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Monday, August 31, 2009
Blogskin
Seeing how my previous blogskin has become CMI.. I decided to finally make some changes to it.. but i din realli find any that i liked in wat others haf done on their own.. so im currently experimenting on how to do it by myself.. so after an hour plus of playing around, i've managed to keep this for the moment.. at least the words are readable.. haha..
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Its been quite long liao but i guess i shld mention since i mentioned Newcastle in the previous post.. Newcastle got relegated! boo.. ha.. i gave them 3 wins out of last 6 games n they onli got 1.. but they cld haf stayed wif juz one more point so its still quite stupid.. oh wells.. Thursday, May 14, 2009
weekly update! haha.. Newcastle finally got their win in a long time!! hah.. i gave them the need for 3 wins to stay in the premier league and thats juz their first win with only 2 games to go... optimistically, one more win shld suffice.. but 2 wins will secure premiership next season.. im not all that upset if they realli go to the championship next season though.. but thats provided that they are able to come back the following season of coz.. Wednesday, April 22, 2009
ah ha! its been so long since i blogged... and looking around a couple of blogs of other's, i realised that we all haf not blogged for a lengthy enuff period of time.. hah.. Monday, March 16, 2009
2 slpless nites
Sunday, March 15, 2009
wat a terrible sunday it has been today.... mainly due to the fact that i cldnt fall aslp last nite..
I haf been feeling very tensed up lately.. some form of unseen pressure or stress keeps haunting me and its making me very angry especially when im at home.. but theres nothing that i know of to do.. what am i supposed to do.. most of the times i tend to think too much and create problems for myself that may haf actually never existed.. but at least most of the times i m able to brush them aside by acknowledging them simply as juz me thinking too much.. but currently im not able to do that.. mayb all the new things about module choosing n stuff n all the uni pple n all the uni stuff have gotten to me.. i nid or shld i say i want help.. but nobody's there to offer me...
perhaps most pple wld say that once we've all grown up, we haf to kick our dependency habit aside.. learn to become an independent individual.. sure i believe that i m able to do that.. but thats onli when i'm by myself.. if i choose to neglect or ignore those around me n rely all on myself.. i will b able to thrust thru many things n come out of it.. but yet evry human tend to want to b a part of a group.. to haf pple to rely on.. even if not all the time, those little bits of times when u juz feel like someone shld b there to support u.. even if juz wif moral support, it wld make one feel so much better..
perhaps because of this, i m forced to enter a stage of denial.. or shld i say i m split up.. i haf nv been able to strike a balance in anything that i do.. i tend to go to the extremes.. which is probably y i'l nv be able to achieve much without anyone thinking or even pointing out to me how strange i haf been...
for the past month i've done so many things by myself... its not like i did not try to do things wif my frens.. but perhaps i did not try hard enuff... im not sure... but i nv wanted to enforce my will on others.. if i ask once n u dun agree.. then i'l juz accept that... but i feel that i've realli done alot of things that almost evryone did not do by themselves.. i attended arts camp by myself.. sure theres probably more who did that too.. and it wasnt exactly a difficult thing to do.. as a matter of fact, nothing was too difficult since it was juz socializing which although im not a master of, im not afraid of it either.. so after arts camp, was precamp.. which although there was participation wif a few frens, i still feel that my overall feel of precamp was that i did it all by myself again.. of coz that meant that i'd made new frens... but to meet a grp of pple who've alreadi bonded together.. its realli hard not to feel left out at times.. n being me, i cannot differentiate which smiles are real n which are fake... i'd usually assume that evryone is frenly but deep down i probably cant convince myself 100%.. so i'd still feel that i cannot fit in...
after precamp i was told about rag n rag dance.. sure i did this on my own accord but at first my stand was alreadi clear.. that O week had priority over rag dance.. but someone, i forgot who, convinced me that the 2 cld go hand in hand.. n so i signed up for rag dance.. which currently i feel that im not cut out for... i may not b smart or clever.. but comparing my physical capabilities to my academic or 'mental' capabilities, i'd say that im not exactly suitable to do physical activities at all.. but since i've alreadi gotten myself aboard, i'd try my best.. but sometimes my best juz isnt enuff..
perhaps all these isnt realli enuff to pull me down.. perhaps it is the event that i feel that im losing all the frens that i've made since arts camp.. perhaps it is the fact that i feel i cant connect to anyone anymore... that i've lost even those frens that i've made prior to uni.. prior to NS... prior to jc... looking back at my past.. wat exactly haf i collected thru my life... perhaps i've lived my life wif being alone in mind... from the way i live, i'l probably b living happily ever after if there wasnt any expectations of settling down n starting a family.. but in life... there is always expectations.. even from the person himself... no matter how hard i try not to give myself any expectations or targets related to age, they still surface after time passes by...
tired of living but yet unable to cut life... perhaps i juz nid time to get past this stage of life.. as how i've always been getting by is juz let time take its toll.. evrything will go by soon enuff...
im wondering if i shld go for arts camp.. sam doesnt seem interested in it saying that hes not from the faculty.. so mayb i haf to do this alone again.. a few more days to consider i guess..
as for myself, i achieved a new mileage on my bike.. longest single trip now would b cycling to cck from home.. i went to pjc after that as well though not directly.. din noe that zyi was working there too...
been wanting to post about my birthday of coz.. after all.. it was something worth noting i guess.. moreover it was not as bad as i would haf imagined..
prior to the day itself.. mayb about a month or so ago? it was about the time when my mom had suggested that i do something.. n she wanted me to book a chalet.. im not sure y my mom n relatives like chalets so much but i wasnt realli into the idea.. but in the end it din materialize coz of a lack of space at chevron's chalets.. n i din manage to get any real info of other chalets.. so i moved from the chevrons chalet to the chevrons' karaoke..
my main purpose was probably to avoid letting family meet frens.. im not sure y but i nv realli liked to swarm my family wif frens.. mayb a small grp of 4 or 5 is ok but that number was not exactly wat i had in mind to haf on the day..
shortly after the chevrons karaoke plan fell apart as well.. i started growing tired of doing this.. i started to recall the days in my first few months of jc when i opted to hide my birthday.. y did i do that? ahh... i suppose i rmb the reason to b that i disliked my birthday.. i wasnt exactly happy wif the fact that im living.. that i was born into this world.. so my birthday wasnt exactly something for me to celebrate about.. n this feeling started seeping back into me..
well i had 2 paths remaining anyway.. west coast park or my house.. west coast park cld not provide any emergency wet weather programmes n so that fell as well.. although of coz.. on the actual day the weather was quite far from being wet.. but who wld haf dared to guarantee..
as i was not exactly in the mood to celebrate my birthday anymore.. i did rather minimal things to prepare for the day itself... unlike tyris's birthday, i had no plans for any simple decorations.. or mayb thats juz me being a guy.. i dunno.. ha.. but apart from ordering the buffet, i did not even bother thinking about wat mite happen or wat i wld want to happen n stuff like that...
in the end of coz i'd pretty much love to thank my parents for many things.. my dad especially for lots of things such as the radio outside which i did not realli feel like approving but i did not reject as well.. turned out pretty well in the end too.. the tables n chairs were also sufficiently enuff that it almost seemed planned to the dot for each person to haf a seat..
theres probably many things to note.. such as the wii which onli my jc grp cld enjoy whilst i cldnt realli fit my pri grp inside to take turns... the 360 wasnt used but i guess it doesnt matter.. i did not talk to evryone alot not realli coz i din haf much time but coz thats how i m.. i dun realli talk alot unless u want to listen to useless babble wif no sense or constructiveness at all.. n mayb many other things which i may or may not haf knowledge of since i had quite the help i did not ask for but gladly accepted..
thanks as well to zhiying for coming despite needing to go to the airport to welcome ur dad...
thanks also to tyris for coming despite it being ur dad's birthday.. i guess 21> any other number eh...
thanks to those who got me gifts even though u did not ask me wat i wanted.. it must haf been tough to choose something for me since i dun seem to haf any real interest in anything..
thanks to my cousins who got me a guitar.. im not sure how far i will go wif it but i will try..
thanks to those who got me gifts that i wanted.. thats after all.. wat i wanted.. haha..
thanks to those who came.. n to those who cld not make it but made it out such that u seemed like u were coming until the last minute then cannot.. im not sure whether it was preplanned or realli last minute.. but im a doubtful man.. hah.. not that it matter of coz..
thanks to those who enjoyed urselves n those who pretended to enjoy urselves even if u did not.. = )
all in all.. thank ou evryone who wld haf a chance to see this post.. = D
on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, that day being a memorable one in my entire life, i would give it a 6.
i had turned in at 12 plus last nite n i assumed i'd b able to slp within a hour at most.. but it turned out that it was one of those slpless nites n it i wld think it was one of the worst ones i've had.. mainly again.. due to the fact that i seem to haf been plagued wif nitemares n weird visions of some of the pple that i've met in my life... n these pple arent exactly even considered acquaintances of mine... but anyway it was a real pain to get thru the nite n i can rmb waking up at 4am to find myself realli tired...
it was made worse of coz by the fact that i felt very heaty the entire first half of the day.. n there was alot of noise pollution to me.. hah.. partly from the malay wedding going on downstairs, n partly coz my bro was listening to his Jeneration album in the living room due to the fact that his player in the room wasnt working.. i tore thru most of the day wif a terrible headache.. but the sunny weather turned wet n the rain was pouring like it nv did b4.. haha.. that was rite after i bathed n funnily i had a strong feeling of wanting to stand in the rain when i was bathing.. of coz i din expect the rain to b that heavy but the feeling was really very real n strong..
luckily my headache lifted by now.. else i probably wun b here.. ha..
anyway i rmbed the missing thing i wanted to blog about yesterday..
it was the direction in which the relation actually works... coz its almost a hard fact that i adore fish leong, i was wondering if it was becoz of this fact that i haf this longing for a relationship, or is it becoz of this longing for a relationship that attracted me to fish leong, whos supposed to b the queen of love songs i guess? ha...
also, i've been watching this show on SCV called the most beautiful 7th day.. haha.. its directly translated from chinese la.. hah.. but i like this show.. its kinda like the other show tian mu xia de lian ren.. i think that one showed on channel U b4.. the actors are almost all the same plus a few more.. hah.. but i think its realli quite a nice romantic comedy serial kinda show.. ha.. i wonder again... if its coz i've always wanted romance that i like this show.. or that i watch this show which made me feel like falling in love... ha..