death.

The use and possession of signpost is so strictly prohibited because it is seen as an invitation to gradual suicide.

"How many more pills, I wonder?"

Anri mutters, stretching her emaciated body full length on the bed.

It is a question that Kaim can not answer. He knows only that she is nearing the end of her signpost journey.

It is for this that Kaim has been called to this hospital, which is a facility for people on the verge of death.

"I have no regrets." Anri says.

"None at all. This way I die pleasantly, quietly, like going to sleep."

Her empty eyes fixed on Kaim, but they seem to register nothing.

"I'll be fine."

She reaches into the leather pouch again.

"You probably shouldn't do that." Kaim says.

"I'm telling you I'm fine." she says, laughing weakly, and placing a third signpost in her mouth.

She closes her eyes.

Her sunken eye sockets harbor dark shadows.

Kaim settles himself into the chair by her bed.

He waits for her to say more, but she seems to have fallen asleep.

Her breathing is calm, and a slight smile plays upon her sleeping face. The signpost seems to be working. Without the drug, hammer-like pains in her back and violent chills would prevent her from sleeping. Even worse than the physical suffering would be the fear of approaching death.

More a girl than a woman, young Anri was struck by a mortal illness. At the end of her long battle with the disease, the doctor gave up all hope of treating it and prescribed 'signpost' for her instead.

Ordinary people are not allowed to use the drug, but special permission has been given to patients for whom there is no hope of recovery in order to afford them a peaceful death and bring their lives to a quiet close-in other words, to enable them to die without having to deal with regret or despair.

Before Kaim began this work, a doctor explained the effects of the medicine to him, concluding with a smile, "In other words, signpost forgives all the debts the person has built up toward life."

Anri wakens.

After she has confirmed Kaim's presence at her bedside, she says. "You don't have to worry." and closes her eyes again, smiling.

"I'm fine. I think I can go just like this . . ."

So, she knows there are other possibilities.

In certain rare cases, signpost can have undesirable side effects. Sometimes at the very end, when the person is just beginning to slide into the abyss of death, there can be an attack of nightmares. The patient experiences a literal death agony. Even though signpost have provided such a wonderfully tranquil departure on the person's final journey, every last bit of tranquility can be swept away on the cusp of death.

Worse still, some patients concluded their hallucinatory episode with a frenzied physical outburst. They might have barely enough strength to breathe yet, tormented by the nightmares, they lash out violently enough to break the bed or even strangle the caregiver in attendance. Such can be the mysteries of the human body, or, more so, the human heart.

This is why Kaim is here.

He is to stand vigil by Anri's deathbed against the remote possibility that she might be tormented by nightmares and go wild under the influence of signpost's side-effects.

The doctor has supplied him with yet another drug.

It is a poison that will kill the patient instantaneously.

Kaim has been instructed to administer it to Anri as soon as she begins to exhibit strange behavior.

"Believe me, this is a humane measure," the doctor said, "not murder by any means. The face of a patient who has suffered the drug's side-effects is truly grotesque-not something that anyone could stand to look at.

A person's death should never be that excruciating.

This is a final kindness, to give the person a quiet, peaceful ending."

Kaim was not entirely convinced by the doctor's rationale. Neither, however, was he able to bring himself to take an issue with it.

Now he can only hope that, led by her signpost, Anri will be able to pass her final moments in peace.

Some part of her inner self might be paralyzed at the moment, and her empty eyes might never regain their former gleam, but if she is happy that way, it is nothing that anyone has the right to deny her.

Waking again, Anri reaches for another signpost but drops the leather pouch.

"Sorry, but . . . would you pick it up for me?" she asks Kaim.

She no longer has the strength even to hold the pouch.

Her final moments are closing in.

Kaim lifts the pouch from the floor, but when she asks him to put a tablet in her mouth, he hesitates for a moment before complying.

Her tongue is dry and rough as sandpaper. She really must be nearing the end.

Having taken another signpost, Anri seems to be overtaken by that languorous feeling again. She moves the flesh of her cheeks in a way that has no meaning, releases a feeble sigh and says, "I was just dreaming."

"What about?"

"About when I was little . . . everybody was there . . . my father, my mother, my big brother and sister . . . all smiling."

This is not a good sign. The drug might be having a bad effect.

If the signpost is working properly, she should not be dreaming-especially about her family. The more lingering attachment or regret or sadness a person retains, the more likely he or she is to experience side effects. This is precisely why the family is never admitted to the patient's room. The final farewells are made before the administering of signpost, and only after everything is finished do they "meet" again.

"Everybody was in such a good mood!"

Kaim wonders if he should give her another signpost.

"I'm sure when I was born that my parents never imagined I would die so young."

A more seasoned caregiver would probably give her another pill without hesitation. Then Anri would fall into another peaceful sleep without any thoughts to disturb her, perhaps never to wake again.

Kaim, however, sets the leather pouch on a shelf and waits to hear what else she has to say.

Anri herself does not request another signpost but moves the sunken flesh of her cheeks again.

This time the movement takes the form of a deliberate smile.

"You know," she says to Kaim, "I'm beginning to wonder."

"About what?"

"Why I was ever born."

Kaim is at loss for words, but she does not let this prevent her from continuing.

"I mean, if I'm going to die so young, when I’ve never had a chance to fall in love, wouldn't it have been better if I’d never been born at all?"

Kaim nods as if to tell her that he understands.

Why was I ever born?

This is the question that Kaim himself has been pondering all through his endless journey.

He has still not found the answer, and maybe never will.

"My mother and father will be sad, I'm sure."

"You had better rest now."

"Maybe I was born to make my parents sad."

"Close your eyes and take a few long, deep breathes."

"Can I have some more medicine?"

This time he gives it to her without hesitation.

"Thank you," she says simply for the first time, and then closes her eyes.

"I guess it's possible I might never wake up again."

"It's possible."

"It's a good thing to die without suffering, isn't it?"

"It probably is."

"And to die with your head in a fog, without thinking or feeling anything . . . that's a good thing, too, isn't it?"

Kaim says nothing.

This is a question he cannot answer, a question he doesn't want to answer.

Anri falls asleep without asking him anything else.

She is still sound asleep when the doctor examines her and tells Kaim, "She will probably pass away before the night is out."

It is late that night-close to dawn-when Anri begins to suffer.

"I'm sorry, Mommy, I'm sorry I ate the jam, It was me."

She is running a high fever with large drops of sweat on her forehead as she moans deliriously.

"What's taking you so long, Daddy? Hurry, hurry, the butterfly's going to fly away!"

Kaim wonders if she could be reliving memories of early childhood.

"You hit me! Big brothers shouldn't hit their little sisters! You're bad! I'm gonna tell Mommy!"

Convulsions wrack her entire body.

"Let me in! I want to play with the big girls!"

It doesn't end with her delirium.

She starts moving her arms as if trying to embrace family members floating around her.

This is what they were afraid of: the side-effects.

"Take me with you, please! I don't want to stay here! Don't leave me!"

Her cries mingle with tears. Hallucinations seem to have taken the place of past memories in her empty eyes.

"Please, I'll be good! I'll do what you tell me, Mommy and Daddy! Take me with you!"

In fact, just the opposite is happening: the ones being left behind are the family who so loved the youngest daughter, Anri.

"Don't leave me alone! Mommy! Daddy! Come back, please!"

He can feel her pain and sorrow.

Her convulsions become increasingly violent. Her face contorts in agony.

Alerted by the commotion, a doctor comes charging into the room.

"What are you doing?" he shouts at Kaim, "Put her out of her misery now!"

Kaim knows what he should do.

This is what he was hired for. The poison that will prevent Anri from suffering any more is within easy reach.

What he takes hold of, softly, however, is not the poison but the hands that Anri stretches out into empty space.

"What are you doing?" the doctor shouts at him.

"Stop it! This is a direct violation of your duties! You're fired!"

Kaim turns toward the fuming doctor and says simply, "Be quiet, please."

"What in the hell are you-"

But the doctor breaks his shouting when he catches sight of the look on Anri's face.

She is smiling.

"Are these my mother's hands? My father's? Big brother's? Big sister's? Tell me whose hands are these?" she asks joyfully.

Feeling the strength of Kaim's grasp, she squeezes back, an almost indescribably happy smile on her face, tears streaming from her eyes.

"I'm here with all of you . . . together . . . always . . . "

Her convulsions have subsided, and her breathing has calmed down.

Kaim whispers in her ear, "Thank you, Anri."

"Daddy?"

Smiling through her tears, she says, "I know it's you!"

Kaim smiles back at her and says, "I'm speaking for all of us-for me, your mother, your brother, your sister, when I say 'Thank you, Anri."

Anri seems almost embarrassed when she asks, "For what?"

"For having been born, Anri. For having come to be with us. For having allowed us to share time with you. Mommy and I and Brother and Sister, we're all so grateful to you for that."

Unfortunately, life has its limits. There are long lives and short lives.

And in life-even more unfortunately-there is happiness and unhappiness.

There are happy lives and unhappy lives.

For all of this, however, for the chance to be alive in this world, for the chance of having lived life in this world, the only thing to say is

"Thank you"

When Kaim says this to her, Anri gives her slender chin a little shake and says,

"No, I should be the one to be thanking you-all of you."

These are Anri's last words.

The look on her face in death following the torment of the drug-induced nightmares is neither tranquil nor peaceful.

It is, however, happy.

Are you really leaving us?" the doctor asks Kaim with a genuine show of regret.

Dressed for the road, Kaim smiles and says, "I don't think I’ll be ever able to perform the duties of a caregiver properly."

"To tell you the truth, Kaim, I still can't get over the fact that it's even possible to do it your way."

With a serious look, he adds, "I wonder if your hands give off some substance like signpost. Otherwise, I can't imagine how she could have died so happily."

Kaim turns his palms toward the doctor. "They're just ordinary hands, nothing special."

"I'm not so sure about that," the doctor says. "If we spent some time studying them properly, maybe . . ."

Kaim shakes his head with a sour smile as if to say "You wouldn't find a thing."

He does have one point to make with the doctor"

"I've seen lots of people die alone-probably a lot more than any of you doctors have. That's why I wanted to bring her together with her family at the end. That's the only reason I took her hand."

The doctor's vague nod suggests that he is not cconvinced, but Kaim is through talking with him.

He strides off toward the highway.

He must continue his journey.

His journey will go on as long as he is unable to reply Anri's question.

Why was I ever born?

Anri had a family at least. His life consisted of her joining and leaving her family.

Kaim has not had even that much.

Where did I come from?

Where am I going?

Why does the passing wind draw Kaim along on his endless journey?

A journey without signposts.

This is why Kaim is always free-and always alone.

END

2010-10-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

whoohoo.. a post becoz i tot i'd post.. or at least it turned out this way after a while... intially i guess it was to change my mind to something that i'd probably b able to put down n leave it there... since i cant seem to make things go out of my mind without doing anything in particular, perhaps blogging the things down will make it stay in my blog.. haha..

it was quite a strange feeling.. although im not sure wat i recall now is the 'truth'.. but from wat i rmb, there was a point when i felt like i was an alien.. lolx.. it was like.. i was this close to this person... this person is giving out lifeforce that even i cld feel it... n i was like.. wah.. obviously this person is not an npc.. is a real person... then i had the feeling of an alien who meets a human for the first time type of feeling.. its quite funny becoz its not like i dun talk to pple or what everyday.. as little frens as i haf, i still do haf frens that i can talk to almost everyday anyway.. n i mean face to face communication.. but this person really made me think this way... but i dun rmb in wat circumstance was it n wat were we saying at that point of time...

after my norm of 'stalking' a person briefly after we become frens on facebook, i kinda realised that she is pretty much the average hall person... although i cannot realli feel how being in a hall is like, but i've always held my own ideas.. so she probably meets a hell lot more pple per day than i probably wld per semester.. lolx.. so i realised that the opinion that i had of her b4 we talked much, to the opinion that i had of her after we talked briefly on msn, to the opinion i had of her after our time spent together, to the opinion that i haf of her now... may jolly well vary by a little to a whole lot of an extent...

After a dota game i completely lost the way to continue this post.. lolx.. so i guess i'l stop here for this one..

2010-07-22T01:58:00.002+08:00

Its amazing sometimes how life seems to go around in circles... but on a planar view, i'd probably haf juz been pacing back n forth.. regardless.. i wonder if i'l b restarting to blog on a more regular basis.. since i kinda found a blog that almost resembles what i wld haf wished to own when i first started out doing this blog.. of coz it mite not entirely b the case.. but still.. it realli reminded me alot of myself.. reading about it...

theres just too many coincidences in life that sometimes its hard to ignore all of them.. but mayb i'l soon find out that what i had decided for myself had not been completely off but partially the 'rite' decision to make..

but looking back.. i may simply juz b making the same old mistake all over again.. thats of coz if i deem it a mistake.. but repeatedly its starting to get less hurtful... perhaps it is realli the difference in language that makes it more difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what i realli want to express.. but i wonder if typing in chinese is realli that easy...

juz a few weeks ago i had wanted to erase the chinese identity in me.. how ironic that i met such a person now that makes me feel ashamed to haf even thought about that... the 'norm' always nv seemed rite to gauge myself.... so how m i to noe what im to do to get out of this.. endless cycle?

2010-07-19T21:58:00.002+08:00

i watched some fireworks a while back but i forgot when was it.. or mayb i din c the fireworks but i juz heard someone talking about it... it made me recall this dream from Lost Odyssey.. Its called 'Bright Rain'..

"The bright rain is going to start soon." The boy says, pointing out to sea.

"The bright rain?" Kaim asks him.

"Uh-huh. It happens every night, way out there." he says with a carefree smile.

"It's so pretty!"

"Bright rain, huh?"

"Yeah. I want you to watch it with me tonight. It's really pretty."

The boy has never once left the island in the ten years since his birth.

The island is small and poor, and the only ways to make a living there are fishing from dugout boats and gathering forest fruits. One monotonous day follows another, the islanders waking at dawn and sleeping beneath the star-filled sky. The boy does not yet realize that this is the greatest happiness of all.

The boy begins speaking to Kaim, who turns to look in his direction.

Hunkered down on the beach in the moonlight, the boy's profile glows like a chocolate sculpture.

"Over there, where the bright rain falls, is a great, big island, right? I know all about it. That island is way bigger than this one and way more stuff goes on there and it's just full of shiny things and pretty things and food that's way better than I can even imagine, right? Don't worry, I know all about it"

Kaim says nothing but gives the boy a pained smile.

Beyond the horizon lies a big island, indeed - a vast continent. Kaim was there until four days ago. Then, rocked in the hold of a freighter for three days and nights, he crossed the sea to this island.

"I know about it, but I've never seen it." the boy says, his voice dropping.

He hangs his head, diverting the moonlight from his face. His chocolate skin melts into the darkness.

"Would you like to go there?" Kaim asks.

"Sure I would." the boy replies without hesitation. "All the kids here want to."

"Everybody leaves the island, I suppose."

"Sure they do! Boys and girls both. As soon as they're old enough to work, they go to the 'other country.' Me, too, in another five years... I'll be ready in three years. Then I'll take the boat that you came here on and go to the other country and work hard and eat tons of yummy things."

The boy raises his face again.

Locked on the ocean, his eyes are shining.

They are eyes full of hopes and dreams.

But they know nothing of the 'other country'. He can never know a thing about it as long as he stays here.

Not one of the young people who crossed the sea, their eyes shining like the boy's with hopes and dreams, ever came back.

"Of course not." the boy would say. "The other country is so much more fun, there's no point in coming back!"

The boy believes in the happiness awaiting him in the other country. about which he knows nothing.

Only when they leave the island do the brown-skinned people here learn that their skin is a different color from that of the people in the other country.

That the language of the island is of no use in the other country.

That the people of the other country look on the islanders with cold eyes.

That the only way for them to meet people with the same brown skin, the same language, and the same birthplace is to head for the island people's ghetto in town.

The first words the boy was certain to learn in the other country's language would be the ones the people of the other country used for people like him; illegal alien.

By the time he learned it, he would be tumbling down the hill in the ghetto.

The boy gallops away from the beach and returns a few minutes later with an overflowing armload of fruit. He says they grow where the wind from the ocean meets the wind from the mountains.

"They're at their best on nights when the moon is full. Go ahead - have a taste."

He wipes a piece of fruit against his worn-out shirt and hands it to Kaim.

"What do you call this?" Kaim asks.

"You're going to laugh, they pinned such a fancy name on it: 'Grain of Happiness'."

"That's a nice name."

Kaim bites into a Grain of Happiness. It is shaped like an apple from the other country. But it is some two sizes smaller and just that much more packed with juicy sweetness.

"This is great." Kaim says.

"You really like it? I'm glad." the boy says with a smile, but he is soon hanging his head again and sighing.

"I like them a lot too." the boy says, "but I bet the other country has all kinds of stuff that's way better than this, right?"

Kaim does not answer him but takes another bite of the Grain of Happiness.

The boy is right: there are lots of foods in the other country far more delicious than these Grains of Happiness.

Or, more precisely, there were.

Now, however, the other country has been transformed into a battlefield.

The war started six months ago.

That was when the boy began seeing the 'bright rain' every night.

The prosperity of the "other country" is extreme. The most glittering happiness is available there to anyone with enough money, and money is available there without restriction to anyone with enough power.

Might makes right.

Wealth makes goodness.

Those who are neither mighty nor wealthy obtain right and goodness by finding others who are both weaker and poorer than themselves and ridiculing, despising and persecuting them.

The island people, whose language and skin color are different from those in the other country, are seen as the other country's shadow.

This is not a shadow, however, that forms because there is light.

The very existence of the shadow is what makes the light all the brighter.

This is the only way that inhabitants of the other country know how to think about things.

Eventually, however, strength reaches a saturation point, wealth that has run its course begins to stagnate, and expansion is the only course left open.

Desires can only be fulfilled through a continual bloating.

In order for the other country to remain strong and for the wealthy to stay wealthy, the leaders of the other country made war on a neighboring country.

"Any minute now." the boy says, looking out to sea again with a carefree laugh.

"The bright rain is going to fall, way out over the sea."

The war was supposed to have ended quickly. Everyone in the other country believed that with overwhelming wealth and strength, it would be easy for them to bring the neighboring country to its knees.

To be sure, at first war went according to plan. The occupied areas grew each day, and the entire populace of the other country became drunk with victory.

One after another, however, the surrounding countries took the side of the neighboring country. Which was only natural. For if the neighboring country fell, they themselves might be the other country's next target.

The other country's entire diplomatic strategy failed. Which was only natural. For no country on earth will make friends with a country that only knows how to flaunt its wealth and power.

An allied force was organized around the neighboring country. Together, the surrounding countries sought to encircle and seal off the other country.

From that point on, the war entered stalemate. Limited battle zones saw troops advancing and retreating again and again, in the course of which the other country's wealth and power was consumed little by little. Disgust for war began to spread among the populace, and to obliterate that mood, the military circulated false propaganda:

The military situation is developing in our favor.

Our army has again crushed the enemy's troops.

The truth was that the occupied territories were being recaptured one after another, and the allied forces now were crossing the border to strike inside the other country's territory.

In response to foolhardy attacks by the enemy, our resolute fighting men launched a counterattack, annihilating their forces.

The day for our victory song is upon us.

Stopping war was out of the question. Admitting defeat was out of the question. The people had believed that wealth and power would enable them to rule everything, but now they knew the terror of having lost both.

The allied forces were joined by a powerful supporter. A mighty empire that wielded authority over the northern part of the continent joined the battle as if to say, "Let us finish the job for you," crushing the other country once and for all.

But the powerful empire was not satisfied just to destroy one upstart nation. It turned its overwhelming military might upon the allied forces. As it had so many times in its history, it seized the opportunity of its clash with the surrounding countries in order to further expand its own power.

Having lost its leaders and turned into a wasteland as far as the eye could see, the other country now became the new battlefield.

Outnumbered, the allied army hired mercenaries from other continents.

Kaim was one of those.

For many days he participated in losing battles in which there was no way to tell which side was fighting for the right.

After seeing his mercenary unit wiped out, Kaim headed for the harbor.

The boy's island has maintained a position of neutrality in the war. It is simply too small to do otherwise. It lacks the war-making capacity to participate in battle, and it possesses no wealth to attract the attention of the countries engaged in the fighting.

But Kaim knows what will happen.

When the battle lines expand, this island will become as valuable as a military foothold. One side or the other will occupy the island and it will do one of two things; it will construct a base, or it will reduce the entire island to ashes, thus preventing the enemy from using it as a military foothold. Nor is this a matter of the distant future. At the latest, it will happen a few weeks from now, and perhaps as soon as two or three days...

Kaim has come to the island to convey this message.

To tell the people that as many of them as possible should board tomorrow morning's regular ferry to the nearby island.

He wants them to start by sending away the children.

He wants never again to witness the spectacle of young lives being crushed like bugs.

"Oh, look! There it goes" the boy cries out happily, pointing toward the horizon.

"The bright rain!"

Far out to sea, a white glow suffuses the night sky. The powerful empire has begun its night bombing.

The boy has no idea what the bright rain really is. He can watch with sparkling eyes and murmur, "It's so pretty, so pretty..."

To be sure, viewed from afar, the bright rain is genuinely beautiful, like a million shooting stars crossing the sky all at once.

But only when viewed from afar.

A dull thud resounds from the sky.

Another dull thud, and another and another.

"Thunder? Oh, no, if it rains we can't go out fishing tomorrow." the boy says with a smile and a shrug.

He's such a friendly little fellow, thinks Kaim.

The boy had seen him on the shore and spoken to him without hesitation.

"Are you a traveller?" he had asked, and went on speaking to him like an old friend.

Kaim wants children like this to be the first aboard tomorrow's ferry.

"I'm going home now." says the boy. "What are you going to do?"

"Oh, I guess I'll take a nap under a tree."

"You can sleep in our barn. Why don't you spend the night there?"

"Thanks," Kaim says. "But I want to watch the ocean a little longer. Tomorrow, I thought, I'd like you to show me around."

"I get it. You want to see the head of the village. I know a shortcut through the woods - right over there." Kaim is hoping to convince the village head to evacuate the island. If they act right away, they can make it. They can save a lot of the islanders.

But...

As the boy stands, sweeping the sand from the seat of his pants, he looks questioningly at the sky.

"Funny." he says, "It sounds kind of different from thunder."

The dull thuds keep coming without a break.

Little by little, they draw closer.

Kaim jerks his head up and yells at the boy, "The woods! Run to the woods!"

"Wha...?"

"Hurry!"

His voice is drowned out by the deafening roar of the machine guns.

The bright rain has started.

The island has been made a target far sooner than Kaim had imagined.

"Hurry!" Kaim yells, grabbing the boy's hand.

The woods are the boy's only hope.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the boy shouts, shaking free of Kaim's grip and looking up at the sky.

"It's the bright rain! It's falling here now, too! Wow! Oh, wow!"

All but dancing for joy, the boy gallops down the beach - until he is bathed from head to toe in the bright rain.

A single night of bombing is all it takes to reduce the island to ashes.

Never realizing the value of the happiness they possessed, never even knowing that such happiness has been snatched away from them in one night's passing, the people who filled the island with their lives until evening are gone in the morning, all dead except one: the immortal Kaim.

On the beach at dawn, the only sound is that of the waves.

Again today, no doubt, urban warfare will decimate the city streets, and tonight the bright rain will pour down on the town again.

The boy who called the rain beautiful will never again open his eyes wide with wonder.

Kaim lays the boy's corpse in a small dugout canoe that survived the flames.

He places a ripe "Grain of Happiness" on the boy's chest and folds his arm over it, hoping that it will sate his thirst on the long road to heaven.

He sets the dugout in the water and nudges it toward the open sea.

Caught by the receding tide, rocketed by the waves, the boat glides far out from the shore.

Such a friendly little fellow, the boy smiles even in death. Perhaps it is the one gift the gods were able to bestow on him.

The boy is setting out on a journey.

May it never take him to that other country, Kaim begs.

Or any other country, for that matter.

Kaim knows; there is no place forever free of that bright rain.

Because he knows this, he sheds tears for the boy.

The rain falls in his heart: cold, sad, silent rain.

Emptied of bombs, the sky is maddeningly blue, wide and beautiful.

End.

2010-06-28T16:16:00.003+08:00

when i was cycling back home today i was thinking of some things and got reminded of this dream...

The Ranking Of Lives

A terrible epidemic is ravaging the kingdom.

The onset of the disease is sudden. Due to genetic or perhaps hormonal factors. It strikes only males. The victim experiences a high fever, a violent headache, and often a swift death.

The disease does have two hopeful aspects.

First of all, if an individual survives it, he need not fear catching it again: from then on he has immunity.

Secondly, an extremely effective medicine exists. If used preventively or in the initial stages of the disease, the drug, a tablet made primarily from a plant that grows in the mountains, almost always results in a cure.

Does this mean people can relax, and that there is no need to worry?

Unfortunately not, for an ironic twist of fate is something that life tends to thrust upon people all too often.

The high-altitude plant used to make the medicine that is so effective in prevention and early cure is extremely rare, verging on extinction.

In other words, there is not enough medicine for all the kingdom's subjects, only for certain people.

"Do you see what i mean?" asks Dok, a quiet man on patrol in the capital's marketplace with his fellow military policeman, Kaim.

Sending his sharp gaze down one alley after another, Kaim responds "You're saying they rank people to decide who gets the medicine?"

"Exactly," says Dok.

"In deciding the rank order, they brand us as either 'Subjects Indispensable to the Nation' or 'Other Subjects'."

Capital military policemen will receive their medicine relatively early, which demonstrates their ranking as "Subjects Indispensable to the Nation."

"I guess it makes sense," Dok goes on, "If all of us were to keel over, order in capital would break down like nothing. We always have to be the picture of health as we patrol the city, right Kaim? 'For the sake of the homeland,' as they say."

"I suppose so . . ."

"First the royal family gets the medicine. Then the royal guards. Third comes politicians, and then the financiers who run the country's economy, the police and fireman, doctors, and finally us-the capital military police. There's not enough to give it to just anybody."

Dok all but spat out those final words, and asks, "What do you think, Kaim? Ordinary subjects are people, too. Is it okay to 'rank' them like that?"

In theory, Kaim should be able to reply without hesitation that of course it is not okay.

But, realistically speaking, he says, "There's no way around it." He averts his gaze from Dok's as he hear himself saying these words.

"No way around it huh?' he mutters with obvious distaste.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe there is no way around it."

He sounds as if he is trying to convince himself, in fact it does seem to be the only means open to them.

"The folks here in the marketplace know about the disease, obviously."

"Obviously." answers Dok.

"If their fears get the better of them, they could riot at any time."

"Absolutely."

"We can just manage to keep the peace by patrolling the streets like this."

"I know what you mean."

"If we were to succumb to the disease, their lives would put them more at risk. If we can't dose every subject in the kingdom, all we can do is think about how best to keep the harm or the impact of the disease to an absolute minimum."

"I couldn't have said it better myself Kaim. You get a perfect score. Good job!"

His words of praise carry obvious barbs.

Sensing their presence, Kaim falls silent. Underlying Dok's sharp comments is not only the pain of biting sarcasm but the sorrow of helplessness.

Two children, a boy and a younger girl, run past the men, laughing. Dressed in rags, they have probably come from the slum behind the market to gather scraps of vegetables little better than garbage.

Dok points to their receding forms and says,

"I'd like to ask you a question, Kaim."

"All right . . ."

"Are those kids 'Subjects Indispensable to the Nation?"

Kaim has no answer for him. Because he knows the right answer all too well, he can only lapse into silence.

Responding to Kaim's silence with a bitter smile, Dok goes on,

"According to your logic, Kaim, if those kids fall sick and die. "There's no way around it.' Or at least capital police like us have a greater right to the medicine than those kids do. Am I right, Kaim? Isn't that what you're saying?"

Kaim could hardly declare that he was wrong.

Responding again to Kaim's silence, Dok asks,

"Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not attacking you. It's just that everybody is indispensable to somebody. Even those kids. They may be just a nuisance to the state-poor beggars, but to their parents they are indispensable lives that must be protected at all cost. Am I wrong?"

What a kindhearted fellow, Kaim thinks, maybe too kind - to a degree that could prove fatal for a soldier.

From the direction of the castle comes the sound of the great bell - an emergency assembly signal to the soldiers patrolling the streets.

The medicine seems to have arrived for them.

"Let's head back," Dok pipes up, apparently emerging from his gloom,

"Let's be good boys and take the miraculous medicine that's going to save our lives and protect the kingdom."

The sorrow-filled thorns sprouting from his words pierce Kaim through the heart.

It is the following day when Dok tells Kaim of his plan to desert.

"I'm only telling this to you Kaim," he says when they are patrolling the marketplace again.

"I know the punishment for desertion is harsh. I'm not sure I can make it all the way, and if I'm caught, I know I'll be court-martialed and executed."

He has resigned himself to that possibility, he says, which is why he wants to make sure that Kaim knows the purpose of his desertion.

"I'm not betraying the country or the army. I just have to deliver . . . this."

In his open palm lies the tablet that he was issued the day before.

"You didn't take it?" Kaim asks, shocked.

"No, I fooled them," he chuckles, immediately turning serious again and closing his open hand.

"You're going to deliver this tablet?"

"Uh-huh."

Dok holds out his hand now, pointing toward the mountains south of the capital.

"At the foot of those mountains is the village where I was born. My wife and son are there. He's just five years old and he's been sickly since the day he was born. If he gets the disease. It's all over for him."

"So you're going to give him the medicine?"

"Do you think it's wrong of me to do that?"

Transfixed by Dok's stare, Kaim is at a loss for words.

Suddenly the gentle Dok's eyes betray a murderous gleam.

"I may be a soldier dedicated to protecting the nation, but before that I am the father of a son, and before that I am a human being.

I don't give a damn about the kingdom's ranking of lives according to whether or not they are 'indispensable.'

I want to save the life of one human being who is indispensable to me."

Dok's eyes take on added strength. They are bloodshot now, dear proof of his resolve.

"If I leave now, I can be back in the barracks by roll call tomorrow morning. I'll come home as soon as I give him the medicine, so I'm asking you to do me this one favor: don't cause any commotion until then."

"No, of course not, but . . ."

"I'm not sure I can make it, but I am sure my boy will die if I just stay here. He'll pull through if he has the medicine. If there's even the slightest possibility of that. I have no choice: I have to take a chance."

"They'll kill you if they catch you."

"I don't care. I can die with pride, knowing I did it to save the life of the one person most important to me."

"What if you get sick?"

"All I can do is leave it up to fate."

Dok smiles.

Human beings can't do anything about fate, but I want to do everything I can as a human being."

This is why Dok has revealed his plans to Kaim.

"One more thing, Kaim. If they kill me or if I get sick and die. I hope I can depend on you to visit my village sometime and tell my wife and son what happened.

Make sure they know that I didn't desert because I got fed up with the army. I did it to save my son's life, which is something that is more more important to me than army rules and even more important than my own life."

He will be satisfied as long as that message gets through, he says with a smile. Kaim has no way to reply to this.

Not that Kaim fully accepts everything Dok has said to him. He is convinced not so much by the man's reasoning as he is overwhelmed by something that transcends reasoning: by the power of life, by the strength and depth of Dok's desire to save a life precisely because it is something that will eventually be cut off by death.

"I'm going to make a run for it for it while we're patrolling the marketplace. I'm asking you to look the other way. Tell them I disappeared when you took your eyes off me for a split second."

Kaim can do nothing but accept Dok's plea in silence.

He sees that deep in the hearts of those who love, finite life is a place that cannot be entered by those who have been burdened irrevocably with life everlasting.

The two men reach the far end of the marketplace.

"All right then, sorry to put you through this . . ." Dok says.

He turns toward the exit and is about to plunge into the crowd when it happens.

A child comes bounding out the alleyway.

It is the same shabbily dressed girl from the slums who ran past the men yesterday, laughing. Today she is alone and crying her head off.

She looks around with wild eyes, and when she spots Kaim and Dok in uniform, she comes running to them, shouting. "Help! Help!"

"What's the matter?" Doks asks.

She takes his hand and leads him into the alleyway as if to prevent the surrounding people from hearing what she is about to tell him.

"It's my brother!" she blurts out. "He's sick ! He's got a high fever and he's shaking all over! We've got to do something or he's going to die!"

Kaim and Dok look at each other.

"How about your parents? Don't you have a father or mother to take care of him?" Kaim asks.

"What parents?" the girl retorts tearfully.

"They both died a long time ago. There's just me and my big brother. Oh please help him, please!"

"But I was just . . ." Dok mutters, fidgeting, ready to run. He looks at Kaim with pleading eyes.

Kaim kneels and down and looks the girl straight in the eye. "When did his fever start?" he asks.

"Just a few minutes ago," she says.

"We were leaving to pick up vegetable scraps, and he fell down . . ."

Only a little time has passed since the disease struck. He could be saved by the medicine.

But of course there is no medicine for slum children.

Judging from the girl's wasted frame, her brother must also be eating poorly. The disease will almost surely ravage his malnourished body and snatch his life in a matter of hours.

The girl will not come down with the disease of course, but even if it cannot attack her directly, once she has lost the only other member of her family and has no one to take care of her, the tiny thing is bound to trace the same fatal path as her parents and brother sooner or later.

"Please help my brother . . . please!"

She clings to Kaim and Dok, huge tears streaming down her cheeks.

Kaim gives her a slight, silent nod. He rises slowly and reaches for a small leather pouch dangling from his sword hilt.

Before he can lay hold of it, he hears Dok saying to the little girl.

"Don't worry."

Dok is holding out his hand to her, smiling gently.

In the palm of his hand is a tablet.

"Give this to your brother." Dok says. "There's still time to save to save him."

The girl gives him a puzzled look and hesitates until he urges her.

"Hurry. Do it now!'

She reaches for it uncertainly and takes it in hand with great care.

"Hurry home, now!"

Dok says with a smile for her. the girl dashes off.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Her shrill, tearful voice rings out as she disappears into the alleyway.

"I'm glad it worked out like this, Kaim."

Dok says with a shrug and a pained smile. "So now I won't be branded a deserter, and I won't have to give you anything to worry about. No, this is a good thing."

He sounds as if he is trying to convince himself. He even nods deeply in agreement.

Surely he cannot have done this without regrets, especially if his son at home should take sick and die.

His voice is calm, however, as he says. "I couldn't help it. When I saw that little girl crying like that . . . I know my son would understand." He gives himself another deep nod.

"Still, Dok . . ."

"Never mind. Don't say a thing." Dok cuts him off and squints towards the alleyway the girl ran down.

"There's absolutely no rank or order to lives. The only thing that matters is to save a life you see with your own two eyes."

"I know what you mean." says Kiam

"Just because I saved one slum kid's life, there's no guarantee he'll grow up to be a credit to the nation.

Maybe all I succeeded in doing was prolonging the life of yet another drag on the state. Maybe after I get back to the barracks. I'll start thinking of other people I should have saved instead of him."

"On the other hand, Kaim." he says, interrupting himself and turning to look at Kaim as he considers yet another possibility:

"On the other hand, I look at it this way, too. Maybe it is just a matter of innate human instinct to want to save the life before your eyes.

Maybe we learn those other kinds of ranking later: 'for the nation,' or 'for the people, ' or even 'for my son.'

I may have failed as a soldier or as a father. but I think I did the right thing as a human being."

Dok stops himself there and starts walking without waiting for Kaim to reply. He might be trying to hide his embarrassment at his own tortured reasoning.

Seeing this, Kaim produces a laugh and calls out to Dok as casually as if he were suggesting they go to the tavern for drinks.

"Hey Dok!"

"uh-huh"

"You forgot this!"

Now Kaim finishes what he interrupted before, reaching for the leather pouch tied to his sword hilt.

From it he takes a small pill.

"What? You mean . . .?"

"I didn't take it either."

Incapable of losing his life to a disease. Kaim has no use for the medicine to begin with.

Of course he has no intention of telling Dok about that. Even if he were to try telling him he had lived a thousand years, it is not likely that Dok would take him seriously.

"You have a family, Dok. Lives you'd give anything to protect.

That is a great thing."

Now Kaim holds out a hand with a tablet in it the way Dok did earlier to the girl.

"I envy you," he says with a smile.

"Wait, Kaim, wait . . . Hey, I mean you . . ."

"I don't have a family," he says, increasing the depth of his smile.

Responding to Kaim's smile, with it's mixture of sympathy and warmth. Dok silently accepts the tablet.

"Well now, would you look at that beautiful blue sky!" says Kaim.

"I think I'll just stand here a while, looking up at it, not thinking about anything at all. This might be a good time for you to run home to your son."

Kaim does as he says, looking up at the sky.

Before long, he hears the sound of footsteps running across the stone pavement.

"Make sure you come back alive Dok," Kaim mutters.

Kaim strolls along, looking up at the blue sky, until he disappears into the marketplace crowd.

2010-06-16T12:25:00.002+08:00

While I was talking to her and asking her about how pple in her country felt about the pple in the north, I was reminded of this story.. it is taken from the game Lost Odyssey, in Kaim's 1000 years of dreams... And now that it seems like they are on the verge of war, it struck me even harder when I came to think about this story...

Beyond the Wall

The Wall is being demolished

Sledgehammers resound on both sides.

The Wall marked the national borders for decades --- until yesterday. „Border“ might not be the right word, however. Originally, both sides were part of a single nation. The country became divided owing to differences in ideology, and the two sides remained so mutually antagonistic that a high, thick wall had to be built. Those days are gone now.

A year ago, the leaders of the two sides shook hands in a historic reconciliation.

Today, after much preparation and coordination, the wall that symbolized the two sides' antagonism is being demolished. The sound of hammering signals the end of opposition and extols the beginning of peace.

„C'mon, give me a break!“ says Yuguno, spitting on the ground and glaring at the backs of the people swarming at the wall.

„Look at them, smiling like idiots. I can't believe it!“

He glances at Kaim by his side as if to say: „Right?“

His still-boyish face wears a scowl of disgust.

„Tell me, Kaim, you've been to a lot of different countries and seen al kinds of people. Can people just take years of hatred like that and throw it out the window?“

Kaim gives him a sour smile instead of replying.

Yuguno is a young man, the first person that Kaim became friends with shortly after he arrived in this border town. He is pleasant enough except for his stubborn hatred of people from the „other side“.

„One lousy handshake and I'm out of a job. I mean really, give me a break.“

Yuguno used to be a border guard – in other words, one of the men assigned to keep watch on the wall. He had volunteered, eager to kill anyone who dared to come over the wall from the other side. If his superiors had permitted it, he would have gladly crossed over and attacked the other side rather than waiting to fend off an invasion.

As a mandatory part of reconciliation, however, the border guards were disbanded. Unlike his brothers in arms, who quickly started new lives for themselves, Yuguno was left behind by the changing times.

„Tell me, Kaim, can people be allowed to just slough off their resentments so easily? Do they just not give a damn?“

Kaim does not respond to this.

He knows Yuguno is a victim of the age of confrontation.

Still just a young man --- a boy, even --- Yuguno has been thoroughly conditioned since childhood to view the other side as the enemy.

Watch out --- the other side could attack at any time.

Watch out --- the other side are all cruel, cold-hearted villains.

Watch out --- if the other side ever invaded us and occupied our towns, they'd burn down our houses, steal our property, kill our men, and assault our women.

Watch out --- the day is not far off when they will be invading us. It could be three days from now, or it could be tomorrow. They might be climbing the wall today. This very moment.

Watch out --- they've already sent their spies among us. And you can tell for sure who they are. They're the ones who extol and sympathize with the other side by word and by deed.

Watch out --- they're probing for the slightest gaps in our psychological armor. Remain alert. Be ready to draw your sword at any moment.

Watch out, Watch out, Watch out, Watch out.

There was much to be found out about the other side in the history books distributed in the schools on this side. The pictures of the people from the other side portrayed them all as ferocious demons.

„I'm not the only one, you know. All of us were taught the same thing. So how come everybody but me is so happy about the wall coming down?“ Yuguno asks, looking utterly bewildered by these new developments.

Again and again he repeats his disbelief.

Finally, Kaim cannot help but respond to him.

„You were too pure“, he says.

„What?“

„It's not your fault, Yuguno. It's the ones who filled your pure, honest heart with hatred.“

„What a second now, Kaim. The animals who live on the other side of the wall are the ones who did that to me, the horrible things they do...“

Kaim cuts him short.

„Have they ever done anything horrible to you?“

„Well sure, no, not really to me, but . . .“

„Well, you see...“

Yuguno is momentarily at a loss for words until all he can do is raise his voice and blurt out.

„It's true, though. The whole bunch of them are just horrible people!“

He folds his arms in a decided pout.

„How are they horrible? What did you ever see any of them do? When? Where?“

Yuguno stammers and sputters.

„Have you ever even met somebody from ever there?“ Kaim demands to know.

Yuguno hangs his head and shakes it from side to side.

With a grim smile, Kaim says:“Well, I have. And they're not devils or demons or anything of the sort. How could they be? You used to be part of the same country! But that stuff is beside the point anyway --- countries and races and tribes. You're all human beings. You're all the same.“

Yuguno stays silent, hanging his head.

Cheers erupt at the wall.

The wall that has separated the two worlds for decades has just now been broken through.

Representatives from his side and the other side walk through the opening, greet each other with smiles and firm handshakes, and embrace.

The cheers grow louder, and people --- mostly people of the younger generation --- gather in circles here and there, expressing their joy.

Yuguno glares down at his own shadow and asks Kaim.

„So, what should I do now? All I've ever done is hate. All I've ever known how to do is hate them.“

Kaim gives Yuguno a pat on the shoulder and says:

„It's not too late to change. You can start now.“

„Can I?“

„You can, I'm sure of it.“

Kaim is sure because he knows what it was like when both sides were a single country. It was a kindly nation. By no means rich. It was yet a happy country of compassionate people.

„I'm telling you, Yuguno, people can change.“

„If you say so . . .“

„Look over there, Yuguno. Look at those people enjoying themselves.“

Hesitantly, Yuguno raises his head. Around the wall a celebration is beginning. Young people are dancing, singing, toasting each other, engaging in conversation and all of them used to be companions of Yuguno's who received the same education he did. No doubt the young people on the other side were similarly educated to hate.

„What do you see over there? Demons? Devils?“

Yuguno shakes his head and lets the tightness out of his shoulders.

„I'm beginning to wonder, Kaim, why until now I've been so . . .“

Kaim pats him on the shoulder again to signal that he understands.

„People can change.“ he says, „They can change from hating to loving --- and from loving to hating.“

Yes, Kaim knows about that well. He saw how such a wonderfully unified country was divided in two at the end of a violent civil war.

„Don't change anymore.“ Kaim says, not just to Yuguno but to all the smiling young people.

A young girl hesitantly approaches Yuguno.

She is from the other side. She holds a plate full of cookies.

“Have some if you'd like,“ she says. „I baked them this morning.“

The cookies are heart-shaped.

Urged on by the smiling Kaim, Yuguno reaches out for a cookie, his face bright red.

„Thanks.“ he says shyly and takes a bite of his cookie.

„Good?“ she asks.

Yuguno turns a deeper shade of red and says: „Delicious!“

White birds cut across the blue sky ---

from the other side to this side,

from this side to the other.

The white birds sail through the sky almost joyfully, as if to tell the people below.

In the beginning, there were no borders!

2010-06-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

if someone intends to play the role of another not to defame that someone but juz for fun.. wld it b obvious when things get out of control? or perhaps i'm missing some vital hints that wld haf otherwise told me where the stop sign is.. mayb this time i can try not to reach the extreme end n avoid falling despairingly into some abyss that doesnt really feel much different from what i've been going through anyway.. perhaps i dun nid to worry.. coz i'm used to it.. sometimes i realli feel how stupid i can b....

2010-02-09T21:05:00.003+08:00

whoosh... first post in 2010.. haha.. coming in feb its a little late i guess but it doesnt matter anyways.. ever since the last few days of last year, i've been playing dota on bnet again.. haha.. its something really enjoyable for me rite now but im kinda neglecting most of my studies coz of it.. but i guess thats what i always do anyways.. if not this den probably something else wld haf came up.. although i guess this 1 is a little more invasive.. haha..
wat i like about this sem so far.. i guess its the melayu kelas that im taking lo.. its like the most obvious thing that i can c that i've come to learn that is totally new... then after that, maths gem isnt as i'd haf expected but i guess its getting on well la...
anyway i got to noe a few other pple who take chinese mods as well.. n then met some of ck's frens too.. i wonder if i dun haf enuff frens to actually meet anyone in school... haha.. i can nv understand the thing that holds frenships together.. i only noe how to b me n how to live my life my way.. sometimes i wonder if i even haf a past... at least the past that i noe does not intertwine wif my present n so it is yet again a well defined area.. but whether it is a good thing anot i can nv b sure...
perhaps i've always wanted to live my life in the most simplest of ways.. but it doesnt realli seem to work out in the society today... or at least in singapore... perhaps my life can only work out when it revolves around me alone.. at least so far, thats how it clearly appears to me... nobody seems to b able to enter my frame of life at all...
mayb im becoming gloomy again.. haix.. hah..

2009-12-26T18:10:00.002+08:00

ahhahaha.. after such a long time.. almost an entire sem's worth of time, i've decided to blog yet again! haha.. not for sheer pleasure or posterity.. but simply because after looking for so many places to garner support from, n failling to secure any, i've no choice but to turn to this channel of distribution? so to speak anyways.. theres probably a better word to put it but i cant think of any at the moment..
the dumbest thing of it all is that i've no right to disclose my inner most feelings to anyone at all.. not even this dumb lame blog that nobody presides anymore... not that i had much audiences to start wif anyway.. so y cant i say wat i feel? bcoz its stupid.. or shld i say.. becoz im stupid.. im only good at retrospection.. apart from that.. im most probably the slowest creature to react to anything at all in real time.. i've missed a million opportunities n thus i've been left alone again.. but of coz i did not expect the wrenching heartache that occured last nite.. yes this i can disclose at the very least since it is probably the cause of this that shld b kept under covers.. i cldnt slp at all last nite.. mayb due to the strange feeling in my chest or mayb juz becoz i had the most things to regret about in a long time.. but still.. losing slp over something that had past.. i think this is the first.. it wasnt much fun either.. but i ended up leaving my bed at 730 plus in the morning after my dad left for work.. decided to go to the reservoir to emo.. well sorta anyway..
i had to use an atm anyway.. so i decided that this was the best route to take which had the most conveniences.. but then in any case,this is not that important since this is juz a minor detail of my journey.. the important thing probably is the fact that i've spent too much n im still wanting to spend on drinking beer.... beer has become my new favourite thing since ck's birthday last month.. it is the only thing that can cheer me up even if there's nothing to b happy about.. the only thing that can put a smile to my face without any reason at all...
thus leads to one thing to sulk about.. coz i did want to find someone to drink with tonite.. but ended up having no one at all.. perhaps i shld haf seen it coming anyway.. but i tot that i was being pessimistic.. no beer no happiness.. boo....
Christmas this year was ok i guess... seoul garden was something that i had not had since a long time ago so it was pretty intriguing to say the least.. but after yesterday i seem to haf grown a disliking for that resturant.. not bcoz the staff there wasnt realli to my liking.. but coz it probably isnt very healthy... almost had my throat killed by the end of the day.. mayb the combo of the coffee bean coffee did me in as well.. but i was seriously not feeling very well by the half day mark..
If not coz that i was left feeling ill for most of the day, i'd haf said that christmas was a good day spent being wif my primary school frens again... the photos were interesting.. we talked abit as well.. mayb we doesnt include me but i dunno.. haha.. i was reminded from the photos about how i looked like when i was young.. in a word, i'd say i looked blur.. or stupid or anything weak like that.. indeed, i'd probably hate that me if i saw myself at that age today.. perhaps i've not changed much inside nor haf i improved outside but thats how i feel...
chances chances and more chances.. i said i missed a million but of coz thats juz a figure of speech, or an exaggeration.. but i'd safely say that i missed at least 2 chances... 2 absolute chances that if i had properly held wif my 100% effort, i'd probably not b here typing this stupid blog entry n sulking that i got no buddy to drink wif rite now.. but i had alreadi said that there's some things that i cannot reveal so i cannot elaborate...
Some things may b meant to b... but if this is realli true, then mayb im meant to live my entire life as a singular entity.. as a person who cannot relate to anyone out there... even my own family... but if things were not meant to b this way.. if onli we were meant to b together, then i can onli look forward to the next time we meet, which seemingly is an entire year later since this buncha kids like to meet up in december...
SW's flying off to philadelphia soon... she's almost too amazing a person already.. shes like everything i shld haf been to b a successful MAN.. yes i'd think that being able to achieve such grades, having such plans for ur own future n being such an outstanding musician, i'd b as successful a person as anyone who'd gotten a prize to recognize their success... but in comparison, the me in reality at this moment pales so much that i'd probably blend in wif a white wall.. i haf 0 positive traits and so many negative ones.. its small wonder that i'm caught in the dilemma of the parasite.. wats that u wld ask? i juz came up wif that myself... the dilemma of the parasite wld b when a parasite falls in love wif the being it is leeched upon... the parasite endangers the harm of its owner... juz by being attached to it.. so in order for the parasite to allow its owner to live happily ever after, its onli choice is to leave its owner.. perhaps this story is stupid.. but when im the parasite, me, as a human being, cannot juz leave the person he loves entirely without a single care.. because somewhere deep inside, every human yearns to b with the person he loves the most.. but if being with the person wld onli make the person less happy, then there are onli few choices... i cld only come up wif 2 n was hoping for my beer buddy to tell me some about this but in the end, it had to come to this...
anyway the 2 paths to take were to either leave completely, along wif all the sadness n pain of not being able to b the one to bring happiness to the person i love, OR to improve myself so much such that i m in the position to b the one to give her the best things in life... apparently it is easy to decide that the correct thing is the latter.. but sometimes, the easier way out is more enticing.. n besides, the correct way may not be attainable if ability limits ambition... n who wld noe better about myself other than me... im almost too appalled by the uselessness n weakness of myself... so perhaps i can onli haf myself to blame for my plight.. if even i m in any plight at all.. but as far as i noe... at this moment in time, I m feeling the heartache still...
Yuhui told me b4 that being single isnt such a bad thing.. freedom is something that is almost as priceless as love.. i've lived my life with that in mind ever since she told me that... but until yesterday nite, while i was lying on my bed thinking of how to deal wif the problem at hand, i came to realise that i m unable to fully grasp that fact that being single isnt sad at all... im not sure y i m so, but i realli realli realli realli always wished to find my missing rib bone... my other half, my soul mate etc... so i came to the conclusion that unlike u yuhui, im not that brave to b happy all day when im single...

Blogskin

2009-08-31T10:17:00.001+08:00

Seeing how my previous blogskin has become CMI.. I decided to finally make some changes to it.. but i din realli find any that i liked in wat others haf done on their own.. so im currently experimenting on how to do it by myself.. so after an hour plus of playing around, i've managed to keep this for the moment.. at least the words are readable.. haha..

2009-07-28T11:22:00.002+08:00

I haf been feeling very tensed up lately.. some form of unseen pressure or stress keeps haunting me and its making me very angry especially when im at home.. but theres nothing that i know of to do.. what am i supposed to do.. most of the times i tend to think too much and create problems for myself that may haf actually never existed.. but at least most of the times i m able to brush them aside by acknowledging them simply as juz me thinking too much.. but currently im not able to do that.. mayb all the new things about module choosing n stuff n all the uni pple n all the uni stuff have gotten to me.. i nid or shld i say i want help.. but nobody's there to offer me...
perhaps most pple wld say that once we've all grown up, we haf to kick our dependency habit aside.. learn to become an independent individual.. sure i believe that i m able to do that.. but thats onli when i'm by myself.. if i choose to neglect or ignore those around me n rely all on myself.. i will b able to thrust thru many things n come out of it.. but yet evry human tend to want to b a part of a group.. to haf pple to rely on.. even if not all the time, those little bits of times when u juz feel like someone shld b there to support u.. even if juz wif moral support, it wld make one feel so much better..
perhaps because of this, i m forced to enter a stage of denial.. or shld i say i m split up.. i haf nv been able to strike a balance in anything that i do.. i tend to go to the extremes.. which is probably y i'l nv be able to achieve much without anyone thinking or even pointing out to me how strange i haf been...
for the past month i've done so many things by myself... its not like i did not try to do things wif my frens.. but perhaps i did not try hard enuff... im not sure... but i nv wanted to enforce my will on others.. if i ask once n u dun agree.. then i'l juz accept that... but i feel that i've realli done alot of things that almost evryone did not do by themselves.. i attended arts camp by myself.. sure theres probably more who did that too.. and it wasnt exactly a difficult thing to do.. as a matter of fact, nothing was too difficult since it was juz socializing which although im not a master of, im not afraid of it either.. so after arts camp, was precamp.. which although there was participation wif a few frens, i still feel that my overall feel of precamp was that i did it all by myself again.. of coz that meant that i'd made new frens... but to meet a grp of pple who've alreadi bonded together.. its realli hard not to feel left out at times.. n being me, i cannot differentiate which smiles are real n which are fake... i'd usually assume that evryone is frenly but deep down i probably cant convince myself 100%.. so i'd still feel that i cannot fit in...
after precamp i was told about rag n rag dance.. sure i did this on my own accord but at first my stand was alreadi clear.. that O week had priority over rag dance.. but someone, i forgot who, convinced me that the 2 cld go hand in hand.. n so i signed up for rag dance.. which currently i feel that im not cut out for... i may not b smart or clever.. but comparing my physical capabilities to my academic or 'mental' capabilities, i'd say that im not exactly suitable to do physical activities at all.. but since i've alreadi gotten myself aboard, i'd try my best.. but sometimes my best juz isnt enuff..
perhaps all these isnt realli enuff to pull me down.. perhaps it is the event that i feel that im losing all the frens that i've made since arts camp.. perhaps it is the fact that i feel i cant connect to anyone anymore... that i've lost even those frens that i've made prior to uni.. prior to NS... prior to jc... looking back at my past.. wat exactly haf i collected thru my life... perhaps i've lived my life wif being alone in mind... from the way i live, i'l probably b living happily ever after if there wasnt any expectations of settling down n starting a family.. but in life... there is always expectations.. even from the person himself... no matter how hard i try not to give myself any expectations or targets related to age, they still surface after time passes by...

tired of living but yet unable to cut life... perhaps i juz nid time to get past this stage of life.. as how i've always been getting by is juz let time take its toll.. evrything will go by soon enuff...

2009-06-06T18:49:00.002+08:00

Its been quite long liao but i guess i shld mention since i mentioned Newcastle in the previous post.. Newcastle got relegated! boo.. ha.. i gave them 3 wins out of last 6 games n they onli got 1.. but they cld haf stayed wif juz one more point so its still quite stupid.. oh wells..

im wondering if i shld go for arts camp.. sam doesnt seem interested in it saying that hes not from the faculty.. so mayb i haf to do this alone again.. a few more days to consider i guess..

2009-05-14T20:37:00.002+08:00

weekly update! haha.. Newcastle finally got their win in a long time!! hah.. i gave them the need for 3 wins to stay in the premier league and thats juz their first win with only 2 games to go... optimistically, one more win shld suffice.. but 2 wins will secure premiership next season.. im not all that upset if they realli go to the championship next season though.. but thats provided that they are able to come back the following season of coz..
as for myself, i achieved a new mileage on my bike.. longest single trip now would b cycling to cck from home.. i went to pjc after that as well though not directly.. din noe that zyi was working there too...

2009-04-22T18:23:00.002+08:00

ah ha! its been so long since i blogged... and looking around a couple of blogs of other's, i realised that we all haf not blogged for a lengthy enuff period of time.. hah..
been wanting to post about my birthday of coz.. after all.. it was something worth noting i guess.. moreover it was not as bad as i would haf imagined..
prior to the day itself.. mayb about a month or so ago? it was about the time when my mom had suggested that i do something.. n she wanted me to book a chalet.. im not sure y my mom n relatives like chalets so much but i wasnt realli into the idea.. but in the end it din materialize coz of a lack of space at chevron's chalets.. n i din manage to get any real info of other chalets.. so i moved from the chevrons chalet to the chevrons' karaoke..
my main purpose was probably to avoid letting family meet frens.. im not sure y but i nv realli liked to swarm my family wif frens.. mayb a small grp of 4 or 5 is ok but that number was not exactly wat i had in mind to haf on the day..
shortly after the chevrons karaoke plan fell apart as well.. i started growing tired of doing this.. i started to recall the days in my first few months of jc when i opted to hide my birthday.. y did i do that? ahh... i suppose i rmb the reason to b that i disliked my birthday.. i wasnt exactly happy wif the fact that im living.. that i was born into this world.. so my birthday wasnt exactly something for me to celebrate about.. n this feeling started seeping back into me..
well i had 2 paths remaining anyway.. west coast park or my house.. west coast park cld not provide any emergency wet weather programmes n so that fell as well.. although of coz.. on the actual day the weather was quite far from being wet.. but who wld haf dared to guarantee..
as i was not exactly in the mood to celebrate my birthday anymore.. i did rather minimal things to prepare for the day itself... unlike tyris's birthday, i had no plans for any simple decorations.. or mayb thats juz me being a guy.. i dunno.. ha.. but apart from ordering the buffet, i did not even bother thinking about wat mite happen or wat i wld want to happen n stuff like that...
in the end of coz i'd pretty much love to thank my parents for many things.. my dad especially for lots of things such as the radio outside which i did not realli feel like approving but i did not reject as well.. turned out pretty well in the end too.. the tables n chairs were also sufficiently enuff that it almost seemed planned to the dot for each person to haf a seat..
theres probably many things to note.. such as the wii which onli my jc grp cld enjoy whilst i cldnt realli fit my pri grp inside to take turns... the 360 wasnt used but i guess it doesnt matter.. i did not talk to evryone alot not realli coz i din haf much time but coz thats how i m.. i dun realli talk alot unless u want to listen to useless babble wif no sense or constructiveness at all.. n mayb many other things which i may or may not haf knowledge of since i had quite the help i did not ask for but gladly accepted..
thanks as well to zhiying for coming despite needing to go to the airport to welcome ur dad...
thanks also to tyris for coming despite it being ur dad's birthday.. i guess 21> any other number eh...
thanks to those who got me gifts even though u did not ask me wat i wanted.. it must haf been tough to choose something for me since i dun seem to haf any real interest in anything..
thanks to my cousins who got me a guitar.. im not sure how far i will go wif it but i will try..
thanks to those who got me gifts that i wanted.. thats after all.. wat i wanted.. haha..
thanks to those who came.. n to those who cld not make it but made it out such that u seemed like u were coming until the last minute then cannot.. im not sure whether it was preplanned or realli last minute.. but im a doubtful man.. hah.. not that it matter of coz..
thanks to those who enjoyed urselves n those who pretended to enjoy urselves even if u did not.. = )
all in all.. thank ou evryone who wld haf a chance to see this post.. = D
on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, that day being a memorable one in my entire life, i would give it a 6.

2009-03-16T22:00:00.001+08:00

2 slpless nites

2009-03-15T23:13:00.003+08:00

wat a terrible sunday it has been today.... mainly due to the fact that i cldnt fall aslp last nite..

i had turned in at 12 plus last nite n i assumed i'd b able to slp within a hour at most.. but it turned out that it was one of those slpless nites n it i wld think it was one of the worst ones i've had.. mainly again.. due to the fact that i seem to haf been plagued wif nitemares n weird visions of some of the pple that i've met in my life... n these pple arent exactly even considered acquaintances of mine... but anyway it was a real pain to get thru the nite n i can rmb waking up at 4am to find myself realli tired...

it was made worse of coz by the fact that i felt very heaty the entire first half of the day.. n there was alot of noise pollution to me.. hah.. partly from the malay wedding going on downstairs, n partly coz my bro was listening to his Jeneration album in the living room due to the fact that his player in the room wasnt working.. i tore thru most of the day wif a terrible headache.. but the sunny weather turned wet n the rain was pouring like it nv did b4.. haha.. that was rite after i bathed n funnily i had a strong feeling of wanting to stand in the rain when i was bathing.. of coz i din expect the rain to b that heavy but the feeling was really very real n strong..

luckily my headache lifted by now.. else i probably wun b here.. ha..

anyway i rmbed the missing thing i wanted to blog about yesterday..

it was the direction in which the relation actually works... coz its almost a hard fact that i adore fish leong, i was wondering if it was becoz of this fact that i haf this longing for a relationship, or is it becoz of this longing for a relationship that attracted me to fish leong, whos supposed to b the queen of love songs i guess? ha...

also, i've been watching this show on SCV called the most beautiful 7th day.. haha.. its directly translated from chinese la.. hah.. but i like this show.. its kinda like the other show tian mu xia de lian ren.. i think that one showed on channel U b4.. the actors are almost all the same plus a few more.. hah.. but i think its realli quite a nice romantic comedy serial kinda show.. ha.. i wonder again... if its coz i've always wanted romance that i like this show.. or that i watch this show which made me feel like falling in love... ha..

2009-03-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

it doesnt really feel that long since i last blogged though... 13 days... but i guess time flew past a little bit faster than usual in the past 13 days ba.. sadly due to the fact that i had a little rare mc spell for the extraction of my wisdom tooth of coz.. which even more sadly, has alreadi ended yesterday...

been thru a few things these past week i guess.. one being wisdom tooth, another being lilian's birthday.. i vaguely remember one other thing i shld note but i dunno wat it is at the moment.. ha..

nothing much about my wisdom tooth except that i was blindfolded during the 'operation'.. hah.. not exactly covering my eyes wif a cloth but my face above my mouth was indeed wrapped up n i cldnt c anything at all.. i believe no one else has this since no one told me about it.. so this is something i tot i shld note.. ha..

n den its lilian's birthday celebrations, which was yesterday.. 5 days in advance.. i guess i was a bit disappointed that my saints t shirt wasnt valued to b within the theme.. haha.. but oh wells.. at least there were real sporting pple.. so sorry that we disappointed u at the start lilian.. ha.. its those sporting pple's fault for coming late... hah... i can understand it wld haf been quite a lowering spirit to c the first few grps of pple to b not 'appropriately dressed' hah..

but i guess it was all goin well in the end ba.. ha.. at least it was something new for me.. ha.. nv saw those wings in real life b4.. onli saw them on tv even if it was a live programme somewhere in singapore.. ha..

i wonder if i shld celebrate my birthday though.. i muz still admit that it wasnt realli a positive motivation to me to do my own after attending hers.. ha...

anyway i seem to haf started feeling detached from my life again.. ha... it seems like im missing something.. some link wif my frens.. i've quit msn for now since my less than useless com cant take the pop ups when pple come online.. so at least i nid to use facebook without the nid to live thru 5 minutes of hang time after each click..

i manage my finances based on being a single entity.. i think if i had a girlfren, my entire formula will crumble to bits.. so although i dunno whether i shld b happy that i've always failed at attracting positive feelings, it probably is something that i dun nid to fret about..

basically i've always thought that being single was alot freer.. lolx.. as far as im concerned, its much easier to move about when ur by urself.. but it was due to many external reasons that made me feel that life is about family.. or at least MY life will haf to b about creating my own family.. mayb all i haf to do is admit that i cannot fulfil that requirement.... juz like how i cant fulfil alot of other things that is required of me.. ha..
1 month 10 days more.... even if after i ORD, i start saying that after ORD the feeling of excitement will b gone.. I DUN MIND... SO LONG AS IM NO LONGER IN THIS STINKING SORRY EXCUSE OF A MILITARY ORGANISATION, I'l still b happy saying that as a CIVILIAN... i dun express much when other pple talk about life after NS of coz.. but i guess i still feel pissed when they treat it like something i shldnt look forward to..

2009-03-01T15:34:00.002+08:00

one thing i did this week.. went for jing ru's autograph session! haha..
it had alreadi been decided quite long ago to go for this one i guess.. ever since i bought the album, wp n me probably wld haf alreadi decided to go for this one alreadi.. also.. since sam had alreadi orded.. i had asked him along for this as well...
but about a week or a few days b4 the day, 25th feb, sam had alreadi informed me that he had to attend his fren's 21st birthday so wun b coming.. so i tot it'd b me n wp liaox.. since i felt that wp wanted to go for this more than i did... BUT in the end.. a few hours b4 that, he tells me that he had something on n cldnt make it.. thus leaving me, alone, by myself, to haf to go for this one...

not that its much of a problem actually.. but i juz din wanna do this one by myself... so i approached a couple of frens.. girls of coz.. haha.. n asked if they wanted to go.. but i guess they are all rather busy... n the one who probably has time isnt interested.. haha.. so i decided to stop asking at the 3rd person n juz go for it myself...

im so called alreadi joined the fishdreamsg fan club n conveniently had a number of one of the pple in the grp... so i contacted her n asked some stuff again... BUT i muz say that i feel that this fan club realli isnt that great.... mayb in my mind, i had a idea of how it wld b like.. thats y this grp doesnt meet my expectations.. but seriously.. i feel that this grp is realli toooooo non frenly...

at the end of it i had my 2 seconds wif jing ru lo... nothing spectacular.. but at least even without all the hype of the first time i went... i still smiled when we exchanged greetings on the stage...

jing ru mentioned rainbows that day.. but i onli knew that it was a double rainbow a few days ago... i din c it myself of coz.. but there are some photos floating around n i caught one of them.. ha..

contemplating on my birthday again... mayb i'l juz get evryone to go to the pinnacle at chevrons ba... its the easiest option at the moment now...

finding someone wif similar interests n similar free time eh... i suppose being in the same class wld help...

half way thru the 2009 NS liaox.. 2 more months to go... lets hope for the best.. hope i can tolerate it til the end.. b4 i explode n 'do something' against the 'rules'..

on a side note.. my bro bought jay's mtv recently.. caught the mtv for snake dance... lara is in it.. dressed in egyptian style n all.. i nv realli tot she looked very pretty.. but i think i like her make up in the mtv.. her face looks very nice to me.. haha..

2009-02-23T10:24:00.003+08:00

wkend over le.. so fast... haix.. sianz...
anyway saturday flew past real fast... had to attend my captain's house warming.. n he stays at seng kang central.. which is like accessible by train but DAMN far away.. its like the last 3rd stop of the NE line.. alighted at buang kok station... went to his house b4 so alreadi noe how it looks like la.. was looking forward to seeing his dog de but turned out he had brought him elsewhere coz otherwise the guests n the dog wld b a complicated problem.. anyway the food was ok.. not exactly great.. hah.. but as the great alcoholic that he is.. wahah.. i got to drink some wine.. i think about 13%.. not exactly enuff for me though.. haha.. but i guess it was better this way la.. din wanna get knocked out so far away from home.. besides.. i had another event in the evening..

had called several of the jc peeps to chevrons to sing.. but ended up almost not getting to do so coz i nv book b4 hand.. haha.. i dun like to b the coordinator so called la.. ha.. but snice im the onli person not ord'ed n so has the chevrons card.. i guess its pretty much left up to me liaox... i still cant realli control when to n not to use the 假音 lo... i think i shld realli try to hear the person sing first b4 i switch his voice off n start singing.. mayb the key isnt as high as i tot it was...

oh n b4 i forget.. im sorry if im guilty of snatching microphone.. haha.. but sometimes i juz cant help it.. juz tell me if i nid to stop.. = )

was supposed to play bball on sunday... but it RAINED!!! haix... although they still played but onli at a later time, i onli joined them in the last hour or so... n although i was encouraged that i had improved... but im pretty much still not very good wif team work lo.. i see them play is realli quite amazing.. its like dancing realli.. haha..

but travelling on the train reminded me of a certain her again.. ha.. coz she told me that the NS n NE line had 2 numbers missing.. so looking at the board on the train reminded me of wat she said.. it stirred my heart a little bit at first.. but i guess i haf to get used to it eh.. i wonder when will i get to meet up wif her again....

my 21st birthday may not materialize as yet after all.. so i wonder...

2009-02-20T20:48:00.003+08:00

ok.. im rather bemused by the way br talked about 'instead of whining "if only"'.. i read my entry n the only 'if only' that i wrote about was about meeting someone who was like me.. as far as i noe... whining about something to do wif 'if only' wld b when this particular 'if only' was refering to something that has past.. for example if only i had done this instead of that.. but i was simply wishing for something to happen.. its like a future thing.. that may or may not b definite.. but mayb has something to do wif time b4 it arrives... so im not quite sure if i cld b considered whining...

mayb everyone has juz a simple target they wish to really achieve all their lives.. n i cld say the same for myself.. but mayb the target i set for my own life is far more difficult to achieve... which is y i cant seem to b content wif wat i haf.. the so called 'noe content' in chinese... does it mean to b content wif ur lot? with no motivation to strive for a better deal? im not exactly sure how it works.. but i've come to think that it may not b as positive as it is made to sound..

the food thingy was juz an analogy i decided to put up coz i found it interesting.. my fren was realli quite pissed about pple telling him that.. so i tot it was funny.. haha...

doesnt realli matter anot whether i make an effort to clear wat i feel r misunderstandings of wat i express of coz.. but i juz tot that i mite as well try to convey as correct as possible wat i had set out to in the first place.. perhaps it was onli in the spurn of the moment.. is that the correct expression? ha.. so mayb it is onli correct for that one hour or so.. ha..

anyway my fren mentioned that my webby kinda doesnt make sense coz u cant realli 'give off' a sense of belonging.. but i guess pple can get the idea.. haa..

and yes.. i will continue to sort out my tots.. although my tots change many many times after evry event in my life.. haha.. but i suppose i will try to find a pattern somehow..

2009-02-19T22:48:00.002+08:00

haiyo.. karen.. i use MBi becoz i m Bing n not Beng leh.. hahah..

firstly, i dun want to meet someone like me so that i can say that there's someone similar in this world.. i want to meet this person coz in this way, this person will haf all the time in the world for me n i wld haf the same for him or her.. thus we'd b able to fit together n attain our individual goals together.. its kinda like a jigsaw puzzle wif a similar edge n dent... or mayb a digimon piece wld demonstrate this better.. lolx.. 2 digimons fit each other perfectly! HAH..

secondly, i dun realli care about normal or abnormal.. whether one is normal or not is a comparison of that person with the rest of society.. it is juz an opinion.. a view point.. so its not realli impt to check that flag..

thirdly, i kinda hate it when pple say things like 'theres pple out there alot worse off than u are'.. this sentence isnt constructive at all.. other than being a fact.. or an unproven fact even.. it serves as nothing else.. so wat if theres pple alot worse off.. if i think about that n b happier.. thats juz nonsense.. even if im happier, the pple out there wld still b the same as b4.. worse off or not doesnt matter.. so y do pple say this to tell the person to cheer up? i've grown to find that this sentence pisses me off.. haha.. its similar to the sentence ' u noe how many pple in the world r starving' when u dun finish ur food... to quote a fren of mine, 'they starve bcoz of distribution problem n not shortage of food problems... there is 4x more than enuff food for the entire human race.. but its the distribution problem that causes certain countries population to suffer from starvation... n even if u do finish ur food.. those pple wun get served wif food anyway.. its a no link thing..

fourthly, even IF there are pple out there alot worse off than me.. y muz i compare myself wif them? juz so that i can feel better wif myself? if i feel better juz coz of comparisons.. then i mite as well compare myself wif pple who r disabled or mentally challenged.. if by comparing myself wif them makes me feel better.. then i think 90% of the world's population shld NV b sad at all.. if im supposed to make a comparison.. y not compare wif someone who's life is better instead?

anyway thx for visiting my blog still.. = D appreciate the tags..

i've been reading my 06 blog entries.. i realise that the horoscope thing i posted then.. seems to b coming true.. lolx.. oso the characteristic of Squall Leonhart of FF8 oso seems to b materializing b4 my eyes.. so its actually quite interesting.. at least i noe that keeping this blog has its uses.. ha.. this blog is kinda like my psychiatric file lo.. its like im going psychotherapy n this is my entire file... reading the file from the beginning to the end.. i mite find out more about my 'condition'.. hah..
watched this show called 'chaos'.. think its quite an old movie.. it talks about the chaos theory.. n got one part talk about 'when u get lost, return to the beginning to find ur path'.. something like that.. its actually quite useful sometimes.. haha...

2009-02-17T22:39:00.003+08:00

i've lost the reason to blog about certain things again... n i had a few things which i wanted to pen down as well..
firstly, having a great pal, a buddy, a best fren.. does it mean that it will go both ways? the great pal of A, B, will treat A as a great pal as well.. does it haf to b mutual for this system to work? or does it haf a possibility to go one way? or does it not count if its a one way thing...
i'm lost again trying to find someone to love.. perhaps no one requires the love that i m capable of giving.. which brought me to a door which reads 'frens'.. at this point of time i find pple whom i've not met in a long time.. n oso pple whom i've not been even frens wif.. juz mere acquaintances.. perhaps the army is taking too much of my time.. perhaps its a good thing.. im not sure anymore..
i nid some pple to distract me.. to take up my time.. if i were to distract myself, i'd onli haf video games to do so.. n thats not exactly the most useful... i mite nid to wear down my physical body as well...
i m lonelier than i ever haf been.. anything positive is multiplied by 0.01.. n anything negative is 100x magnified.. at this rate.. all i can think about is ending up onli feeling the happiness of others overflowing n splashing onto me.. but my cup of happiness.. it has a closed off lid.. which cannot b filled from the overflowing pails of others... i can onli b happy for a brief moment.. when the droplets fall on the sides b4 slowly dripping off me........
if onli... i cld find someone similar to me in this aspect..... i've seen myself in several of my frens.. a part of me is reflected in them.. but those are different aspects of myself.. yet no one seems to feel the way i feel.. perhaps.. i m heavily misunderstood... perhaps... i haf a warped sense of logic..
i used to deny that my logic is different.. or even wrong... but i've come to accept that it realli cld b that way.....
yh said to me that it is juz the mindset.. she is still happy n free being by herself... i agreed wif that.. that it is juz the mindset.. but unfortunately.. my mindset strays from that which she adopts.. perhaps it is the inability to change my own mindset that is the cause of my own misery... but yet.. misery is but too heavy a word.. i haf no real emotion.. so i cannot feel misery.. i can only feel minor sadness..
i seem to possess a gallon of hatred.. of negative feelings n tots.. which i always tot that i cld easily unleash upon anyone or evryone... but lately i realise that i may haf forgotten that i've actually bottled up almost too much negativity such that it cannot fit thru the passageway to exit... it is a solid being n thus it can onli reside within me for however long a time it takes to dissipate...

2009-02-16T16:57:00.000+08:00

i shall try to recall starting from friday.. i suppose theres nothing much to rmb about office hours events so starting from after work i guess..

i found myself to b willing to walk wif someone even if i cld juz take a bus..
i m not exactly gd at expressing myself..
i m very imposing on others in the sense that i feel that its ok to disturb others at their homes..
i m demanding on my frens..
i do eat food courts once in a while wif frens instead of always taking fast foods..
i usually stick to things or places that i've tried b4 to eat..
budget is important to me..
i tend to b earlier if i can rather than late..
i feel quite bad if ny fren accompanies me but ends up wasting more time than needed..
i still prefer to do things on the sly.. stealth is my pride..
i like to feel appreciated.. mayb alot more than others..
i m a fan of rtk..
im not very gd wif soccer electronic games..
i m forgetful..
i ignore pple when i feel tired n go to slp..

as i wake up to the morning sun the following day.. ha.. there was less things to discover until i reached home i guess.. but i guess there are still some things to mention..

12 flower bouquets actually weigh relatively enuff to tire my hands..
having 2x hotcakes meal isnt very fun..
i still dun like to talk about myself to my family.. mentally prepares lies to smoke them if they asked certain questions.. but always end up not needing to use them as they ask questions which i din expect n end up telling the truths.. but i guess i tell the truth coz the things asked are trivial n doesnt realli matter..
i dunno how to take care of flowers.. had to keep them at home til i went out in the evening.. put it in a tall cup as mom suggested..
i like to wear long sleeves..
i realized the things which i forgot to do..
i arrive an hour earlier than agreed upon to inspect the surroundings n to check on suitable locations.. ended up spending half an hour waiting for time to pass..
holding flowers, even on Vday, seems to make pple stare at me.. i was quite affected by pples eyes n put on a cap to hide my eyes..
mayb flowers on vday isnt that important...
i do a routine check on how long i wld nid to wait..
i learnt that eating without talking may or may not b a good habit..
choosing a quiet place to talk is a good idea.. but mayb somewhere wif seats wld b good..
i m forgetful n non focusing.. cant rmb or recall wat was said to me even from a minute ago..
i m lame.. it was quite a bad thing...
i m unromantic.. a bore even...
i haf no interest in buying things for myself..
i haf no 2nd tots to spend on pple whom i do care about..
loving someone is juz a feeling..
i will not love someone less after understanding more about her.. on the contrary, i m happy to learn more about the person that i love.. no matter whether it is good points or bad ones..
i m not able to comprehend positive or negative signals.. nor m i able to change tactics mid way.. i can onli start n end wif one strategy imbued within me b4 i can change..
i impose my will on others again.. not a gd sign..
i m onli able to give silly n stupid suggestions..
i haf very little knowledge on the world or how it progresses..

n then its sunday.. i had agreed to meet zhi hao at the jurong east gym...

gym is not for me.. zh said that guys usually go to the gym to work out seriously.. so they bring wif them a sense of anger.. so that they can outdo themselves? not very sure how to put it.. hah..
i m not weak physically.. but im definitely not strong either..
after gym effects isnt very nice..
zh is a gd lad.. LOL...

n i was asked to play bball in the evening that day at the gym as well..

after gym, hands require different ways of movement to conjure strength to even throw the ball at the board.. haha..
i realised that i always tot certain pple werent approachable, like they arent realli frenly.. but mayb it is juz me who isnt frenly... who doesnt talk to other pple... it was quite strange to discover that fact but it may realli b true,,
peng swee is good basketball player.. ha.. unlike me, whos role is still to stand around n b clueless as to wat to do...

n finally, i heard some stories regarding the childhood lives of my elder brother, sister, n myself from my mom.. it was quite interesting.. n some things that i may haf rmbed differently, or even nv rmbed at all...

i guess not evrything i discovered was about myself.. n mayb somethings are juz relative.. but without competition or even juz comparison.. i suppose then i wld not b able to grow..

2009-02-15T22:57:00.006+08:00

A good 3 days of self discovery...

i feel that the past 3 days haf made me realise alot more about myself compared to the past mayb 2 years? haha.. its a gd thing to noe more about myself of coz.. but getting to noe myself in itself isnt realli a happy thing.. haha... oh wells....... shall blog about that soon if i feel like it.. hah..

2009-02-11T16:36:00.002+08:00

juz wanted to post the lyrics of 2 songs that i think is quite interesting.. haha..

firstly, 愛情轉移 by eason.. i din post the whole song.. juz some parts which i think is quite funny.. haha.. its actually a quite negative song lo.. i especially find this line 接近換來期望期望帶來失望的惡性循環 quite realistic.. haha..

徘徊過多少櫥窗住過多少旅館
才會覺得分離也並不冤枉
感情是用來瀏覽還是用來珍藏
好讓日子天天都過的難忘
熬過了多久患難濕了多少眼眶
才能知道傷感是愛的遺產

回億是抓不到的月光握緊就變黑暗

床單上鋪滿花瓣擁抱讓他成長
太擁擠就開到了別的土壤
感情需要人接班接近換來期望
期望帶來失望的惡性循環
短暫的總是浪漫漫長總會不滿
燒完美好青春換一個老伴

next is fish's song 用力抱著.. guess i'l post the whole lyrics here.. nothing much to say about this.. juz wanted to share wif anyone who even comes here.. haha..

寂寞時你像個貝殼閉上眼你倔強的摀住雙耳
背對背地坐著我們用沉默在拉扯看誰的淚先輸掉拔河

愛我時你不夠嚴格總忘了能夠牽手多麼難得
我不怕生命有挫折不怕回憶會有皺摺唯有你說要放棄我不願符合

你心裡有多少忐忑交給我去用力抱著
雙手還有熱或許能喚起你的不舍有一天我們傷的心會癒合

心裡的忐忑抱著慢慢就會好的
感動都有了還有甚麼不認可不准我們把愛給走成了坎坷

多少戀人不費唇舌在一起卻說服彼此不適合
我懂得生命有沼澤懂得愛會失去光澤只是在你懷裡是快樂的抉擇

你心裡有多少忐忑交給我去用力抱著
雙手還有熱或許能喚起你的不舍有一天我們傷的心會癒合

心裡的忐忑抱著慢慢就會好的
感動都有了還有甚麼不認可不准我們把愛給走成了坎坷

我心裡也有的忐忑曾經你也勇敢抱著
思念還有歌唱著我無法對你割捨相信我們傷的心會癒合

心裡的忐忑時間跟我說會好的
決心放好了這一次非你不可若這不是愛那有過的是甚麼

2009-02-09T09:40:00.003+08:00

hmm... i love the effect alcohol has on me when i consume a significant enuff amount.. haha.. but i've never realli liked the taste of any alcoholic drink as yet... kinda makes me feel like im taking medicine.. as the chinese saying goes.. bitter medicine works best..

enuff time has passed by since i got jing ru's new album.. n i've grown to like the album now.. haha.. as usual din realli like it at first.. n got a bit afraid that i dun like jing ru anymore.. haha.. but now i guess its over le.. the album is nice n i still like her alot.. haha.. oh wells..

2009-02-08T22:04:00.002+08:00

ahhhhhhhhh.......... i wonder...... realli......

anyway.. i dunno if im the onli person who waits til the 15th day of the new year b4 i open my ang baos... is that money realli that important that we haf to count the amount as earli as possible after we receive them? to me.. its juz a symbolic thing.. that we receive ang baos.. after all.. the money belongs to the entire family or mayb even juz frens.. but r we that happy to pool their money together for our own use? i dunno..

im still looking for a fren who wld take me in as a follower.. haha.. then i'd b able to pledge my loyalty to him or even her.. n i'l do alot to put things in his favour.. at least that way.. it'd b quite obvious when i'm making a difference in another person's life.. in a positive way.. but i guess i'd expect some sort of protective cover from him as well.. after all.. nothing realli comes out from a one way relation ba... so this person shld at least b quite capable from my point of view...

2009-02-05T21:17:00.002+08:00

to BR.. nope shes not attached.. again.. u gave me inspiration.. haha.. although i cant say if thats gd or bad..
i seem to always end up being on the waiting side of things.. no matter how i try to avoid i will always need to wait... but i guess this wait will settle things for the while now..
i had intended to end it short but thru several inspirations i was made to think that i nid not limit myself to this set amount of time.. so i continued a few more.. but now i've stopped to think again.. n i realise that i actually AM required to keep it short.. so this wait will probably settle things.. its the easy way out for me i guess..

boo! nobody comments on my note.. hahaha... i c other pple's note put up awhile so fast will haf pple comment on it.. but i put up nobody comment de.. so sad... ahha.. although i noe that it is still read la no matter the no. of comments.. or at least i've known of one who's read wif no comments alreadi la.. haha.. but still.. i had expected more than this.. luckily carol commented.. hah.. but it was rather flawed.. nothing fun to talk about..

2009-02-02T10:47:00.002+08:00

ok firstly, i think i shall not tag in my own chat box so i will onli respond to the tags there from my entries itself.. of coz i dun realli expect much tags anyway.. but since BR is such a fan n tags, i will juz respond to them from here..
for starters, i wun b changing the colour of the bouquet regardless of watever the situation or whoever the person is.. ha.. im too lazy to do that.. n i think u've been attached for too long le.. haha.. u may haf forgotten certain things that wld make it impossible to get the flowers over or at least it wld b strange or requires an excuse of some sort.. indeed if i dun expect any reciprocation it wld weigh me down less.. but a part of me still thinks that if i dun expect reciprocation den i mite as well dun do anything... y bother letting someone noe that she is loved by another individual if at the end of it all nothing will come out of it anyway.. but of coz a part of me understands where ur coming from wif that point.. haha.. so i hafta say that u gave me an idea in a sense.. but whether i will implement that idea is another thing entirely.. lastly about the sense of security eh.. i guess i've nv been able to give anyone a sense of security.. basically coz i've got a completely useless method of working n anyone who's worked wif me in a grp will probably noe that i dun work well at all in a grp.. onli a few pple noe how to work wif me.. haha.. but anyway i was talking about the sense of security.. haha.. digressed abit.. i muz say that i haf tried to enhance my capabilities n my outlook towards many things that cld broaden even alittle of my ability to make someone feel safe.. but apparently i haf no talent in this field watsoever.. ha.. so if my attitude was more serious it wld at least feel that im more able to protect wat i wld want to protect? i dunno about that at all.. ha..
ok that was all in response to BR.. haha... abit long but doesnt matter la.. ha.
i wonder if im the onli person who wld think for others almost all the time.. when i played cards wif my relatives, i wld worry that i wld lose much of coz.. thats the basic level.. next i wld worry that if i won, that wld mean that someone else will nid to lose.. n i will worry if the amount lost is significant anot... in the end i managed to come to a comfortable playing field by playing a small amount of 20 cents per round.. lolx.. its quite little but at least it was fun.. we were after all playing for kicks.. not for the money.. i managed win 15X in 2 days.. so if i had made a bigger bet i wld haf won bigger.. but im happy wif 15x of 20cents.. rather than 15x of 2 dollars.. simply becoz this way my aunt wun nid to lose too much.. n if it was losing 15x of 20cents i wldnt mind anyway...
which leads to another story.. i din realli understand wat the reason of play was.. but it seemed to me that they were playing for the money.. the rules n the bets n stuff.. it all leaned towards maximising profit rather than minimising lost.. i wasnt realli enthused into playing of coz... so i juz took 4 rounds to lose 4x of 50cents n managed to get myself out of the game finally.. ha.. n in the end the game din last long... im not sure if its coz i wasnt playing thats y they all stopped.. if it was, then i haf to say im sorry.. ha.. but if it wasnt.. then i realli dun think the reason of play was for money..
im quite bitter at times.. but if im too bitter.. anyone can juz tell me.. i'l sweeten up.. lolx.. oh wells.. there cld haf been more things to look out for b4 then.. but now i guess my next main event is ORD... even my birthday doesnt seem that big a deal rite now...

2009-01-29T22:39:00.002+08:00

its the annual CNY post again.. ha.. but i guess i got nothing real to post about this time.. as a matter of fact.. this cny seemed abit too short.. haha..
but i haf been having slpless nites since saturdae nite.. its the time where i can onli lay on my bed n close my eyes but cant fall aslp.. so i usually on the radio n listen to my CD once thru which wld usually get me to fall aslp.. n it seems to work.. but when the radio turns off from the slp mode, i wake up! haha.. n den i will b left awake for awhile again.. haven had a gd nite's slp for about a wk now.. the onli place i can slp well is onli on the bus rides..
2 days more to saturday.. the very popular first saturday after CNY.. so many things seem to b happening on this day.. i alreadi noe 2 or 3 of my frens having birthday parties on this dae, den i haf 2 grps of frens having visiting sessions.. im joining the primary one coz it was agreed upon like half a month ago or so.. compared to jc's grp which onli approached me like juz now.. ha.. of coz my relatives r oso coming over.. but currently i'd rather b wif my frens den my family.. coz i cant b sad infront of my family n relatives.. but if i wanted to i cld give any expression towards my frens.. haha..
hopefully tmr passes without problems.. currently theres quite a schedule for tmr's work.. which sees me waking up at 5 hopefully being able to leave home at 530 to catch the first 143 to JE.. ha.. if all is well.. it'd b a great day.. ha..
on a side note.. i bought 12 flowers for valentine's day thinking i cld give them to someone.. but apparently i'm left wif onli getting them off my hands for as much as i possibly cld.. at least i can cut my costs to the minimum.. but i guess advertising to sell 12 roses here probably will get me nowhere.. so i'l juz haf to ask around n c which guy nids them n will buy them from me.. hah..

我想我不适合太认真因为越认真只代表越伤的深

2009-01-24T23:46:00.002+08:00

celebrated my dad's birthday todae.. tmr's cny eve alreadi.. kinda fast come to think of it.. hah.. almost as though i'm not even prepared for it... ha..
n den the next thing i noe, CNY holidays will b gone in a flash.. next thing to look forward to wld probably b saturday's primary gathering... but im wondering if there's going to b any real thing from it...
den after that will b the feb ord pple.. n den mine after.. such a long time to go..

2009-01-23T23:52:00.002+08:00

juz came back from daniel n tim's ord treat.. i guess there wasnt realli much food to look forward to.. hah.. juz 2 pizzas n some misc stuff to eat.. the pizzas were not bad i guess.. but coz we had quite few pple so the 21 inch wasnt as sufficient as we tot it wld b... played a little tennis n got a blister on my thumb.. haha.. n i drank 4 cans of beer n got abit light headed.. hahah.. kinda sucks man.. i guess i cant hold my liquor very well... but i guess i dun realli like beer after all.. its like not very nice in terms of taste.. n it doesnt realli fulfil the purpose of getting me dead drunk... so i suppose i shld try to avoid drinking beer as much as i can anyway..

2009-01-22T22:02:00.002+08:00

firstly.. thx BR for soooo many tags.. i suppose ur quite free eh.. hahah.. but about the auto play thing.. i guess i'l try it for a while.. coz personally of coz i'd want it to b like a BG music on my blog or something la.. but evrytime i go to other pple's blog wif an auto play song.. such as BR's blog, i will first thing to do go n stop the song.. lolx.. so i dunno if its realli a nuisance or juz me.. hah..

tmr's the last work day b4 CNY.. n oso the day i become the most senior NSF!! haa.. which means i haf the rite to b in ORD mood coz im next in line.. but yet my job doesnt realli allow much of a difference in attitude to work.. or at least in my opinion la.. my area of 'expertise' so called.. is based more on good work relationships wif colleagues rather than work required of me muz b done.. if i dun do for them i oso will feel bad.. hah... but as i've learnt to tell pple about.. sometimes we juz gotta think about ourselves first.. hahaha...

i guess its nice to live life by depending on frens n other pple like that for company n stuff.. but i tend to rely on juz one person at one time.. n i will feel that i'm over relying on the person such that i shldnt bother the same person so frequently.. but i guess i nid to haf juz one person or mayb a few pple to depend on.. coz otherwise i haf to repeat certain things over n over again.. at least these pple i've gone to b4 will noe wat kind of thinking process i adopt or wat i wld tend to behave or think under different circumstances.. but i've yet to realli b successful in melding in grps yet.. im still more comfortable talking to one person at a time..

to pick out my best frens out of my 3 major grps of frens.. being primary school, secondary school and JC.. i suppose i haf different frens for different things.. haha.. for my primary school.. i feel that i can easily pick yuhui to b my best fren in terms of talking about all my feelings n tots.. partly coz i feel that she talks to me about her own feelings n tots to me without me even asking.. so i feel that she treats me as a fren.. i dun realli feel that from some pple who r supposed to b my frens.. lolx.. so thats important.. hah.. but of coz.. since we've onli met up again recently n that some things are coincidentally happening n stuff.. i suppose i cant over depend on her oso.. coz i'm supposed to b not very liao jie about her history n stuff like that..

next up is secondary school.. i suppose WP will b the best bud of RV for me.. mainly coz hes personality n mine has various similarities.. one of which is of coz the love for jing ru!! haha.. but i feel that even that in itself, i can differentiate between his n mine.. but i think i oso seldom talk about my true feelings all n all wif anyone from RV... i feel that the pple i noe are all jokers.. LOLX.. or mayb i juz dun feel like talking about it to guys.. haha.. watever eh...

from JC.. i guess theres not much to choose between BR, sam n ZYi eh.. Sam is the clear choice coz we communicate wif each other most often... n he lives nearer to me than ZYi is.. hah.. BR is out coz hes in a different league than us.. hahah.... but i guess im realli envious of BR sometimes.. b it personality or predicament.. hahah.. but coz i dun haf a real person to talk about anymore from this grp.. i will pick the grp of jurong westers n mayb cheryl tan included to b my more favoured pple to hang around wif.. haha...

2009-01-19T20:10:00.002+08:00

WHY? why? y? y m i Pes C? y m i enlisted in april? y was i posted to where i m now?
I'm more n more looking forward to ORD now.. but its still so far away.. almost seems like it nv came closer since the start of 09..
Dan n Tim ORDs this coming friday.. Sam, WP, Wbi, Willy.. they ORD 2 weeks after CNY.. out of all of them.. i haf alreadi heard Dan, Tim, Sam say that they are so close to ORD that they dun even feel any happiness about it.. is that like true? I cannot believe it.. BR said its true.. speaking from a Overly Relaxed Dude's point of view.. but I refuse to believe it.. N I will even prove that it is wrong..
From X number of months ago, I had alreadi said that come april when i ORD, I mite even tear.. it wld b tears of overjoy, tears of relieve.. tears of rejuvenation... But in truth.. I myself know that I probably wun b THAT dramatic... haha... but still.. dun feel the happiness of ORD? the emptiness of life after NS? NEVER... If I was supposed to point out the top ten things I hate about being a Singaporean male, NS wld probably top the list wif 70% of the votes..
It may not b a general dislike towards doing National Service.. Hell.. I dun even dislike NS in general.. I'm fed up coz I'm wasting 2 years doing things that I'm better off not doing.. Y do I need specs? Din pple used to tell me that I shldnt face the computer for too long? It is more personal.. I feel the personal hatred towards wat I'm doing rite now.. towards the environment in which I'm spending majority of my time awake in...
I tend to think things to the extreme.. in a chinese saying, that wld b to go to the tips of the horns.. mayb thats y i tend to haf extreme moods that can change wif a single second.. But I wonder if I was born to b like that.. to b an extremist..
I'd rather b a doppleganger.. at least his aim in life is to copy.. wif no real self, he does not nid to feel bad about himself.. even if the duplicated copy is a far cry from the original... at least the goal wld simply b to become 100% alike..

the super hero syndrome.. i suppose almost evryone wld haf this urge to b someone's super hero.. to b there n save the dae.. to rescue the victim from the clutches of evil.. or mayb juz from the troubles that the person was facing at a point or evry point of time.. but for this to happen.. there are a few conditions to b met..
1) the person MUZ face trouble that can b solved by a third person.. he/she cannot solve the problem by him/herself..
2) the 'superhero' muz b able to solve the problem wif ease.. solving the problem nonetheless after a whole tedious process may work.. but that wld lead to complications...
3) no one else muz seem to b able to do it except for the 'superhero'..
So wif those 3 conditions in mind, doesnt it mean that wanting to b a 'superhero' is wrong? since it wld mean that the 'superhero' is hoping that the person MUZ face trouble.. regardless of wat it may b.. it MUZ vex the person to a certain extent.. in other words.. he is hoping that the person runs into problems so that he can step in n save the dae... isnt it incorrect to hope something bad happens to someone else?
BUT if thats not true, then does that mean, regardless of how slight it may b, that there's a chance whereby it is justifiable to create problems for another person? to cause discomfort to someone else?
if the dude who created humans werent so lazy... we all wld haf been more perfect...

2009-01-18T10:21:00.002+08:00

went for karen's birthday party yesterdae at the pitstop cafe!! haha.. was my first time there but i think i rmb my sis talking about it b4 so i guess i had a rough idea about the place alreadi... but i guess it was pretty small compared to my pre arrival imagination.. hah..
karen had chosen the theme of old school.. but im not realli very good wif themes n such.. ha.. so i juz wore my pj shirt over a tshirt.. but it turned out that onli the few of us realli made the effort to dress for the occasion.. haha.. karen's dressing was realli nice too.. i like how she looked yesterdae..
i think if i'm gonna celebrate my 21st.. i'l juz treat the different grps of frens individually.. at least that way i dun nid to shuttle between the different grps.. n can focus on juz one grp.. but i think that way it will probably juz last for half an hour or so.. hahah...
anyway reached back my place at around 1240 alreadi.. hah... den i went up to the reservoir for a 5 minutes or so.. ha.. i was rather surprised that there weren't anyone there anymore at all.. i guess the pple stay there at nite but not that late into the nite.. i was also surprised that there was almost no wind there at all.... the water was calm n it was quite a different feel compared to in the dae...
the 3rd surprise to me was that the sky had quite a bit of stars.. its been quite long since i last saw stars in the sky.. but i dunno how to c wat stars r which.. ha.. but i guess it doesnt matter to me anyway....

2009-01-15T08:37:00.002+08:00

I think i noe y i've been thinking so much about it n that i cant realli get it out of my head for even more than 5 minutes of idleness.. hah.. its probably coz im too afraid to lose...
pple always say that we dunno how to 珍惜 until we actually lose it.. that is probably true.. in different ways as well.. i'm trying to safeguard wat i dun wanna lose... but i dun even noe if i haf it yet.. so if i dun haf it yet.. den how can i lose it? n if i want to 珍惜 it, i may b doing it in a wrong way or in a too extreme way.. which means i dunno how to do it as well..
being alone is soooo much more easier.. but i guess pple live to interact wif other pple.. human relations may b a tad too complicated in my opinion but i guess sometimes its inevitable for someone to want to relate to other pple..
i cant take things too fast.. haf to do it slow... but i wonder if i'm able to last for a long battle... i've been preparing for a swift attack.. but i guess i can onli do it long term.. or at least longer than i'd haf wanted it.. haha... no choice ba.. its not my decision to make in a sense.. i'l juz try my best..

2009-01-14T23:17:00.002+08:00

start counting from todae n i'l haf 100 days to ORD!!! haa.. n since todae's about over.. its 99 days now.. finally 2 digits.. but still so far... sighs...

smoking isnt realli as addictive as i tot it wld b.. or mayb different cigarettes haf different levels of addictiveness... i dunno.. but i feel that smoking is realli like eating sweets... eating one sweet is not enuff.. so theres always the want to get another one... but after i stop.. i dun realli haf any crave for wanting another any time after not smoking.. plus the fact that i noe its not healthy, i stop myself from taking too many at once.. ha.. so conclusion? smoking is not addictive... at least i dun feel it that way.. haa... BUT its still quite fun.. lolx.. takes my mind off things...

i hope good fortune is with me for the next few months or so.. i will b needing it.. haha.. hope i can realli haf 万事如意... haix...

2009-01-09T19:49:00.001+08:00

i was wondering wat i forgot to mention... regarding Amane Misa... mayb if she did not appear at all.. if Rem did not come down to the Human World.. then the battle between L and Light may haf been more personal or even more interesting... hah..

2009-01-09T18:04:00.002+08:00

alrite! finally finished reading the 12 deathnotes todae!! hahah.. as a loyal subject of kira.. i haf to say that i'm ok wif the ending.. since i've known thru out that kira will not win in the end coz of reasons like politcally incorrect n stuff like that.. i've always wondered how the comic ended.. coz i noe its different from the movie.. although i din watch the movie oso la.. hah..
but i can sum up very simply as to why did yagami light fail in the end... simply put.. its coz of the pple around him.. haha.. the pple that he cld make use of... firstly we c amane misa.. shes a girl with a brain size of mayb a bottle cap? haha.. as such, shes ez to manipulate of coz... but the worth of manipulating her wld decrease alot since she wld realli juz b a pair of hands.. of coz sometimes juz having an additional pair of hands is more useful than having someone who bothers to think about wat they are doing la.. ha..
den the next guy was chosen by Light himself.. Teru Mikami... hes one with enuff mental capability to act on his own when Kira cld not pass on instructions.. he cld briefly understand the general flow of Kira's tots n executed some actions on his own which pleased Light in a certain way... although it was purely accidental that Kiyomi Takada was chosen as Kira's spokesperson, the most obvious correct action was to eliminate the previous spokesperson.. hah..
However.. he doesn't seem to b that smart anymore after linking up wif Kira himself.. this can b seen from the fact that he din even realise who was following him around in the final days b4 the showdown.. if he had even been capable of identifying who was following him.. regardless of whether he knew onli his presence or if he knew exactly who he was.. then he wld haf been able to retrieve the real death note from the bank n took it home instead of leaving it back there again.. he wld haf done that if he knew that he was being followed.. but apparently he was juz another numbnuts.. hah..
Finally, Kiyomi Takada... although shes a kira supporter.. shes too feeble in terms of her mental strength.. if she was anywhere stronger.. she wld haf been able to accept killing pple calmly... although she did execute the criminals for a few wks.. or at least thats wat i understood la.. ha.. but yet she cldnt take it when she killed Mello.. if she cld relate that fact to Light calmly.. i think she wldnt haf needed to b sacrificed.. although of coz.. it was nearing the end n Light probably wld haf disposed of her all the same.. but i tot leaving as many pple to manipulate alive wld haf been a better plan.. i guess Light was juz too confident in winning that he din realli bother about safety plans anymore...
I mentioned b4 that if i had a death note in the world where Kira alreadi exists.. if Light alreadi exists.. then i wld want to b able to help him as much as i cld... haha.. n then i said that I wld probably b killed by Kira bcoz I wld b able to c Light's name n that i wasnt trustworthy enuff to b kept alive.. ha.. after all if it all ended.. I wld b the onli threat left to him..
that was b4 i read the later portions of death note.. n coincidentally, that role that i talked about was actually similar to the role of Teru Mikami.. haha.. n Light mentioned in the comic that he wld keep Mikami alive after killing Near... so I guess I wldnt die if i helped him this way.. hah.. but yet Mikami's faith of Light being god crumbled to pieces at the end... Im forced to think that Near realli did use the death note to manipulate Mikami into madness b4 dying.. coz from wat i see.. if I was in his shoes.. I wldnt doubt Light even if he was shot n lay there bleeding.. I wld still listen to him regardless.. of coz I probably wun b able to finish writing Nate River for him with my hands tied together la.. ha.. I'd probably get shot too if i tried... but i seriously wun hurl abuse at Light juz coz his plan wasnt coming together...
So I've nv wanted to b Light.. I'd rather b someone helping Light... but if I was in Light's shoes, at the end of it all.. I wld haf instructed Mikami to bring a false death note to the warehouse... to write down everyone's name in the fake note except for Light... then I wld accuse Near that he used a fake note n someone to make it look like the death note was meant to kill evryone except Kira but actually the note is fake... then under abit of interrogation wif Mikami to reveal that he indeed was hired by Near.. as long as there's no evidence to prove Light is Kira.. n wif Near being reversely accused, the Japanese team wld probably b suspecting Near a little more than b4.. n since Mikami in fact wrote Near's real name, I wld b able to dispose of him any time after this event... as long as I m free to move.. even if im still being watched by the japanese team, as long as I took out Near.. the rest of them cld b taken out by juz about anyone who possesed the deathnote..
So simply put.. the basic point of meeting in the warehouse was to take out Near... even if there was a more direct plan... like wat Near wld haf predicted to happen.. that b4 he took off his mask, all of the pple there except him n Kira wld die, den Light cld haf juz taken a gun out n shoot Near... that wld b the most direct plan.. but i guess Light wld haf wanted to end Near by writing his name in the deathnote... after all.. this is a battle of pride... not realli anymore about finding the truth of the mass murderer... so i guess pride is still wat ruins a man.. hahahah...

2009-01-05T19:06:00.002+08:00

lee hom's new song everything is quite nice.. ha.. i quite like most of the lyrics... heres some parts...

就算别人都说我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃
Cause Youre My Everything
就一个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天
永远从此刻开始算起

多少烟火坠落无痕迹
因为幸福没有捷径难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到

2009-01-02T14:06:00.001+08:00

it is strange but still true.. evry year there will come a time where im overwhelmed wif evilness.. n its happening again!

2009-01-01T11:34:00.002+08:00

heres the first post of the new year! haha.. haf been blogging consecutive days for a while now.. ha.. it doesnt realli reflect how much fun i've had in recent times but rather how much time i haf to spend blogging coz i got nothing else to do or want to do.. ha..

if i were to try summing up my 2008 experience.. i'd probably nid to recall certain unhappy events so i'd rather juz leave the summing up to the archives i've had over on the rite side of this page.. ha.. but i think i've come up wif the idea as to y i've been feeling so strange recently.. or shld i say after the chalet..

i've obviously been in NS for the past 1 year n a few months more, n during this time period, i've developed my own way of living by myself... to stick to myself without the need of another individual to always or frequently b there for me.. to b able to solve my own problems without the nid to ask for opinions, to ask for alternatives, to talk about many things.. mayb all this havent changed.. but the onli thing that's changed is probably the fact that pple HAF become available for this.. even if i choose not to discuss myself wif them, the fact remains that they've come closer to me such that i can c them in the distance n shld i ever nid to, i cld approach them..

but this availability has led to problems wif my thinking process.. i can no longer survive on my own.. when im sure that nobody's around, i can b certain that im alone.. that i haf to do evrything by myself.. so all i had to do was to make myself feel comfortable.. n i think i succeeded in that.. ha.. but being comfortable mite not mean that im happy..

being wif my frens at the chalet made me rather happy.. or mayb even too happy.. happiness drew me away from my comfort zone.. but yet this happiness cannot b sustained.. it expires almost too soon.. n im caught standing in a place where i feel neither comfortable nor happy..

of coz there mite b other reasons.. but this is wat i cld gather from evidence that i've been thinking thru recently.. ha.. reading death note oso sets my mind thinking in a hyper logical way.. n speaking of death note, i think the anime was better in terms of portraying Light's genius.. ha.. the comic makes him less than wat i rmb him to b..

so mayb im juz trying to get back into my comfort zone.. into my own brick house where i'l b safely tugged away by myself.. BUT.. i think i forgot my keys.. lolx.. mayb i will try the chimney.. haha..

on a side note.. assuming i alreadi noe who actually reads this blog, wat makes u think that watever i say is true? n if it were true, den wat wld b my intentions? i wonder if evrybody does things for a purpose.. haha.. mayb pple juz read for fun.. read n forget without the process of digesting n of coz without the process of thinking the answers to the 2 questions i juz proposed.. haha...

2008-12-31T22:18:00.002+08:00

hmm.. it seems like it works at least a little.. i shld try it for a few more times if i nid to.. evrytime i become too negative n want to post something thats soooo negative that even i myself feel that its dangerous, i'l juz post a 'post' post here.. mayb i'l b able to reflect upon how many i'l put up.. its sort of like the nails on the wooden plank thing i guess...

in a little more than an hour's time will b the new year.. although the word 'new' doesnt realli mean much anymore since this new one turns old after 365 days and another new one comes again no matter wat.. so im not realli feeling it anymore.. ha..

i wonder if i've realli woken up from my drunken stupor at the chalet last sundae morning.. ha.. it seems like whenever i feel sleepy i'l start to feel high again.. lolx.. mayb its juz me.. getting self high.. but the problem probably isnt the fact that im still high at times ba.. its probably more of the fact that after the momentary high period, i'l drop to a low low mood n start thinking ultra negatively.. ha.. thereby becoming emo n feeling helplessly sad..

it seems like the more i enjoy n love the outside world, the more i detest n hate the army... this is like prison... i feel.. so.. .........

2008-12-31T14:28:00.001+08:00

post

2008-12-30T17:31:00.001+08:00

it seems like everyone in my pri sch class is saying that we shld get together more often.. that we've not contacted each other for such a long time that they'd think it was impossible to haf seen each other on such a grand scale b4 this day..but they themselves shld haf realised that they if nobody bothered to put in an effort to organise anything at all.. nothing wld b possible.. so i suppose they tot that they werent influential enuff to b able to command such a big crowd to come together again after all these years? i dunno about that.. personally i think its realli coz they cldnt care less about it.. ha.. after all.. i was the one who said "y bother" to the question of getting as many pple to go as possible.. so i suppose bsides jade who's role in this is one of the more definite ones, i'd say the others who bothered to round up pple shld receive thanks as well.. ha.. but i onli noe sw took up one of these roles..not entirely sure about the others.. haha..

or mayb evryone's saying this onli in the moment of excitement.. they've juz gotten back from wat seems to haf been the most fun thing they've done in recent weeks or even months.. that they WANT to feel it again asap... pple start saying things like 'oh now we got each other's contacts we can go out anytime' or 'lets go sing K' or 'lets juz get together again'.. im not refering to anyone exactly.. since i'm onli citing general examples.. haha..but i believe that 80% of these pple onli say this in hopes to spur up the emotions of the other individual in the conversation and let him put something together.. i believe that after the 2nd week or so of the new year, nobody will b talking to each other about coming together anymore.. haha.. life b4 this chalet wld continue n this will juz become a distant memory..

of coz.. this is juz a story im coming wif myself as i dunno wat to blog about.. LOL.. or mayb coz i tend to think negatively.. but i feel that from my experience of my past 10 or so years.. this is wat usually happens.. yes it is true that out of the 20 plus pple that came together last wkend, there will definitely be pple who got closer to one another, or mayb a grp of 4 or 5 pple who had remained in close contact wif one another will grow to mayb 6 to 7 pple.. but there will always b at least half of the populace who will juz start wandering off again..

ok.. mayb i M starting to think negatively for the sake of sounding emo.. LOLX.. but i dunno.. i've chosen to leave my current frens whenever i had the opportunity since i was young.. mayb kindergarden doesnt count.. but from pri to sec to jc to NS, the transition always sees me going to another environment where i'm without any of my previous frens.. mayb thats y i feel that frens cant realli b kept for that long a time.. i dunno.. hah... i've always felt that frens were frens onli coz they were there.. coz they are conveniently there when u nid them.. it cld b half true.. that convenience is definitely one reason y pple stick to certain individuals.. but i've yet to realli feel the greatness of frenship...

n oso i cant help but feel that there is an unknown fear towards talking to certain pple in a crowd of frens.. or that there is a certain invisible wall that surrounds certain characters such that they will b pushed slightly out of reach of their supposed circle of frens.. but yet not far enuff to connect wif another.. or mayb i juz feel that pple still cant get very close to me despite me chosing to b the joker a few months ago.. haha.. i guess its pretty hard to change a personality trait or at least its hard to change the perception of ur personality trait.. i mean i dun juz feel that pple still has a tiny fear of me in a certain sense of the word la.. i oso feel that i cannot approach some pple as well even though im well aware that there is nothing to fear.. ha.. after all these years.. i've tried to bolster my guts.. to b braver than i was with each passing year.. but all i've been capable of doing is probably to brave thru physical tests than psychological ones.. i'm able to jump from a 2nd floor easily without worrying that i'd hurt myself.. but i'm unable to talk to someone whom i've nv spoken to b4 to ask if he cld let me join in the fun...

mayb i juz crave attention.. haha... oh wells.. i guess i shld stop writing about this coz i'm feeling emo n that anything i can think of within the next few hours will oso turn out emo.. haha....

its better to blog about events than my feelings... ha..

but yet.. i'm not sure wat i can blog about regarding the stayoverers of the chalet.. ha.. under the secrecy policy.. i dunno wat i can reveal n wat i cannot reveal.. or mayb its onli visuals that i cannot reveal n words haf no regard as to violating the policy.. or mayb the policy is onli there to safeguard my own interests n therefore my breaking it has no meaning watsoever to any other being.. ha..

or mayb im juz too lazy n thus coming up wif such a strange excuse.. either way.. i'l juz end here for now...

oh n i realised that i'm doing the last duty of the year in my office.. n oso the first duty of next year... wow... hurray... sigh...

4 more months to go...

2008-12-29T12:36:00.003+08:00

Basically, I suppose i can split the chalet into 2 categories, mainly for the parts with the entire participants, n then another wif those who stayed over..

i guess i can b happy that i managed to bring in kevin whom no one else seemed to b able to reach.. it was by sheer coincidence that i managed to find him too anyway.. ha.. it turned out to b a rather pleasant surprise for everyone when kevin arrived.. i had after all, conveniently kept it to myself that i had asked kevin to come along.. a pity he cldnt stay over due to his busy schedule.. haha.. but since it turned out that more than half the crowd din stay over in the end, it wasnt realli that big a deal..

so anyway met the grp of Shuwen, Weiwei, Siting, Binghui, Kevin, Weibin, and Yuhui at Je.. I had a small miscalculation wif my timing or mayb the bus juz came earli that dae.. but i managed to reach about 10min earlier than agreed upon.. i went up n saw SW there alreadi.. i suppose she cld afford to b earli coz she was alreadi there at Je prior to meeting us.. but i din meet up wif her directly n went back downstairs to popular.. onli dropping her an sms to hint that i was there.. kinda typical thing i'd do.. hah..

i'd haf expected latecomers of up to 30minutes.. but it turned out that when i went back upstairs, WW was alreadi there n followed shortly was BH and ST.. Kevin was on time i guess.. n the onli latecomer was WB who was 15min late.. so i guess this is a more punctual grp than the others that i noe of.. ha.. YH was on the platform alreadi since she took the train from boon lay? i'd assume she did la.. ha.. our next line of operation was to pick up the next member of our travel grp, Eileen, who was going to be at City hall, or Raffles place.. forgot le.. ha.. and then after that all the way to pasir ris..

We wld b meeting up wif the rest of the crew at pasir ris station.. but we were so called earlier i guess.. coz i din c or at least din notice anyone when we got there.. i went wif the guys to get soda as promised much earlier b4 whilst the rest waited there.. at that point i was still rather unclear as to who we were going to c.. i onli knew Zhihao, Siti, n someone else was going to b there.. im sorry but i dun rmb who that someone else was.. lolx...

anyway i was rather surprised to c some pple there.. namely, woonchang, whom i probably haf had the least memories of.. ha.. n then jun hao n yongling... junhao probly coz of the same reason as woonchang, yongling coz i din noe she was meeting us at the station.. tot she was going to b later at the chalet, n junhao N Yongling.. coz i din noe they were together.. haha... evryone who was supposed to b there was there by the time we came back from the supermarket n so we set off.. i was thinking we'd take the bus but ended up walking over.. ha.. but i muz still say that we din realli spend much time waiting... or mayb im juz too used to the need to wait for latecomers.. ha..

i hope i din miss anyone out.. ha.. but anyway, after the long walk over to downtown east area, we finally reached n met up wif the most important person of the entire event.. n she is none other than miss Jade! haha.. without her i think none of this wld haf been possible.. n without her, I'd haf needed to spend more than i'd liked.. haha.. although im not one who likes to take advantage of a fren.. but im happy that someone's settling the bill.. ha...

So bring on the barbecue! hah.. after entering the not so big chalet room of DTE, n spending about 5 minutes getting to noe our HQ of sorts.. ha.. N after taking about 2 to 3 pictures, we stepped outside n embraced our roles of BBQers.. im not exactly familiar wif making edible stuffs, so i haf to commend ZH for being such a nice guy n doing the main cooking.. (I'd refer to Zhihao as ZH instead of CH coz i think hes chi name is nicer than when its spelled in eng..) ha.. although i haf to say that sometimes he rushes too much n puts too many things on the grill.. haha.. but WB was there too to help out more than i did.. ha.. I was mainly there doing minimal chores n soaking up the smoke which irritated my eyes a hell lot.. haha.. i wldnt say the other guys din help much but i juz tot i give those 2 an honorable mention.. ha..

it din take long b4 the sky turned dark n pple started turning up too.. im not sure about the timing.. but i noe Ziwei, Lester, Mdm Noor Marlah, and Wenqi came over.. n den even later Shiqi, and Shuzhen came.. i hope im not missing anyone out again.. after a buncha typical doings at a BBQ, taking some grp photos n stuff, n hearing our teacher's stories on life n stuff.. pple started leaving alreadi.. n then the grp filtered out into the stayoverers.. ha.. wif the exception of Ziwei n Kevin i think.. since they werent staying over but they din leave wif the main grp of leavers.. ha..

guess i will take this chance to rest my fingers n memory recalling for a while.. haha..

2008-12-29T10:05:00.000+08:00

finally something interesting to blog about.. ha.. this past wkend was one of the more eventful wkends i've had in months.. or mayb even years.. but i guess not evrything is worth blogging much about.. but since im here i decided to juz go ahead n do it, both regarding the more exciting ones and the less exciting ones as well..

i suppose i can start from fridae.. i still had to work on fridae.. however much i din feel like going after christmas, i had to still.. but i took half dae off at least.. n met wp for lunch n borrowed his death note comics.. ha.. i watched the anime b4 n read some of the manga prior to this but i wanted to check out the comic itself as well.. also to reiterate, since i believe i've said it b4, that im a Yagami Light supporter.. ha.. not that i approve of killing humans with absolutely no compassion at all and wif onli his own goals in mind, I dun disapprove of it much either.. ha.. I also agree that some pple ARE indeed better off dead than left alive.. its juz that nobody can do it that easily n that the person will haf to burden the accusation of being a murderer.. ha.. else I would probably haf taken out a number of pple alreadi.. no matter how horrid that may seem to b..

So after lunch, we decided to watch a movie.. or rather, HE decided to watch a movie.. haha.. since im not exactly a cinema person, I juz anythinged my way into watching Yes Man.. hah.. i guess the movie was Ok at least.. but its realli a total movie movie.. saying YES to anything and everything is the one thing that nobody in the world would b able to do or want to do.. i'd say the average person wun b able to do it, n the better off pple wun want to do it.. ha.. but i guess the message of the show IS the exact opposite after all.. ha.. its trying to tell pple to b positive.. but at the same time, u cant please evrybody.. so moderation is a muz.. but the most important thing is to not shut urself off towards the rest of the world.. but i guess theres a handful of movies in the past trying to give out the same message.. ha..

next up is the nite of fridae.. I was expecting a mahjong date wif 3 of my jc frens.. sam, ris and GL.. but i guess it wasnt realli the most exciting date thus far coz the build up to it wasnt exactly fantastic.. ha.. in fact, it felt more like a last minute thing rather than an appointment made earlier on.. but since sam said that we had alreadi agreed upon getting this done this wkend earlier, i guess i plainly forgot about it n that doesnt realli speak very well about how i was looking at this mahjong session.. not that i dun like to play of coz.. ha.. but it was simply juz overshadowed by the upcoming pri 6 class gathering/chalet the next dae..

anyway onto the mj session, i went over to sam's place first coz i din haf much to do at home anyway.. ha.. was trying to refrain from playing any games coz i needed to store up enuff battery for the mjs n the chalet.. so i went over at 8 plus or so to watch the spurs match wif him first.. hes a spurs fan after all.. n i wasnt exactly a fan of fulham.. so i was able to support the same side he was.. ha.. but it ended up a goaless draw n it wasnt the best result to get but i guess theres alot more worse ones.. we were expecting to start at 11 plus or so coz GL was onli able to arrive at that time.. so after the match we still had some time left to prep up.. n since we had things to do, it wasnt exactly a lull period prior to the game.. ha.. we had to borrow a mj table from ris coz apparently sams' table was missing.. ha.. so we went over to pick up the table n as expected.. was given a more than warm welcome from ris' dog goldie.. or jodie.. ha.. dun rmb.. anyway by the time we got back to sam's place wif the dog, urm.. i mean table, we were approximately 10 to 15 minutes away from the bell.. nothing much happened after until all arrived n we got the game going.. ha..

im not sure y i like to write down almost evry detail of the event but i guess its my style of writing, aka longwindedness.. ha.. oh wells..

we played til 3 plus onli n they decided to stop.. ha.. after one round of NSEW onli too.. i was expecting to play til the sun came up n so this was far earlier than expected.. but i din mind coz i needed to get as much rest as i cld coz i expected the chalet to b the main event of this wkend..
but i'd still want to comment that i was being very mean playing the mj as i totally stuck to the duty of being an ass n not allowing the person after me to get anything out of the tiles i discarded.. ha.. although i wasnt exactly successful n i ended up losing a dollar.. we were playing rather small.. ha.. but 2 players won n 2 players lost.. so im third out of the 4 n its not something i'd like to b.. ha.. the most stunning lost i made was when i discarded the east tile n 2 of them were alreadi out.. so i assumed it was the safest thing to do.. but i ended up letting GL win becoz he was waiting for that one last east tile n it was the last thing i'd haf expected him to nid.. ha..

so after returning the table i slept over at sam's place as i wasnt going to take anything other than a bus home n there wasnt any at 4am in the morning.. ha.. so i rested til 8 plus n set off to basketball action at the ayer rajah CC! haha..

Amazingly, i managed to get split in to a team which proceeded to win all the matches that day! haha.. it was the best day i've had playing bball there wif the rv guys.. im probably considered the lousiest player there since i've onli started playing wif them since a month or 2 ago n they've been playing for the past 3 or 4 years.. ha... so winning games realli felt good for me.. haha... went home at 12 plus although they continued to play.. partly coz i din want to go home too late, n partly coz i wanted to end the dae wif a win! haha..

i suppose i will b blogging about the chalet in another separate entry.. although after typing so much.. i feel like 80% of wat i've written is realli not important at all n shld haf been left out.. ha.. so i wonder how i shld go about blogging about the chalet.. but i guess i'l do the same la.. lazy to change my style ya.. haha...

2008-10-27T22:33:00.003+08:00

havent realli felt like blogging actually.. mayb coz the games i haf in possession at the moment is captivating enuff to take up most of my time...
firstly i big thank you to my dear understudy for finally allowing me the chance to play tales of destiny on my ps again.. ha.. after sooooo long.. i've wanted to get my hands on the game i've gotten it again at last..
so now i've got tod on ps to play, soccer on xbox 360, dota on pc, and etrian odyssey on ds.. but i've got sooooo little time to do so.. so blogging is realli the bottom of all priorities.. i've still yet to arrange my room of properly again.. have been leaving stuff here n there lately.. ha....
then of coz watching soccer is also one of the things i haf available to do.. unfortunately newcastle has yet to return to winning ways despite tottenham looking rather positive in finally playing their game... but i wonder wat wld make of portsmouth now.. ha.. too bad redknapp din wanna come newcastle.. otherwise we wld probably b around 10th now.. ha..
but i've actually had quite a few things to blog about in the 12 daes of my absence from this place.. n naturally, i dun rmb them now.. ha..
also another thing i probably nid to do is listen to songs eh.. although being in NS theres realli no motivation to learn them or juz noe the new songs by jay or some other nice ones.. but i guess i shld still keep up wif that area..

2008-10-08T19:17:00.002+08:00

Im currently waiting for responses from 3 fronts.. so pathetic.. hah.. whenever i wanna do something wif other human interaction i tend to end up waiting.. which probably partially summed up the anti social ness in the part of me during the 1100 to 1400 time period.. haha.. otherwise im usually pretty looking forward to meeting pple.. unless of coz.. i meet u everydae until sian alreadi.. haha.. or unless u r disturbing me either wif ur speech or ur presence..
im not a stranger to harsh language n coarse remarks.. but sometimes i tend to use them to such a great effect that i hurt pple without the intention to do so.. hah.. but of coz.. usually that happens when im starting to b a bit chatty n i let my psychological guard down n start jabbering rubbish.. ha...

2008-10-06T14:30:00.002+08:00

I went to Australia Melbourne last wednesdae and came back yesterdae evening.. it was my first time flying and also my first time leaving singapore without my family and also my first time leaving singapore in a long long time.. it can actually b considered my first time despite the seemingly vague memory of having travelled to somewhere further than the peninsula.
anyways i cant say much about it coz its work related and i simply do not want to talk about it much lest i accidentally thread on some stipulations that i do not noe of.. although that be true, i'd b relatively safe since the number of pple who visit this place is probably like 3 at most in a month? haha.. but i believe writing explosive things will attract pple from all over the place despite it being unadvertised or unknown for a long period of time..
but i guses i cld still mention that i met up wif the onli fren i noe of that is studying there at the moment.. went out wif xiao jia for about half a dae's time? and she took me around the city walking around n stuff.. saw a street performer and went to the crown casino to haf a look... after which we had dinner at a korean restaurant of sorts.
but i guess i realli enjoyed sitting by the river side and feeling time flow by.. i'd haf appreciated it more if i had the whole world's time to do that.. but i was onli going to b there for 5 daes n onli free for that half a dae anyway.. so i onli managed to feel the moment for about 10 minutes or so..
but another thing to mention wld probably b the plane ride since it was my first one after all... taking off from singapore was quite strange.. it was the first first plane takeoff for me and when it took off i felt this immense pressure on my head n mayb arms that was pushing me backwards.. probably its normal but i din feel that when we took off on our return trip from melbourne.. so i dunno... also landing at melbourne felt different from landing in changi.. landing there was almost like nothing.. i din feel a thing n we had landed alreadi... but in changi i felt a kind of free falling sensation before sinking into my seat again, strapped onli by the belt around my waist.. of coz i doubt i'd haf flown out of my seat without it but i totally din feel that on my first landing..
but i guess im realli not a very gd team person.. haha.. i mean i can follow instructions very tightly, but i wun b able to b flexible wif the rules that way.. i realised that im like an ogre.. or a troll.. but without the extraordinary strength.. i like to do things that require no thinking at all.. i guess it was quite frustrating for my ic that i was constantly going over to help pack the goody bags and not manning my station or shld i say making it up nicely.. although at that point of time there realli wasnt much to do anyway.. haha..
n den comes the open ended questions that i was given a chance to help the little lady journalist.. i realli wanted to help.. or at least i wasnt in the mood of rejecting to help at all but i simply dun haf the capability to do so.. it was juz that i din haf anything that cld possibly help out at all..
but i nv bothered reading pioneer magazine anyway... haha.. im sorry if she put in lotsa effort into her job.. but i was nv interested in news...
im probably a very lousy human being.. haha.. after all i've hated the human beings as a whole as if i myself wasnt one.. but i admit that im very biased towards girls who are pretty in my eyes.. so other than them n frens who've withstood the test of time, i think i realli prefer to b angry at evryone else.. lolx.. something like that i guess..

2008-09-26T21:50:00.001+08:00

I had been wondering how come they nv even show one single second of ME at the autograph session!!!! after all i SAW the damn camera in my face filming in MY direction.. so why did that short clip not include ME in it???
but then todae finally found another clip and I saw myself in it!! hahaha.. although i seriously dun like how i look.. lolx.. but oh wells.. at least theres proof so loudly that i was there.. wahaha.. I wld haf felt happier if i saw it 2 weeks ago.. but i guess its still ok now ba.. not that ecstatic anymore..
if we all had a starting amount of money.. mayb there'd realli b many many different ways of growing it.. but still.. growing a set amount of money is still easier than earning them out of nothing..

2008-09-13T17:45:00.002+08:00

昨天去了静茹的今天情人节签唱会。这是我第一次去这样的场合。在静茹还没来的时候，我就开始想了，我真的需要这么支持一个人吗？在我的心开始动摇的同时，我想以后可能就算了吧。虽然我超喜欢静茹的，但是我对于得到一个人的签名不感兴趣。那只是一个证明，表示我去这样做过。所以我就想以后大概就来看就好了。
后来静茹来了。每次见到她都回重新爱上她。不过当时我还没有改变之前的想法。听她唱着歌，在我融入在当时的气氛当中，我觉得自己实在是很不象平常的自己吧。
终于到我上前的时候。我站在静茹的面前，那么近的距离，我还可以跟她说话，让我顿时失去了思考的能力。我本来想说的话，完全在她抬头看我的那一霎那，全都消失了。一直到现在我还是很后悔。为什么当时没有牢牢地抓住那个机会和静茹多说几句。最令我懊恼失望的是我再买了一张专辑后，匆忙的跑回去想再一次见她，和她说话时，摔了一小步，还我顿时又没有时间准备，结果第二次还比第一次惨。根本就没有做出任何事来。我实在是太没用了。
不过我确认了一件事。当她抬头看我的那一秒，我决定了，以后都要来参加。无论如何，我的梦想即使不能实现，我还是要拼命的努力。总有一天，我一定要和静茹做朋友，让她知道我的存在。

2008-09-01T08:49:00.002+08:00

Its been quite some times since i blogged during the olympic period.. ha.. ever since the beijing olympics ended it seemed a bit quiet when i was at home... i nv realli looked forward to the olympics but it was actually an interesting event for 16 days.. i especially enjoyed the artistic gymnastics of coz.. mayb coz the china usa battle there was most prominent or mayb juz coz i wasnt interested in other sports.. ha..
anyway wif the olympics gone the premier league is back.. a few changes in personnel here n there but i realli tot robbie keane leaving spurs was a pretty sad thing.. i always saw him as a MR Tottenham.. ha.. but i guess he will b happy to play at the club he supported since he was a child..
so march on into the new season.. having 3 games won in a row, i figured that it was a gd time to put my money on liverpool..i pictured robbie keane n torres partnering up front n even if the 2 of them cldnt break thru, there was still a steven gerrard to pierce from long range.. or alonso from an even longer range.. ha.. but i wasnt counting on that.. ha..
so mainly it was the 3 that i was counting on.. but yet.. the start of the signs that told me that my money was going to b lost.. was that steven gerrard wasnt even playing in the match against aston villa.. i suppose i shld first do some information checkup before i place my dollars eh... but i tot.. well.. torres n keane shld prove to b lethal enough.. despite the goals not coming from keane as yet.. n that their previous matches were scraped thru victories.. so the gd stuff doesnt juz end at steven gerrard.. at the start of the game, i realised that the numbnuts of a manager put keane on the left.. not up front.. which meant that my favourite player in liverpool at the moment wun b given the chance to perform.. not to mention that their possession was being heavily supressed n they had onli measly 30 odd possession.. wats worst was torres leaving the pitch b4 half time.. mayb my 5 dollars jinxed liverpool badly.. but seriously i nv imagined the top 4 to play so badly.. it was like a joke..
so onto the 2nd half.. great they put keane up front.. he din haf much to play.. but of coz set up a few n had a chance himself which all din come together.. but try again n again.. like how chelsea arsenal or man u wld always b doing.. but no.. liverpool was playing for a draw.. it became too obvious when keane was subbed out for benayoun.. i noe benayoun had scored a couple of goals last season n a hattrick in another competition.. but seriously.. he wasnt going to rescue the dae.. not when u take out the person who was realli the main man creating anything on the offensive.. if he had put in benayoun for someone else i wld haf continued to watch.. but when keane got taken out.. i simply switched off the tv n went to slp.. it was a boring match anyway.. this 0-0 match isnt like the bolton west brom 0-0 match.. it was entirely BORING..
to think a top 4 team played boring football.. no wonder they nv come close to winning the league. there was a tackle on keane which may haf been a penalty but i dun believe they cldnt create anything from free play.. i noe there r bad days where even the best team fail to score.. but simply put.. they were not performing at all.. at least when others fail to score, they create a dozen chances n juz cant finish it off.. although the results are the same, i seriously feel very disappointed wif liverpool.. i think liverpool will onli win games when they become 5th.. since they r very much contented wif being 4th evry season..
i chose 2 games to bet on this wkend.. but i decided to juz buy one ticket for liverpool coz it was "safer" in my opinion.. but i t turned out that it was the dumbest choice ever.. the other game i got it correct n wld haf gotten me 4.5x winning rate.. but i onli took it in my virtual account.. so my virtual account is buffed up when my real account is in negativity.. great..
mayb i shld look at arsenal.. at least they play offensive football.. after all.. they r the gunners.. not a pool of liver..

2008-08-18T08:44:00.002+08:00

每次听静茹的歌，都会想象如果静茹是在我面前跟我一对一的对唱，那会是多么美妙的感受。有一些歌，我会想听我心爱的女人对我唱。但有些歌还是会只想听静茹唱。静茹真是太棒了。

2008-08-18T08:29:00.002+08:00

i seem to b missing some things... firstly, i dun seem to understand y evryone is soooo excited about michael phelps winning the 8 gold medals n breaking the many records... i mean.. sure hes fast.. thats an indisputable fact.. but impressive? i'd say on a scale of 1 to 10, the most i'd give is a 8 point on the impressive scale.. not to mention that i'l probably juz give 6.5.. ha.. but everyone seem to feel that its a 10 out of 10 impressive feat.. sure no one has done it b4.. hes probably the onli person who has ever done it or will ever do it in future as well.. but strangely, or watever it may b, i seriously dun think hes all that impressive... mayb coz i dun like swimming or dun understand it much.. mayb im juz standing from a biased point of view.. i dunno..
Anyway, it seems like my favourite gymnast is quite the popular lady in the team and that makes me feel that supporting her aint that fun anymore.. ha.. shes realli cute of coz but at least half of the whole gymnast competitors are.. ha... so i guess i'l onli b watching her for this olympics... but the floor competition was realli such a bummer.. she got 4th lo... shld haf gotten above shawn johnson noe la damnit! haha.. ok la.. or at least nastia shldnt haf gotten over yuyuan.. zzz.. shawn johnson's quite nice to watch too.. n nastia liukin is realli great wif her height.. hah.. but i support yuyuan first, den shawn johnson.. den mayb nastia liukin.. ha.. although the gold medalist for floor, the romanian izbasa also has great height n a pretty face.. so based on biased ness on my part, i'd support izbasa first n liukin 2nd.. haha..
the premier league has started again.. time to study the investment possibilities.. haha.

2008-08-17T21:26:00.001+08:00

boooooooooooooooooooo! 江钰源没能拿到任何的奖牌。

2008-08-16T12:59:00.002+08:00

oh and heres my favourite gymnast in the beijing 08.. a pity she din win in the individuals but shes still my favourite.. ha..

2008-08-15T08:26:00.002+08:00

heres a sweet sweet picture of my lady.. haha..
its probably quite a not so up to date picture since its from chong bai which until now is probably a little less than a year or so..

2008-08-14T20:21:00.003+08:00

i wonder if evryone watches shows so seriously.. ha.. i've been watching channel 8's 7pm show 心花朵朵开 n i muz say that its quite interesting as of late.. ha.. of coz after 50 odd episodes and having the last episode of the first part being tmr, it muz haf some intriguing aspects so as to capture the audience for so long eh.. but i realli feel for the pple in the show.. ha..
or namingly, firstly, 余文浩. i seriously feel that hes uncle dongcheng is an ass lo.. although of coz udc has hes reasons to hate this 'son' of his la.. i mean i dunno the whole story clearly coz i nv watched the starting.. but in my understanding, wenhao's mom had him b4 she married udc.. mayb they were already an item but juz not married yet.. so her having an affair then wld of coz bring anger to udc.. after all, being a cuckold is a man's greatest fear.. ha.. or so i feel.. but he seriously treats wenhao like a guard dog as he himself described earlier todae.. i mean if u realli hate him that much den dun keep him around la.. ok he sent him off b4.. but hes bringing wenhao back when he fell ill is realli the killer move that makes him the bad guy overall.. of coz wenhao has done bad things b4 so that causes udc to b on guard against him from then.. mayb if wenhao had kept to himself then the 'hatred' wld haf dissolved.. but im a wenhao supporter.. ha.. so i will think badly of udc.. i feel that wenhao leaving todae was realli the onli way out... after all his plans were foiled by a foolish pawn that he chose.. but wenhao, being down on his luck, meets failure elsewhere as his mom gets involved wif lugua who attempts to deal wif wenhao later on n den gets the girl instead.. suddenly cannot rmb her name.. lolx.. anyway he met failure in bringing lugua down for blackmailing his mom.. if his mom had any form of brain in her head or support for his son, the afterward event of assault on wenhao may or may not b averted..
den b4 the show ended, they showed abit of bobo being ill treated by the sister of kaiwang.. i think the show very successfully crafted the character of 'shrimp', or sammi.. she realli is the ultimate badegg in that part of the family.. so when kaiwang eventually slapped her after she slapped bobo, that slap was so well done wif such force n wif such fulfilling pleasure that i cldnt help myself but to feel a sense of satisfaction.. hahah.. indeed she is the cause of kaiwang's wife running away.. despite it being the fact that bobo is around in the first place, but her personality is realli exasperating.. ha..
so currently my 2 favourite characters from that show are wenhao n bobo! haha..

other then talking about the show, i feel like i've overlooked this song from 静茹. its the one i've put up here.. 给从前的爱. its actually very nice.. ha.. anyway finding another song to note from 静茹 realli makes me love her a whole lot again.. ha.. of coz besides this song theres oso 夜夜夜夜 as well so 2 songs make me go insane about her.. haha.. btw if u cant find the song i put up here.. its at the btm btm btm of the page.. ha..
8 more months to go....

2008-08-10T21:58:00.002+08:00

Caught a little bit of Hitch that was showing on 5 juz now.. got a pretty gd quote off it too.. haha.. "this is why falling in love is so god damn hard!" "Its because of jerks like him that I even have a job... Had a job.."
hah.. not forgeting the laughter effect at the end.. or possibly thats juz to symbolize that he was done in by the lady.. i juz tot its funny.. ha.. I remember watching Hitch at the cinemas that time too.. although i dun rmb who i went with.. ha..
Olympics is quite fun to watch sometimes.. ha.. but watching it means sacrificing time for other things.. y dun we haf holidaes for us to watch the olympics.. haix.. so productive all the time dunno for wat.. ha...

2008-08-06T21:10:00.002+08:00

hmmm.. strange.. i always tot i cldnt write any chinese stuff here coz it wld come out mangled n messed up.. but i juz tried n it actually worked.. i guess impressions last longer than the actual effect itself? hah..
juz went to find 梁静茹's 夜夜夜夜 to listen.. coz juz saw it on tv n i realised that she actually sings that song quite often enough.. haha.. oh wells.. im quite fond of lyrics like that so i guess i can stick that song into my head for awhile.. ha..
National Day is juz around the corner.. so i was talking about how my msn nick was rather poking fun at the recollections response.. n then realised that my officer doesnt noe wtf is recollections n the responses.. ha.. so i assumed too earli that everyone shld noe that.. or at least pple who went thru the 'basic' education system.. oh wells.. i dun realli remember if i did that response thing in jc though... but i tot it was quite funny after doing it for like 2 years? so i din realli care about the contents.. so due to the fact that my officer din noe about it, i tried to find someone who had it online.. it was quite hard to find the whole contents though.. harder than i expected at least.. but still managed to find it.. so i read thru the whole recollections thing n realised that the whole thing is actually quite well written.. onli flaw was probably that they let us do it evry year.. it became much of a joke.. for me at least..
I've been playing lost odyssey for quite a while now.. n i guess i can fill up the blog wif even more stories from the thousand years of dreams but i guess i'l juz do wif some quotes first..
basically Kaim says most of it that i feel is worth noting.. ha.. coz he talks about memories.. he says "when a person dies.. they juz.. go away... If theres anywhere they can go, its in ur memories..."
"I haf no use for my memories.." " All that my memories hold are pain and sadness..."

I guess i cant realli call them quotes coz i dun think thats the exact words used.. ha.. oh wells.. onli the first one makes real sense anyway.. ha...

2008-07-28T20:26:00.002+08:00

i've been watching consequtive episodes of the channel 8 7pm serial.. mainly coz the 'erbo' character attracts me very much.. ha.. i'd haf said to anyone n evryone that kaiwang shld juz leave seaweed n take erbo anytime of my life but particularly except now.. ha.. where im currently thinking about how I myself cld b faithful to one person if i loved her thru many years.. so as much as i like erbo.. i wun b able to accept her.. cruelly, this is onli due to the time factor.. that i wld haf met seaweed first.. n cruelly, this is the fate that wld possibly b dealt to erbo in the show.. as much as she shld get the love of the man whom she loves, the fates of the one who came late in this monogamy society is usually put in a more disadvantageous position..
i've always been weary about the fact that going into NS attached, for a guy that is.. wld more often then not result in the girl changing heart.. so i guess instead of trying to not get into that position by making myself into the position of the person who takes the girl's heart away, i shld juz stand in my given space n stare out into the colours of the world.. waiting.. wilting.. withering away into dust..
if onli humans cld wither like flowers.. mayb the world wld b a better place...

2008-07-27T22:08:00.002+08:00

juz to add a few more stuffs.. the keyword is "platonic".. ha.. but sometimes platonic doesn't realli work out.. not that it doesn't work out between the pple directly involved but more so of how other pple around wld say n eventually cause unwanted attention or misunderstanding..
anyway a few classical sentences... "eating 'delicious cockroaches' in africa", "anyone living in singapore wld put a tick under the 'near home' box", and a few more that i dun realli recall at the moment.. haha..
anyway i think i enjoyed the shower the most.. ha.. quite nice water temp n room temp combi i think..

2008-07-27T18:51:00.003+08:00

Im a blabbermouth.. mayb i speak things that shldnt b spoken without noeing it alreadi.. ha.. oh wells.. I shall mark todae as the start of my long long wait.. or at least another long long wait.. ha..
anyways had a taste of yoga lesson todae.. it was OTOT at FY.. kinda shitty how we got dragged down though.. me n wp.. but at least all ends on a slightly well note as of now.. hope nothing else crops up.. the lesson itself was ok i guess.. but i dun suppose i'l ever want to try another one.. im not a stretchy person.. ha.. i prefer a series of non stop actions.. ha.. not draggy ones..
Growing up is tough.. or at least before we find out how things haf changed from b4 we grew up to after we grew up.. the boundaries change so silently that it cld go unnoticed if nothing cropped up..
I say i'l wait.. i wonder how long will i wait.. i say its worth waiting for.. but will i get wat im waiting for in time? nothings for certain but i chose this path.. so i guess onli time will tell.. my onli concern is how much time.. ha...

2008-07-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on!

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

2008-07-19T23:12:00.002+08:00

i'd like to thank peng boon for allowing me the experience i've always wanted to try.. ha..

anyway i've been playing lost odyssey on the 360 for quite some time alreadi.. n i've always wanted to post some of the dreams of kaim's thousand years on the blog.. but i was wondering if that was infringing in any laws or regulations.. but i guess it shldnt b a problem seeing as how quite a number of blogs post it on their own anyway.. ha...
anyway i wonder y most pple post hanna's departure.. ha.. mayb juz coz its amongst the first dreams they view?
personally i like the one called "The Upstreamers".. everyone has a hidden desire for endless travel.. i wonder if mine will ever evoke itself.. so anyways heres the entire dream..

The Upstreamers

Strong winds have always blown across this vast grassy plain.

Perhaps he area's topography has something to do with it, but the direction of the wind remains constant, irrespective of the time or season:

From east to west, from the horizon where the sun rises to the horizon where the sun sets. Swept by the unceasing winds, the misshapen trunks and branches of shrubs all incline to the west. Tall grasses do not grow here, and the grasses that do grow all lie flat on the ground, bending westward.

Caravans and herding folk traverse the single road that crosses the plain. They do not “come and go,” they only go, moving from east to west, using the wind at their backs to gain distance. Travellers heading west to east always use the circuitous route that snakes around the southern mountains. It is much farther that way, but much faster than crossing the plain head-on into the wind. The road across the plain is called the Wind Stream. Just as the flow of a great river never changes direction, the foot steps of those who use the road have not changed direction since the distant past, nor are they likely to change far into the future: from east to west.

Human shapes that appear from the horizon where the sun rises disappear over the horizon where the sun sets.

They never pass oncoming travellers—with only the rarest exceptions. The first time she passed Kaim on the Wind Stream, the girls was just an infant.

“So, my grandmother was alive then?”

In response to the girl's untroubled question, Kaim smiles and answers,

“She was. And I remember what a nice old lady she was, too.”

Looking back down the road, the girl points toward the line of hills fading off into the distance.

“My grandmother crossed seven hills on her journey.” “Is seven a lot?”

“Uh-huh. Grandma lived a long time. Most people end their journeys after five hills. The people the leave behind build a little grave where they ended their journey, and then they keep travelling...”

The girl points down at the ground where she is standing.

“This is as far as I've come,” she says with a proud, happy smile.

The religion of the girl and her family professes a pious believe that if they devote their lives to walking eastward, against the flow of the Wind Stream, they will arrive at the easternmost source of the Stream itself. People call believers in that religion, “The Upstreamers.”

The word carries a hint of fear and sadness, but also a trace of contempt and scorn.

The upstreamers are devoid of worldly desires. They live their lives for no greater purpose than travelling eastward on foot. They are free of doubt. They give birth to children en route, and they continue their journey while raising their children. When they age and their strength gives out, their journey ends. But their family's journey continues.

From child to grandchild to great-grandchild, their belief is carried on. The journey of this girl's family was begun by her late grandmother, who began walking from the Wind Stream's western verge with her son, who was then the age the girl is now.

The Upstreamers do not walk for the entire year, of course. During the season when the winds are especially strong—from the late autumn to to early spring—they take up residence in various post towns scattered along the road and earn day wages by performing tasks that the townsfolk themselves refuse to do. Some Upstreamers choose to stay in the towns, while others, conversely, take townspeople with them when they return to the road in the spring.

These are people who have fallen in love during the long winter,

Or boys who dream of travel,

or grown-ups who have tired of town life. Such are the reasons the townsfolk look upon the Upstreamers with complicated gazes.

The little girl's mother was one of those who joined the journey mid-way, and he girl herself, some years from now, might fall in love with someone in a post town somewhere. She might choose to live in the town, or she could just as well invite her lover to join her on the road.

She has no idea at this point what lies in store for her. The girl's father calls out to her: “Time to go!”

Their brief rest is over.

She seems sorry to leave and stands up reluctantly. “Too bad,” she says. “I wish I could have talked to you more. But we have to get to the next town by the time the snows start.”

Constantly exposed to upwinds, her cheeks are red and cracked, her lips chapped, but her smile is wonderful a she wishes Kaim a safe journey.

It is the serene smile of one who believes completely in the purpose of her life, without the slightest doubt. “Will I see you again somewhere?” she asks.

“Probably.”

Kaim answers, smiling back at her, but he can never match that smile of hers. He is now in the midst of a journey that will take him beyond the western end of the Wind Stream. He heads to the battlefield as a mercenary, and by the time the western battle is over, a new battle will have begun in the east.

It will be a lon, cruel journey, with nothing to believe in. When he meets he girl again along he way, Kaim's smile will have taken on even more shadows than it has now. Perhaps as a parting gift for him, the girl sings a few short lines for him:

This wind, where does it blow from?

Where does it start its journey here?

Does it come from where life begins?

Or does it begin where life ends?

“Goodbye, then,” the girl says, trudging on, one labored step at a time, hair streaming in the headwind.

Ten long years have flowed by when Kaim next meets the girl.

It is spring, when the grassland is dotted with lovely white flowers.

She has become the wife of a young man who does tailoring and shoe repair in one of the post towns.

“This is my third spring here,” she says, patting her swollen belly fondly.

In a few days, she will give birth to a child. She will become a mother.

“And your parents...?” Kaim asks.

She shrugs and glances eastward.

“They are continuing their journey. I'm the only one who stayed on here.” Kaim does not ask why she has done this.

Continuing he journey is one way to live, and staying in a town is another.

Neither can be judged to be more correct than the other. The only answer for the girl can be seen in her smiling face. “But never mind about me,” she says looking at him suspiciously.

“You haven't changed one little bit from the time we met so long ago.”

For the thousand-year-old Kaim, ten years is nothing but a change in season.

“Some lives are like that,” he says, straining to smile.

“Some people in this world can never grow old, no matter how long they live.”

He looks at the girl, now grown into a woman, and wonders again, Living through endless ages of time: is it a blessing, or a curse? Kaim's remark hardly counts as an explanation, but the girl nods with a look of apparent understanding.

“If that's the case,” she says, “You should be the one who goes to the place where the wind begins. You'd be the perfect Upstreamer.”

She could be right: after all, the lifespan given to humans is far too short for anyone to travel against the Wind Stream as far as the starting point of the wind. Still, Kaim responds with a few slow shakes of shis head.

“I'm not qualified to make the journey.”

“No? Anybody can be an Upstreamer. Anybody, that is, who wants to see where the wind starts with his or her own eyes.”

Having said this, however, the girl adds with a touch of sadness, “No one has actually seen it, though, I guess.” The place where the wind begins: that place is nowhere at all. Even if, after a long journey, one were to arrive at the eastern end of the Wind Stream, the wind would be blowing there, too. And not just an east wind. West wind, north wind, south wind: winds without limit, without end.

Human beings, who cannot live forever, daring to take a journey without end. This might be the ultimate tragedy, but it could just as well be the ultimate comedy. Kaim knows one thing, however: one cannot simply dismiss it as an exercise in futility. “How about you?” he asks the girl. “Aren't you going to continue your journey soon?”

She thinks about this for the space of a breath, and caressing her swollen belly, she ****s her head and says, “I wonder... I might want to go on living the way I am now forever. Or then again, I might feel that desire to reach the starting point of the wind.” All the Upstreamers without exception say that you can never know what might trigger a return to the journey. One day, without warning, you slough off the entire town life and start walking.

It is not always a matter of running into an Upstreamer and being lored back to the road: plenty of people set out on their own all of a sudden.

The teachings of the Upstreamers say that all human beings harbor a desire for endless travel. They probably are not aware of the desire because it is stashed away so far down in the breast that it is deeper than memory.

The instant something brings it to the surface, a person becomes and Upstreamer. “Even if you have the desire,” the girl says to Kaim.

“I wonder...”

“It's true,” she says. “No question.”

The look in her eyes is as straight-on and free of doubt as it was the last time he met her.

Fixing him with that look, she points to her own chest.

“I haven't completely lost it myself.”

“But I'm sure you'rehappy with your present life?”

“Of course I am.”

“Do you really think the day will come when you will want to set out on the journey even if it means giving up that happiness?”

Instead of answering, she gives him a gentle smile. Many years flow by, but every now and then, something reminds Kaim of the girl's words—that everyone harbors a desire for endless travel.

For Kaim, living itself is a journey without end.

In the course of his journey, he has witnessed countless deaths, and he has also witnessed countless births. Human life is all too short, too weak, and fleeting.

Yet, the more he dwells upon its evanescence, the more he feels, inexplicably, that words such as “eternal,” and “perpetual” apply more properly to live, finite as it is, than to anything else. Traveling down the Wind Stream for the first time in many years, Kaim spies the funeral of an Upstreamer.

A boy in mourning dress stands by the road holding out wildflowers to passing travelers, and urging them to “offer up a flower to a noble soul who has made the long journey this far.”

Kaim takes a flower and asks the boy, “Is it a member of your flamily?”

“Uh-huh. My grandma.”

The boy nods, his face the image of one Kaim knew so long ago.

The old woman lying in the coffin must be the girl. Kaim is sure of it.

“Grandma traveled a long, long time. She brought my daddy with her when he was just a little boy. See that hill over there? She started walking from way, way beyond it, and she got all the way here.”

So, the girl must've set out on her journey after all.

Turning her back on he town life, leading her child by the hand, she trod her way along the endless journey.

Her wish to aim for the place where the wind begins would be passed on to her child, her grandchild, and on through the succeeding generations.

To head for a land one could never hope to reach, and to do so generation after generation: this is another endless journey. Is it a tragedy?

A comedy?

Perhaps the serene smile on the face of the old woman in the coffin is the answer.

Kaim lays he flower at her feet as an offering.

The family members who have travelled with her join together in a song for the departed:

This wind, where does it blow from?

Where does it start its journey here?

Does it come from where life begins?

Or does it begin where life ends?

The wind blows.

It sweeps the vast grassland.

Kaim takes one long, slow step toward his destination.

“Have a good trip!” calls the boy.

Red and cracked as the girl's were so long ago, his cheeks soften in a smile as he waves to the departing traveller.

End

2008-07-16T21:56:00.003+08:00

You are resilient in the face of difficulties, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested. You've had some tough experiences in your life, but you are wise and mature from them. Having had to grow up ahead of your times, you tend not to heed the advice of others. You tend to be a loner sometimes and think that you cannot depend on anyone else but yourself.

Greatest Strength
Well developed stability and confidence

Greatest Weakness
Suspicion of others

this was something an application on facebook said i was.. i feel it sounds a little like Cao Cao

2008-07-13T13:09:00.003+08:00

heres to posting in july.. hah.. blogging has become quite a chore not realli coz of the time i cld haf spent elsewhere which i wld spend thinking about wat to post n the time spent on typing it in itself.. but realli i dun seem to haf anything worth recording down for reference.. i started out partly coz i noe that i forget alot of stuff if i dun write them down n if i do write them down.. reading them in about a few months or even a few years cld b interesting.. but i've since lost that thinking formula n there's essentially nothing much that i wld enjoy reading about to refresh my memories than to keep those memories purely by rmbing them in my heart or mind.. depending on where memories are supposed to go anyways.. ha..
i haf a growing feeling that a life can realli b split into 2 different categories.. when a person has a partner to live wif, n when a person doesnt haf... of coz when i say a partner to live wif.. i'd oso mean those who has lost their partners to tragedy or to disasters.. these partners live in their hearts of coz.. but i'd say their lives wld b more similar still to those without than to those wif..
i've always wanted to b a part of those wif a partner to live wif.. but i've always nv had one.. n den slowly as i grew up, i witnessed the problems that that life cld bring to how i've been living all these years.. n i started to think twice about whether i'd realli want that sort of life.. but i've oso wondered if i started to reject that idea becoz of the problems that i learnt about or juz coz i cldnt succeed in attaining it.. the sour grapes theory always plays a part.. b it significantly or invisibly..
mayb the number of different pple i've met so far is too little for me to come to an understanding of how diverse humans can realli b.. mayb i've nv realli seen how the pple i noe realli think or realli behave when they are themselves.. but all i noe is.. i seem to b changing into a rather bitter person.. ha..
all in all.. i suppose that i shld keep those that i feel i've seen thru them as realli great frens close to me n nv let them leave my side.. although its rather hard to do so.. i've not the qualities to attract that many kinds of pple towards giving or sharing a part of their lives wif.. ha.. mayb its hard to change a person when they've fully grown or when they've become aware of themselves.. mayb its juz that i refuse to change.. refuse to yield to the environment that i've been put into.. mayb i can onli wait for the final lesson to b dealt unto me b4 i can finally move on..
i wonder y did i start talking about those things.. ha.. i've done this post wif watever came to my mind straight n din do much thinking into it.. so does that mean this is wat i'm realli thinking? or does it mean that this is juz some form of bullshit that i've conjured up yet again.. ha..
10 more months of time..

2008-06-18T21:09:00.002+08:00

todae my fellow teammate has finally ORDed.. or should i say ROD.. but I still haf fugging 312 days more.. although that includes wkends n all.. but its still a rather long way... I miss my life.. i dunno y is it a crime to b a singaporean man such that evryone one of us nids to serve 2 years of time.. although the punishment has been cut down to such n it was longer in the older days.. i think in the older days.. not as many pple wld think of it as a punishment...
I've got a violent streak and a rather short n bad temper.. so its probably tough for pple to get along wif me.. hah..
Its not like i've always or onli been a pessimist.. i mean i do think positively at times.. but i tend to think to extreme ends.. extremely good endings or extremely bad endings.. such is probably the reason y im a pessimist for the most part... when i think positively, i'd tend to think of evry good thing that can happen.. n i doubt that cld really happen at all.. unless its a staged thing or purposed arrangedment made by others.. n then i'd feel unhappy coz things din turn out the way i wld haf tot they wld.. n den when i think about extreme bad ends, they most probably dun realli happen anyway.. or they may not b as bad as i tot.. n when this happens, i'd of coz feel relieved that things din turn out as bad as i tot.. n so i guess naturally i'd get stuck to being a negative thinker..
I guess i'l nv be happy..
i guess i'm used to sadness..

2008-06-05T21:58:00.002+08:00

There has been so many things for me to spend my time on that i've had absolutely no time for blogging.. or at least the reasons for blogging has caused it to take up a low priority in my list of things to do.. ha..
anyway i've learnt to think of wat things r said or written or transmitted from one person to another solely for the purpose of advertising.. to let other pple noe wat u think is not good. to let other pple noe that u dun like something.. its so deliberate that i feel that many things haf become unnecessary to speak.. i dun want pple to think that i say things becoz i want pple to noe that i feel that way..
but yet i still want to express myself.. i feel that frustration can build up from the most small matters into something explosive.. of coz.. i still haf the ability to take things in my stride in a sense.. to see through evrything as a illusion of life.. nothing much is there a nid to worry too much about.. or to haf an overly exagerrated sense of care towards anything or anyone.. even so.. i still want to say that i HATE THE ARMY.... its not about any one thing.. its not about my vocation, not realli about my pay, not about the time spent (wasted), not about any one thing..
i believe that the answer is rather illogical.. due to the fact that i cant realli pinpoint when did i start hating the army.. nor can i pinpoint wat is the cause of the immense feeling that i haf..
but i prod over the fact that i believe it is due to the tanglement of all the possible reasons for my dislike..
most pple say that u can learn useful things in NS.. i cant disagree wif that.. even if u dun learn anything along the way.. u'd still b able to make use of some time that u'd haf which u wldnt haf elsewhere.. to get to learn something.. but i disagree that looking from a point of view that when u r able to learn things.. when u get to obtain these new skills or technique or thinking skills watsoever.. it can justify ur time in NS.. it can make NS less boring (torturous).. I deliberately disagree wif it.. I prefer to not take anything out of the time i haf in NS.. I prefer to mount all bad things n lump them on the term National Service.. I prefer to link evrything that i dislike wif NS.. So that when I leave.. I can still safely say that i HATED it.. so that I can tell evryone in my life that if i cld n i had a choice between having my story of life written in this country or in another.. i'd not choose Singapore wif about 40% reason becoz of NS. i may b juz behaving as a weakling but i realli dun want to elaborate anymore..
[ on a side note.. the 'other country' that i compared is definitely one that is partially on par wif singapore or something close.. i dun consider war zones as something close tho..]

2008-05-19T23:42:00.000+08:00

hmm.. it seems like when it comes to the time around May.. i'l tend to stop blogging for awhile.. haha.. although this is the month which i started this blog in.. but i noe my first year anniversary passed by without my entries.. hah.. im not checking the actual date but i think its probably passed again this year.. ha..
i've had countless times wif which i think i cld haf blogged about since a month ago or so.. ha.. things about my tots, things about pple around me.. things about pple not around me.. ha.. but i nv did once come to blog.. there was simply not enuff motivational energy to push myself thru the repeling force of putting time to blog coz i believe that blogging is after all, juz a part or another form of recreation.. at least for me it is.. n when it comes to having fun or relaxing, i haf many other forms of it that i'd choose over blogging.. the time allocated for it is simply too easily taken over by another event..

2008-04-28T10:03:00.003+08:00

i din realli go n count the no. of hours i played on ace combat that resulted in me having a dizzy spell after stopping yesterdae.. i onli realised that i had actually played for at least 3 n a half hours straight this morning.. ha.. but i still feel a little dizzy even now.. lolx..
anyway a fren of mine who also has a blog writes alot about how he feels without any form of holding back or restriction.. or mayb hes juz a person wif so much emotion that the things he writes, although alreadi holding back alot, is still filled wif alot of feeling.. ha.. for me, i cant seem to blog that way.. i feel that im restricted by alot of things... mayb its coz he doesnt care.. mayb its coz he feels that few pple bother reading his blog anyway.. or mayb he juz wants to vent out his frustrations or express his feelings somewhere..
i cant seem to do that.. mayb coz i dun like to express myself to that much of an extent.. mayb i prefer to hide myself behind a one way see thru wall such that i can see pple who pass by but pple cant c me.. or mayb i feel that MANY pple read my blog n i nid to hold back my horses.. hah.. but either way i suppose i juz dun do such extravagant entries.. i juz dun haf the luxury..
anyway i guess i dunno how to take care of a girl on the streets.. n i mean how to 'take care of a girl' on the streets and not how to take care of 'a girl on the streets'.. n i dun mean anything strange by grouping the words together..

2008-04-27T23:23:00.003+08:00

chelsea beat man u wif a penalty.. WTF LA! although i support newcastle n not man u as a main team, i still hope man u wins this premier league.. since obviously newcastle wun b winning it this season.. haha.. although its still a possibility for man u to win this season, i wld haf prefered it to be a sealed fate instead of the nid for winning the next 2 matches.. newcastle faces chelsea next.. hope they dun cock up badly..
anyway havent been blogging for a while.. probably coz too lazy.. haha.. but anyway my bro juz got us an XBOX 360.. WHOOHOOO.. haha.. its a 2nd hand one n came wif 5 games.. one of which is ace combat.. which i quite like to play.. haha.. anyway it came on thursdae nite.. n i juz completed the campaign tonite.. hah.. now my heads kinda spinning from all the flying.. ha..
in this modern society or in this era, theres probably many invisible rules n regulations that everyone shld observe.. but for me, i probably dun even noe half of these rules.. n even if i knew about them, its still rather hard for me to comply by them.. or to implement them into my behavioral system.. so its rather hard for me to accept it.. thus comes the msn line of me being innocent.. LOLX.. ha..
Games r usually the easiest things to make my flare up.. i lose my temper 90% of the time playing games.. but i still enjoy playing games n i still play alot of games that wld make me swear n curse at the screen.. lolx..
1 more blasted year to go.. i nid liberation..

2008-04-15T08:13:00.002+08:00

ok i heard that u cant use death note to ask someone to kill another person directly b4 he dies. but theres still other methods to use la.. since u'd b able to control the entire human race given the names, theres a million ways to use this few billion pple to kill one individual.. haha. even if hes name is hidden..
chelsea drew wif wigan.. how high is that? haha..

2008-04-14T20:27:00.002+08:00

while watching death note the anime on scv a while ago.. was pondering on how clever both L n Light are n how Light, as Kira, shld haf his priorities set clearer.. meaning he shld want to eliminate the big threat that is L.. but he din haf his name n so he needed to find out in order to kill him..
i may not b as smart as the both of them are.. but i had a tot on how to use the death note to achieve this end of his goal.. as long as he knew the name of any one of those who were on the team wif L.. he cld simply juz write that guy's name in the death note, condition being that he brings a gun to the hotel room, kills evryone in that room, or simply kills a youngster KNOWN as L, if that works.. ha.. b4 falling out of the hotel window n die.. if he had juz done such a simply step.. he wld haf been able to eliminate this big obstacle without ever knowing his name.. haha..
n if he wanted to protect his father, he cld haf juz brought his father to 'see' something he found or simply juz do it when his father was wif him.. it was rather simple.. after all, the powers of the death note can b said to b infinite.. if it cld manipulate a dying person's last actions..

2008-04-14T07:54:00.002+08:00

i like the style of shirt on a tshirt.. haha.. juz feels that it looks nice.. n its rather ez to blend different sets of primary colours together.. which is partly y i like to wear my old school uniform.. hah.. although i cld juz go n get another one that looks the same n has probably even better lines out there la.. but since i haf this so i mite as well make use of it lo.. ha..
when i say i stop liking a girl, its usually coz i dun wanna b an ass n cling on one sided things.. not becoz shes lost her attraction on me or anything like that.. hah..

2008-04-13T17:27:00.002+08:00

Wld it b an insult for one whos married to remain a virgin? or wld it b a compliment for one whos married to remain a virgin... hmm.. not that its important.. haha.. but juz a tot.. following that was the tot about why the shows about ancient china, all the Wu Xia Pian.. or stories of them as well.. i doubt that there was even the slightest bit of Science knowledge then.. so how did anyone noe that for a woman to get pregnant, onli 1 sperm can fertilise 1 egg.. well correct me if im wrong coz i din study bio after all.. hah.. but why did they not think that if 1 woman shared her bed wif 2 men simultaneously.. ( unthinkable n incorrigible as well.. ha.. but) she wld b able to conceive a child that has genes from both the 2 men.. meaning the child is indeed fathered by the 2 together wif the mother.. i mean it cld b easily mistaken given the fact that the onli test method for father n child is the blood dropping technique.. of which there is actually a high chance the blood wld fuse.. so why did they not think in this way? probably the male ego which wld b quite big then.. wld haf disallowed this kinda thing to even appear eh.. but thinking how the pple then were, there wld definitely haf had pple who'd try this if there were rumours like children developed in this manner cld attain super powers.. haha.. oh wells..
pple always say that they regret onli after losing something n not cherishing it b4 they lost it.. i think this is a rather unavoidable predicament for pple to b in.. well.. i suppose its not realli a predicament.. haha.. but it realli has to b the case most of the time.. becoz if we din noe wat we were supposed to cherish in the first place, how do we go about cherishing evrytime lest we lose it? not evrything is as obvious as certain things i guess..

2008-04-12T21:12:00.002+08:00

i do believe that without evil, there is no good as well..
oh n one thing that tyris' blog reminded me of edith that edith's blog itself did not.. it was edith's favourite line.. "Get A Life La!"
tot that was rather interesting.. haha..

2008-04-11T22:18:00.002+08:00

ok i had quite abit of things to blog about after reading thru edith's, tyris' 05-06 chronicles.. hah.. although i haven finish both la.. especially tyris' im still at 05.. but then i dun realli feel like blogging now.. haha... it seems like i cant think to think.. as in i cant realli control it... it comes naturally when it comes.. ha.. its like inspiration.. my whole tot process is based on inspiration n thats quite bad when theres nil at all..
basically i realised that reminiscing about the past or in this case about jc life isnt evryone's cup of tea.. mainly coz they dun feel it was as much fun or as much to their liking as i'd feel it was.. oso they may haf had other experiences that they'd gladly talk more about.. but for me it seems that currently i hold jc life memories as the most fresh n as such the most interesting...
but it seems that i missed my pri sch in sec 3 although i din in sec 1 n 2.. got over it in sec 4.. then in jc2 half way i was missing sec school.. but after that oso saw it through.. j1 was ok i guess.. it juz sorta shifts as time goes by..
anyway wif making references to the 2's blogs, i muz say that edith's one has more me in it.. haha.. mainly due to the fact that we were in one pw grp la.. n mainly coz edith seems to write more directly n stuff.. n i distinctly feel the difference in writing style.. although i currently haf no way to pinpoint it down.. another case of no inspiration.. hah.. n den i came across the 'love is a fallacy' article in tyris' blog.. of coz edith mentioned it as well.. but tyris took down the whole article.. haha.. i rmb i tot it was witty too the first time i read it 3 years ago.. n i still think its funny.. ha.. although of a lower level.. coz i alreadi noe the story.. n then tyris oso had one entry on lameness stuff.. haha.. that was funny as well.. oh n one big diff was that ris' blog had photos that were actually still viewable.. hah.. dith's blog photos were all unloadable alreadi..
but anyway somethings that i infered from their blogs as well as other sources.. it seems that onli i feel that jc was more relaxed than sec school.. lolx.. i totally do.. n i even took jc studies more seriously than my sec school stuff.. lolx.. n i still feel jc more relaxed.. mayb thats y my econs nv picked up.. haah.. coz too relaxed..
n to put things clearly, i make it look like im onli reading their archives when i nv read my own.. actually im not reading mine coz i read it already a few months ago.. n thus i tot it was less of a necessity to read mine yet..
anyway i read abit of lai yan's blog too.. coz i found it by 'accident'? ha.. but her blog is totally different.. as in the things mentioned n stuff.. its all so short n erm.. strange? or shld i say scary.. hah.. dunno la.. nothing much to infer about our class or myself from there.. except that i shld b able to safely say that shes the one person who'd not mind not being in 05a02.. ha.. juz my opinion..
im trying to get my pw grp for a get together!! but i think it mite b tough to get them all together at once.. but i shall try.. for i was but a leader in name.. but still a leader of the grp.. lolx.. n to think that i always tot i was trying to let edith the leader which she refused but in her blog she mentioned that she WAS the leader.. hahahaha.. juz tot it was kinda funny when i saw that.. ha..

2008-04-10T21:12:00.002+08:00

i wanted to say that i tot about how it wld b if i were ever to lose my voice.. to b unable to speak again.. i guess the ability to converse is important to me but not realli to converse but more so becoz i love to sing, especially to myself.. haha.. there r many occasions where i'd sing a song that kinda fits or describes the situation i was facing or the feeling that i had at that point of time.. so if i was to become a mute.. i guess i'd haf a variety of feelings lo.. but overall i guess i'd still b happy.. coz at least it gives me the reason to not talk.. i usually feel that i talk onli coz im supposed to.. or at least i feel i shld talk coz doing otherwise wld b awkward or something.. so i tot overall it wld b a plus plus.. hah..
been reading the old fft message board lately.. coz i found the archives for it.. hah.. rather interesting.. but tiring considering the amount of words i usually read a dae.. haha.. i probably haf read more stuff this past 3 daes than i did the last month.. lolx..

2008-04-08T20:11:00.002+08:00

been having a sore throat for about a week now.. n finally todae it feels much better.. ha.. although im still refraining to talk much unless i get over excited n start to chatter away.. haha.. but i guess i started refraining from speaking alot more coz of a minor incident that kinda shocked me a little.. haha.. coz i was trying to clear my throat of flam so i was at the sink after coughing a few n feeling that i cld clear some off.. but i actually spat out blood along wif my saliva.. of coz i noticed some flam too but blood kinda freaked me out.. haha.. i checked a little n kinda confirmed that it wasnt my gums that was bleeding.. haha..
anyway i kinda dwelled on it for a very long time thinking about lotsa stuff that cld relate to it.. n when i say relate to it i mean almost anything that cld relate to it.. n if i'd admit, most of the things i tot about was nonsense.. haha.. anyway i feel so much better now so i believe it was juz something to be ignored.. hah.. but as it was the first time i actually 'coughed' blood, it kinda got to me as a shock.. ha..
went to read edith's blog archive of May 2005.. haha.. n subsequently alittle of june as well.. it was at the time of school holidays n the chinese camp at that time.. it made me recall wat i experienced from the camp.. my side of the story if i may put it.. ha.. coz reading it was from her perspective.. well thats almost 3 years ago.. ha..
oh n talking about jc, i recalled recently that i probably shld pay up my erm.. 'promise' to my grp mates for PW about treating them to pizza after the project.. haha.. i shall honour it n find a time for us to get together n it'l b my treat i guess.. but im much of a miser now so i guess i cant come up wif much.. haha..
i kinda miss yong ren.. hah.. although its been a realli long time since i last saw her n i guess i cant say i noe her realli well, but i've got a good impression of her from first 3 months.. hah.. if it wasnt for Zyuan, i probably wld haf been the person who'd b hitting the headlines about being wif her.. lolx.. although i guess i wasnt realli very into this stuff in the first 3 months.. n then shortly after that i fell into a 'trap' of sorts n so got into this stuff again.. ha.. i still rmb i told myself that i shldnt need new frens.. ha.. but oh wells.. i guess i was being childish.. but coz of that i chose pjc la.. coz most of my rv frens went to jj if not the higher standard jcs..

2008-03-30T11:58:00.002+08:00

the things that i think about when im feeling down n the things that i think about when im feeling normal, it seems that it changes very drastically.. i still rmb yesterdae when i reached home n tot about wat i cld haf blogged about.. i had at least 4 to 5 things to blog about n i believe at least 2 of these cld haf earned itself an exclusive entry on its own.. hahah.. but now i dun feel like blogging about anything of it at all.. ha..
oh wells guess i'l juz blog abt event wise things.. went sing song yesterdae nite wif the usual.. ha.. but when we reached chevrons we realised that it was booming wif pple n no rooms were available.. so after some time or shld i say after our dinner, we decided to wait for a room inside the hall where we cld still sing but onli once or twice in a blue moon.. ha.. coz its an open area n one wld haf to wait for one whole round b4 the table gets their song again.. although i tot i'd juz try the most simple song that i haf the most confidence wif, i ended singing only one song which wasnt that particular song.. hah.. luckily i managed to pull it off nicely n din make a fool of myself... ha.. but i guess that was nice for a first time in front of a crowd..
i realise that i seem to kill my own voice very quickly.. dunno is becoz of how i sing or becoz i nv train my voice or something.. but i felt that my voice tore off even in one song itself..
i guess i shld remind myself next time.. to write down wat i felt like blogging when i had the tots in my mind.. haha.. coz the onli reason y i din blog about it last nite after reaching home was coz the com is in my bro's room n he was asleep alreadi.. now i haf no feel to blog so i guess wat cld haf been an Exciting! post wld end up boring again.. haha...

2008-03-19T22:50:00.002+08:00

im a very mood dependant person.. the way i treat pple, the way i think, the way i speak, my temper and my patience, it all varies quite extremely depending on my mood. its kinda like schizophrenia in my opinion.. but i guess i dun realli noe much about that to say anything about it.. ha..
but i guess i enjoy drawing.. although i cant draw from images in my mind, i guess im training my copying skills.. hah.. drawing a comic character onto paper whilst having the picture in front of me. thats wat i've been enjoying myself wif lately.. i wonder if i'l b able to draw REAL things. even if i look at real things, i cant realli figure out how to draw them.. its way easier juz following the lines to form a picture when i juz draw from a comic character.

2008-03-09T23:25:00.002+08:00

its been a while since i blogged.. n its probably been an even longer while since i had dreams worthy of note.. but yesterdae i had quite a number of dreams.. i dun realli noe why wld it be yesterdae since nothing special realli happened n i believe the dreams din haf anything to do wif wat i've been going thru lately or wat i've been thinking about lately.. i think..
but it wasnt all sweet dreams.. i rmb one short one pretty well n it was a nitemare to me.. hah.. luckily it was a short one.. but it had me trembling for a while.. hah..
n then there was a few nice dreams but i onli rmb the one that probably lasted the longest.. it was a rather weird dream but i suppose its got the closest relation to wat i've been thinking about lately ba.. although not entirely or majoritively.. hah.. if theres such a word.. = p
anyway coz it was rather lengthy, i onli rmb the general idea of that dream n not realli the entire detail of it.. but i juz rmb it being a nice one to me.. hah.. very nice one..
13 more months to go.

2008-02-15T20:31:00.002+08:00

i try to treat my old frens, in other words, my pri sch frens, as nice as i can based on mainly 2 reasons.. 1, i feel that i've not been very nice to them in the past n so i shld make up for it.. haha.. although i've not recalled it completely even up to now, but i got a rough idea of how i was like then.. hah.. 2, being out of contact wif them for like so long, evryone's probably haf changed from wat we were at the age of 12 at most.. so it'd b fun to rediscover these frens or even to discover how much they've managed to keep of themselves..
anyway i was looking for the way to fold the ferrero rocher rose online, n chanced upon this random blog.. its quite funny how similar the events that he had been thru when he was my age.. hes a year older than me n hes probably a poly student coz hes enlisted a month later than me.. ha.. anyway the things he went thru last year seems to b happening to me similarly.. ha.. not entirely the same but similar.. it wld haf been fun to read on wif his blog but after a while i found his language to b rather disgusting in my sense.. hah.. hes trying to act too gentlemanly.. or shld i say hes juz plain egoistic.. hah.. i dun like that in a stranger.. lolx..
im not afraid or worried if i was scizophrenic.. but i'd b terrified if i had hallucinations..

2008-02-14T08:02:00.000+08:00

Short post.. hah.. theres a difference between ignoring n avoiding u noe.. haha..

2008-02-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

i wanted to blog about something but as usual i forgot wat it was.. hah..
so i'd juz blog about something i tot of yesterdae..
if u suddenly meet a divine being who gives u a chance to relive ur life all over again, allowing u to keep ur memories thus far, therefore letting u decide whether to choose the same path all over again, make different decisions which u think wld haf made ur life alot better, or juz make different decisions simply to c how else ur life cld turn out to b.. wld u choose any one of the 3 above? or wld u simply reject his offer?
thats something i tot wld yield a great variety of different answers n reasons.. of coz there can onli b 4 variations to the answers but i think the reasons cld vary alot from person to person.. the way i phrased it was different to this.. i phrased it previously such that it sounded abit more like a personality test.. hah.. anyway i changed to this way coz i tot it'd b easier to understand this way..

2008-02-11T09:49:00.000+08:00

i didnt feel like blogging yesterdae.. although i had the time to do so.. but after much deliberation, i decided to blog again. b4 the cny, there was all the packing n cleaning to do n i felt that it was much more of a hassle than previous years coz i dun rmb ever clearing so much stuff anyways.. n i nv realli enjoyed the cny very much. in the past, i'd c that getting money from cny was essential. or at least it was the good thing about cny. but for me this year, i din think getting
the ang baos were of much significant.. coz its all money from the family itself. n it doesnt realli make much of an impact to my pool of money at all.. despite the fact that any bit of money contributed to it is definitely helpful. but i nv realli made use of the ang bao money thruout the years. i onli kept them under my bed. i rarely take them out to use them unless i ran out of money n i din haf time to go to an atm. so i realli tot that cny wld juz b another bothersome thing or shld i say its juz another holidays.. which of coz isnt realli much of a holidae coz the time i spend at home is even lesser than when im working. since i'd b out visiting. but of coz i guess it still beats working. i din even blog about last year's cny n so i tot i'd probably do the same again this year.
but this year is a little different. i actually enjoyed it this time. well mayb i always haf enjoyed it. but i juz din notice it, unlike this year. i dunno wat the difference cld haf been. mayb age, mayb ns, i dunno.. i juz felt that this family that i belong to. it seems like a very strange feeling. that i mite actually fear losing this family.
but particularly the most obvious change in me this year is the fact that i actually feel that i like children. lolx. i haf this family of cousins who r at least 7 years younger than me. 4 of them, 13, 12,10 and 2 years old respectively. theres another boy whos 11 this year too.. but i onli saw him on the first dae.. so anyway. for the first time in years haf i actually missed these kids at the end of the dae. i dunno how they feel about this big brother, me. ha.. we used to play together alot.. coz i was still a little kid too when they were toddlers. but as the years went by, we started to distant away from each other. although i can still manage to talk to the eldest boy, the 2 subsequent girls seem to b a little afraid of me, in a sense.. ha. i dunno if thats juz my opinion but they definitely havent spoken to me this year. haha.. i wonder if its juz that they r growing up or their environment in which they've grown up in.. after all, i dun think they've spoken much to anyone else in the family too.. haa.. i guess i was asked to b a big brother to too many children whom i din c evrydae in to short a time at too young an age.. ha. i wld haf onli been primary 6 or secondary school when i rmb playing closely wif them.. haha.. i suppose i wld b able to do better as a big brother now than that time ba..
anyway, the 2 girls usually juz chatter between themselves..the reason y i managed to talk to the eldest boy was onli becoz i taught him a little rubiks cube tips too.. hah.. so i took the opportunity to learn more about how they are doing in school n stuff like that.. haha..den the youngest girl whos juz 2 years old or 3 this year la.. shes realli cute.. i nv tot i'd ever think that toddlers were cute.. haha.. coz they can b a huge nuisance at times.. hah.. but shes realli cute.. n she grew to like me a little bit more coz i played wif her a bit. it was juz a silly thing where i took the extra chips n mahjong tiles from the box n started stacking them up. n den i stacked up the chips n blew them to make them fall.. this quite entertained the little girl.. haha..
anyway the climax of my enjoyment probably ended on the 4th dae.. coz the 4th dae itself wasnt realli much for me.. or mayb its juz coz i had developed a little headache n its still hurting me now.. although i think its juz an old ailment.. haha.. or mayb its juz that i cant stop thinking abt stuff at the moment. i cldnt realli slp well last nite as i cldnt stop myself from thinking.. thinking about lots of stuff.. stuff that cld frighten me, stuff that cld make me sad.. stuff that cld decide wat direction i shld go. stuff that i cant seem to recall no matter how hard i try to think about them.. stuff that can lead me to thinking that living is a pain.. i tot about death again todae.. my death that is.. although i noe that i will nv commit suicide, for fear of pain.. lolx.. but i juz tot of it.. how evrything wld b so much more relaxed if i did.. lolx..
due to personal reasons, i've also decided to filter the things that i realli feel as opposed to the things that i blog about.. some truth may not b the entire truth. but it still holds truth in itself.. its juz a matter of wat u r able to perceive n wat u shld not take in ba..

2008-02-05T22:39:00.000+08:00

juz took a walk down to the market.. it was a rather pleasant feeling to haf the nite wind gently blowing whilst the silent nite brewed tranquility.. haha.. if thats any way to describe it.. simply put is that its quite nice to take a walk at nite i guess.. hah.. although it mite get scary when u start imagining things.. hah..
talk about ushering in a prosperous new year.. but isnt that wat we do or try to do evry year? but wat do we get.. nothing realli.. the whole prosperous new year thing is nothing but a hoax or an excuse for pple to splurge on new year goodies n other stuff like that.. but seeing how unreal prosperity itself is, nobody wld probably ever noe how to realli grasp it. mayb for all we noe, we're actually supposed to onli usher in prosperity at the end of the first month or something.. hah.. by which that time evryone wld b pretty out of the new year mood alreadi..
the niu lang zhi nu story, i cant rmb the english translation.. is it the cowherd n the weaver maiden or something? anyway the loving couple r supposed to haf onli a dae's chance of reunion once per year.. but wld it b the same if that 24 hours was split up n shared between the 2 such that they r able to meet more regularly but lesser time per day evrydae or something? i wonder which is a less cruel punishment.. ha..

2008-02-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

there r some things that grown ups or at least pple who r supposed to haf grown up.. ha.. cannot do which children r free to do so.. one simple thing is playing hide and seek.. if ur hiding near some place where pple r frequent, u'd b deemed as behaving suspiciously n get questioned by cops if any were nearby.. whereas children haf the absolute rite to do so. there r many other things too but i juz wanted to put this simple analogy that may b too simple to b even taken note of.. haha..
anyway i wld like to take this opportunity to unveil the truth behind the particular character i named Alph a couple of entries ago. there was actually nv such an event or character n watever i had described b4 were essentially all fictitious. meaning that none of them realli took place. not to say the least is the fact that i take my neighbour's car to bukit batok where i take the onli bus i nid to take evrydae to work. therefore it is impossible for any said events to occur around me.

i hate to do research. especially searching for info online. but sadly it seems that wherever i go i will always kanna something that requires me to find stuff online.. its alreadi bad enuff that i tio something that nids to b done weekly. but now i nid to find some stuff that i cant seem to find.. haha.. so much for being able to use the internet.
i'm not realli fit to live in this techno era.. i'd rather choose to b living in the past.. somewhere distant like the realm of 3 kingdoms in china that era.. haha.. or at least i'd want to b a farmer.. i tot onli i'd haf that kind of thinking but i found someone who wanted to b a farmer too.. haha.. kinda surprised when he said that but i guess there r pple who want that kinda life too eh..
its quite interesting to do a comparison wif last year by simply reading the stuff i blogged about a year ago.. last year end was the 4i chalet.. but it feels like it happened last dec.. haha.. that was a happy memory..

2008-02-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

hmm.. juz went sheng siong wif my parents to buy some stuff for the new year.. n actually its not juz some but quite alot ba.. ha.. or mayb its juz the few cartons of drinks that pulled the overall weight down.. anyway i juz tot that the attitude of the workers or shld i say one or two of them kinda sucked.. it quite pissed me off.. haha.. thats kinda a seldom thing to happen but i guess i wasnt realli happy wif how they worked.. anyways the cashier oso took the price of one of the items wrongly n over charged us 9 dollars.. luckily my sis always tell me to check the receipt.. haha.. so its realli important to do that..
im wondering if i shld get an add on for my ds, get a psp, or get an mp3 player.. currently i think my decision is nearer to the ds side.. but mayb that will change again.. n even if it is nearer to the ds side, it doesnt realli mean i'l get it in the near future.. hah..
sometimes i realli wanna meet up wif all the pple that i've studied wif at some point of time.. in other words, all the pple whom i've shared the classroom wif.. i'd hope that they'd shed some light on my past.. as in how much i've probably changed from then.. n how better or worse i m then n now.. i'd hope that they'd tell me how successful they r now in life.. n how they'd b able to help me wif my current status.. well i cant say much now since im on a forced service.. but i'd hope that wld happen probably 3 to 4 years down the road.. i like to depend on other pple.. probably coz i think that its the easy way out.. but yet at the same time i wldnt want to b a burden to someone.. or to bother someone so much that im slowing or even disrupting their advancement.. anyway its not realli like i've gotten amnesia or something that i cant recall wat happened in the past or how i was then.. but in some way or some what, i seem to haf created a psychological barrier in my memory bank that prevents my access to it wif complete accuracy.. hah..
somehow life always seems to b better in another timeline or time zone.. no matter what time it is..

2008-01-31T21:15:00.000+08:00

i seem to haf a superbly low EQ despite always thinking that im able to handle human relationships rather well.. but i realised that somehow i was eluded by my own mirages.. it seems like my mind somehow makes up this seemingly real but in actual fact the exact opposite of wat realli happened in the past.. ha.. its not all the things in the past but juz some.. n this illusion is juz but a thin layer of smoke or dust that prevents me from seeing the real me that i was from a glance.. but yet when i finally wipe the dust away, the hidden words seem to float up, revealing wat mite inevitably b the truth behind y i tot i cld change but still cldnt..
anyway it mite not b absolutely correct to describe it as such.. nor does it realli haf anything to do wif the fact that i started that paragraph wif saying how low my EQ cld actually b.. but i juz tot that i shld accept the fact that my past actually reflects correctly as to wat level my EQ cld actually b at..
i've always wanted to get married young.. i've always yearned to b in a relationship.. but yet i've nv been in a relationship up til now, im nowhere near anyone at the moment, n i'm probably definitely sure that i wun get married whilst in university.. that wld probably mean that the youngest age i cld get married wld b 25 or 26.. that wld also mean that i wldnt b able to b a young parent, nor will i b able to b a father by the age of 24, which wld b the lunar year of the dragon..
i seem to haf always complained that my life was a misery.. if i din rmb incorrectly that is.. from how i look at it, i haf definitely missed alot of opportunities, caused myself alot of regrets, chose paths that seem to lead to a place wif comparatively lesser attractions n other stuffs like that.. i've always tot that by relating to my elder brother n sister who were years apart from me, it meant that i had maturity of tot earlier than other pple.. but it seems to me now that my maturity of tot haf yet to develop fully even up til now.. n it probably onli started when i was in year 2 in pjc or even onli after i graduated.. having a more developed mind led me to c things that i probably haf not seen b4.. things like how i cld change my future into something that i'd at least b able to enjoy more b4 i die n reincarnate into another life.. i'm a believer of reincarnation.. although at times im oso much a believer of having a lingering afterlife..
i tend to do things that other pple deem to require alot of courage n determination.. but in actual fact, the 2 factors arent exactly required in order to accomplish certain objectives n goals.. all thats needed is the ability to clear ur mind n juz focus on doing the thing infront of u.. in other words, i'd say that its juz to think of nothing. think not of consequences, of other pple's feelings, of wat mite happen shld i fail to churn the expected results. in other words, its juz to act without thinking. thats something i've learned to control relatively well. bcoz i noe that i'l tend to think too much without putting anything into action, i've developed the skill to overwrite all my tots n juz go for it.. its somewat like becoming drunk n losing ur clear headedness n stuff like that.. but i can manage that without alcohol or losing my rationality.. ha..
many pple use blogs to attain different purposes. i basically blog to express about myself. to introduce myself to b something or someone that i want other pple to perceive. i used to think that that wld b something very different from wat i realli am.. but in actual fact, i cant realli differ that much.. i've tried to split my personality into multiple copies.. i may haf attained that or i may haf gone haywire wif that system or i cld haf juz all else failed.. but i juz feel that wat i speak here is more often more true than i think it is..

2008-01-30T22:30:00.000+08:00

i've sort of been doing alot of thinking recently ever since that wednesdae. although i think alot on usual occasions as well la.. but lately i've been thinking about more stuff on other things than those that i normally do.. ha..
n anyway i got no mood to blog about that rite now.. mayb coz of time contraints or simply juz no mood to do so..
but i'l juz plot down some stuff still.. juz in case i dun rmb them..
basically i tot of stuff that were of a more serious note, n some stuff that was juz amusing myself. but all in all i suppose it doesnt say much about me at the moment.. or at least thats wat i'l tend to think.
anyways the first thing i wanna say is that if i were to die from plunging or some other form of death that mite make it seem like i committed suicide, there r 2 tell tale signs of whether if it is true. if i were to kill myself willingly, i'd first leave behind a note that explains y i wld want to choose this path. or mayb i'd explain wat i wish to haf fulfilled by exchanging my life for it. if i leave neither of this behind.. then its definitely not a planned suicide.. ha..
ok other than this i simply cannot remember wat was the other thing that i tot was the amusing part of my thinking.. ha.. so i'd juz leave it as is first. i'd probably continue on wkends.