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Saturday, December 26, 2009
ahhahaha.. after such a long time.. almost an entire sem's worth of time, i've decided to blog yet again! haha.. not for sheer pleasure or posterity.. but simply because after looking for so many places to garner support from, n failling to secure any, i've no choice but to turn to this channel of distribution? so to speak anyways.. theres probably a better word to put it but i cant think of any at the moment..
the dumbest thing of it all is that i've no right to disclose my inner most feelings to anyone at all.. not even this dumb lame blog that nobody presides anymore... not that i had much audiences to start wif anyway.. so y cant i say wat i feel? bcoz its stupid.. or shld i say.. becoz im stupid.. im only good at retrospection.. apart from that.. im most probably the slowest creature to react to anything at all in real time.. i've missed a million opportunities n thus i've been left alone again.. but of coz i did not expect the wrenching heartache that occured last nite.. yes this i can disclose at the very least since it is probably the cause of this that shld b kept under covers.. i cldnt slp at all last nite.. mayb due to the strange feeling in my chest or mayb juz becoz i had the most things to regret about in a long time.. but still.. losing slp over something that had past.. i think this is the first.. it wasnt much fun either.. but i ended up leaving my bed at 730 plus in the morning after my dad left for work.. decided to go to the reservoir to emo.. well sorta anyway..
i had to use an atm anyway.. so i decided that this was the best route to take which had the most conveniences.. but then in any case,this is not that important since this is juz a minor detail of my journey.. the important thing probably is the fact that i've spent too much n im still wanting to spend on drinking beer.... beer has become my new favourite thing since ck's birthday last month.. it is the only thing that can cheer me up even if there's nothing to b happy about.. the only thing that can put a smile to my face without any reason at all...
thus leads to one thing to sulk about.. coz i did want to find someone to drink with tonite.. but ended up having no one at all.. perhaps i shld haf seen it coming anyway.. but i tot that i was being pessimistic.. no beer no happiness.. boo....
Christmas this year was ok i guess... seoul garden was something that i had not had since a long time ago so it was pretty intriguing to say the least.. but after yesterday i seem to haf grown a disliking for that resturant.. not bcoz the staff there wasnt realli to my liking.. but coz it probably isnt very healthy... almost had my throat killed by the end of the day.. mayb the combo of the coffee bean coffee did me in as well.. but i was seriously not feeling very well by the half day mark..
If not coz that i was left feeling ill for most of the day, i'd haf said that christmas was a good day spent being wif my primary school frens again... the photos were interesting.. we talked abit as well.. mayb we doesnt include me but i dunno.. haha.. i was reminded from the photos about how i looked like when i was young.. in a word, i'd say i looked blur.. or stupid or anything weak like that.. indeed, i'd probably hate that me if i saw myself at that age today.. perhaps i've not changed much inside nor haf i improved outside but thats how i feel...
chances chances and more chances.. i said i missed a million but of coz thats juz a figure of speech, or an exaggeration.. but i'd safely say that i missed at least 2 chances... 2 absolute chances that if i had properly held wif my 100% effort, i'd probably not b here typing this stupid blog entry n sulking that i got no buddy to drink wif rite now.. but i had alreadi said that there's some things that i cannot reveal so i cannot elaborate...
Some things may b meant to b... but if this is realli true, then mayb im meant to live my entire life as a singular entity.. as a person who cannot relate to anyone out there... even my own family... but if things were not meant to b this way.. if onli we were meant to b together, then i can onli look forward to the next time we meet, which seemingly is an entire year later since this buncha kids like to meet up in december...
SW's flying off to philadelphia soon... she's almost too amazing a person already.. shes like everything i shld haf been to b a successful MAN.. yes i'd think that being able to achieve such grades, having such plans for ur own future n being such an outstanding musician, i'd b as successful a person as anyone who'd gotten a prize to recognize their success... but in comparison, the me in reality at this moment pales so much that i'd probably blend in wif a white wall.. i haf 0 positive traits and so many negative ones.. its small wonder that i'm caught in the dilemma of the parasite.. wats that u wld ask? i juz came up wif that myself... the dilemma of the parasite wld b when a parasite falls in love wif the being it is leeched upon... the parasite endangers the harm of its owner... juz by being attached to it.. so in order for the parasite to allow its owner to live happily ever after, its onli choice is to leave its owner.. perhaps this story is stupid.. but when im the parasite, me, as a human being, cannot juz leave the person he loves entirely without a single care.. because somewhere deep inside, every human yearns to b with the person he loves the most.. but if being with the person wld onli make the person less happy, then there are onli few choices... i cld only come up wif 2 n was hoping for my beer buddy to tell me some about this but in the end, it had to come to this...
anyway the 2 paths to take were to either leave completely, along wif all the sadness n pain of not being able to b the one to bring happiness to the person i love, OR to improve myself so much such that i m in the position to b the one to give her the best things in life... apparently it is easy to decide that the correct thing is the latter.. but sometimes, the easier way out is more enticing.. n besides, the correct way may not be attainable if ability limits ambition... n who wld noe better about myself other than me... im almost too appalled by the uselessness n weakness of myself... so perhaps i can onli haf myself to blame for my plight.. if even i m in any plight at all.. but as far as i noe... at this moment in time, I m feeling the heartache still...
Yuhui told me b4 that being single isnt such a bad thing.. freedom is something that is almost as priceless as love.. i've lived my life with that in mind ever since she told me that... but until yesterday nite, while i was lying on my bed thinking of how to deal wif the problem at hand, i came to realise that i m unable to fully grasp that fact that being single isnt sad at all... im not sure y i m so, but i realli realli realli realli always wished to find my missing rib bone... my other half, my soul mate etc... so i came to the conclusion that unlike u yuhui, im not that brave to b happy all day when im single...