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Monday, July 28, 2008
i've been watching consequtive episodes of the channel 8 7pm serial.. mainly coz the 'erbo' character attracts me very much.. ha.. i'd haf said to anyone n evryone that kaiwang shld juz leave seaweed n take erbo anytime of my life but particularly except now.. ha.. where im currently thinking about how I myself cld b faithful to one person if i loved her thru many years.. so as much as i like erbo.. i wun b able to accept her.. cruelly, this is onli due to the time factor.. that i wld haf met seaweed first.. n cruelly, this is the fate that wld possibly b dealt to erbo in the show.. as much as she shld get the love of the man whom she loves, the fates of the one who came late in this monogamy society is usually put in a more disadvantageous position.. Sunday, July 27, 2008
juz to add a few more stuffs.. the keyword is "platonic".. ha.. but sometimes platonic doesn't realli work out.. not that it doesn't work out between the pple directly involved but more so of how other pple around wld say n eventually cause unwanted attention or misunderstanding..
Im a blabbermouth.. mayb i speak things that shldnt b spoken without noeing it alreadi.. ha.. oh wells.. I shall mark todae as the start of my long long wait.. or at least another long long wait.. ha.. Thursday, July 24, 2008
Way Back Into Love Saturday, July 19, 2008
i'd like to thank peng boon for allowing me the experience i've always wanted to try.. ha.. Wednesday, July 16, 2008
You are resilient in the face of difficulties, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested. You've had some tough experiences in your life, but you are wise and mature from them. Having had to grow up ahead of your times, you tend not to heed the advice of others. You tend to be a loner sometimes and think that you cannot depend on anyone else but yourself. Sunday, July 13, 2008
heres to posting in july.. hah.. blogging has become quite a chore not realli coz of the time i cld haf spent elsewhere which i wld spend thinking about wat to post n the time spent on typing it in itself.. but realli i dun seem to haf anything worth recording down for reference.. i started out partly coz i noe that i forget alot of stuff if i dun write them down n if i do write them down.. reading them in about a few months or even a few years cld b interesting.. but i've since lost that thinking formula n there's essentially nothing much that i wld enjoy reading about to refresh my memories than to keep those memories purely by rmbing them in my heart or mind.. depending on where memories are supposed to go anyways.. ha..
i've always been weary about the fact that going into NS attached, for a guy that is.. wld more often then not result in the girl changing heart.. so i guess instead of trying to not get into that position by making myself into the position of the person who takes the girl's heart away, i shld juz stand in my given space n stare out into the colours of the world.. waiting.. wilting.. withering away into dust..
if onli humans cld wither like flowers.. mayb the world wld b a better place...
anyway a few classical sentences... "eating 'delicious cockroaches' in africa", "anyone living in singapore wld put a tick under the 'near home' box", and a few more that i dun realli recall at the moment.. haha..
anyway i think i enjoyed the shower the most.. ha.. quite nice water temp n room temp combi i think..
anyways had a taste of yoga lesson todae.. it was OTOT at FY.. kinda shitty how we got dragged down though.. me n wp.. but at least all ends on a slightly well note as of now.. hope nothing else crops up.. the lesson itself was ok i guess.. but i dun suppose i'l ever want to try another one.. im not a stretchy person.. ha.. i prefer a series of non stop actions.. ha.. not draggy ones..
Growing up is tough.. or at least before we find out how things haf changed from b4 we grew up to after we grew up.. the boundaries change so silently that it cld go unnoticed if nothing cropped up..
I say i'l wait.. i wonder how long will i wait.. i say its worth waiting for.. but will i get wat im waiting for in time? nothings for certain but i chose this path.. so i guess onli time will tell.. my onli concern is how much time.. ha...
I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on!
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!
I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!
anyway i've been playing lost odyssey on the 360 for quite some time alreadi.. n i've always wanted to post some of the dreams of kaim's thousand years on the blog.. but i was wondering if that was infringing in any laws or regulations.. but i guess it shldnt b a problem seeing as how quite a number of blogs post it on their own anyway.. ha...
anyway i wonder y most pple post hanna's departure.. ha.. mayb juz coz its amongst the first dreams they view?
personally i like the one called "The Upstreamers".. everyone has a hidden desire for endless travel.. i wonder if mine will ever evoke itself.. so anyways heres the entire dream..
The Upstreamers
Strong winds have always blown across this vast grassy plain.
Perhaps he area's topography has something to do with it, but the direction of the wind remains constant, irrespective of the time or season:
From east to west, from the horizon where the sun rises to the horizon where the sun sets. Swept by the unceasing winds, the misshapen trunks and branches of shrubs all incline to the west. Tall grasses do not grow here, and the grasses that do grow all lie flat on the ground, bending westward.
Caravans and herding folk traverse the single road that crosses the plain. They do not “come and go,” they only go, moving from east to west, using the wind at their backs to gain distance. Travellers heading west to east always use the circuitous route that snakes around the southern mountains. It is much farther that way, but much faster than crossing the plain head-on into the wind. The road across the plain is called the Wind Stream. Just as the flow of a great river never changes direction, the foot steps of those who use the road have not changed direction since the distant past, nor are they likely to change far into the future: from east to west.
Human shapes that appear from the horizon where the sun rises disappear over the horizon where the sun sets.
They never pass oncoming travellers—with only the rarest exceptions. The first time she passed Kaim on the Wind Stream, the girls was just an infant.
“So, my grandmother was alive then?”
In response to the girl's untroubled question, Kaim smiles and answers,
“She was. And I remember what a nice old lady she was, too.”
Looking back down the road, the girl points toward the line of hills fading off into the distance.
“My grandmother crossed seven hills on her journey.” “Is seven a lot?”
“Uh-huh. Grandma lived a long time. Most people end their journeys after five hills. The people the leave behind build a little grave where they ended their journey, and then they keep travelling...”
The girl points down at the ground where she is standing.
“This is as far as I've come,” she says with a proud, happy smile.
The religion of the girl and her family professes a pious believe that if they devote their lives to walking eastward, against the flow of the Wind Stream, they will arrive at the easternmost source of the Stream itself. People call believers in that religion, “The Upstreamers.”
The word carries a hint of fear and sadness, but also a trace of contempt and scorn.
The upstreamers are devoid of worldly desires. They live their lives for no greater purpose than travelling eastward on foot. They are free of doubt. They give birth to children en route, and they continue their journey while raising their children. When they age and their strength gives out, their journey ends. But their family's journey continues.
From child to grandchild to great-grandchild, their belief is carried on. The journey of this girl's family was begun by her late grandmother, who began walking from the Wind Stream's western verge with her son, who was then the age the girl is now.
The Upstreamers do not walk for the entire year, of course. During the season when the winds are especially strong—from the late autumn to to early spring—they take up residence in various post towns scattered along the road and earn day wages by performing tasks that the townsfolk themselves refuse to do. Some Upstreamers choose to stay in the towns, while others, conversely, take townspeople with them when they return to the road in the spring.
These are people who have fallen in love during the long winter,
Or boys who dream of travel,
or grown-ups who have tired of town life. Such are the reasons the townsfolk look upon the Upstreamers with complicated gazes.
The little girl's mother was one of those who joined the journey mid-way, and he girl herself, some years from now, might fall in love with someone in a post town somewhere. She might choose to live in the town, or she could just as well invite her lover to join her on the road.
She has no idea at this point what lies in store for her. The girl's father calls out to her: “Time to go!”
Their brief rest is over.
She seems sorry to leave and stands up reluctantly. “Too bad,” she says. “I wish I could have talked to you more. But we have to get to the next town by the time the snows start.”
Constantly exposed to upwinds, her cheeks are red and cracked, her lips chapped, but her smile is wonderful a she wishes Kaim a safe journey.
It is the serene smile of one who believes completely in the purpose of her life, without the slightest doubt. “Will I see you again somewhere?” she asks.
“Probably.”
Kaim answers, smiling back at her, but he can never match that smile of hers. He is now in the midst of a journey that will take him beyond the western end of the Wind Stream. He heads to the battlefield as a mercenary, and by the time the western battle is over, a new battle will have begun in the east.
It will be a lon, cruel journey, with nothing to believe in. When he meets he girl again along he way, Kaim's smile will have taken on even more shadows than it has now. Perhaps as a parting gift for him, the girl sings a few short lines for him:
This wind, where does it blow from?
Where does it start its journey here?
Does it come from where life begins?
Or does it begin where life ends?
“Goodbye, then,” the girl says, trudging on, one labored step at a time, hair streaming in the headwind.
Ten long years have flowed by when Kaim next meets the girl.
It is spring, when the grassland is dotted with lovely white flowers.
She has become the wife of a young man who does tailoring and shoe repair in one of the post towns.
“This is my third spring here,” she says, patting her swollen belly fondly.
In a few days, she will give birth to a child. She will become a mother.
“And your parents...?” Kaim asks.
She shrugs and glances eastward.
“They are continuing their journey. I'm the only one who stayed on here.” Kaim does not ask why she has done this.
Continuing he journey is one way to live, and staying in a town is another.
Neither can be judged to be more correct than the other. The only answer for the girl can be seen in her smiling face. “But never mind about me,” she says looking at him suspiciously.
“You haven't changed one little bit from the time we met so long ago.”
For the thousand-year-old Kaim, ten years is nothing but a change in season.
“Some lives are like that,” he says, straining to smile.
“Some people in this world can never grow old, no matter how long they live.”
He looks at the girl, now grown into a woman, and wonders again, Living through endless ages of time: is it a blessing, or a curse? Kaim's remark hardly counts as an explanation, but the girl nods with a look of apparent understanding.
“If that's the case,” she says, “You should be the one who goes to the place where the wind begins. You'd be the perfect Upstreamer.”
She could be right: after all, the lifespan given to humans is far too short for anyone to travel against the Wind Stream as far as the starting point of the wind. Still, Kaim responds with a few slow shakes of shis head.
“I'm not qualified to make the journey.”
“No? Anybody can be an Upstreamer. Anybody, that is, who wants to see where the wind starts with his or her own eyes.”
Having said this, however, the girl adds with a touch of sadness, “No one has actually seen it, though, I guess.” The place where the wind begins: that place is nowhere at all. Even if, after a long journey, one were to arrive at the eastern end of the Wind Stream, the wind would be blowing there, too. And not just an east wind. West wind, north wind, south wind: winds without limit, without end.
Human beings, who cannot live forever, daring to take a journey without end. This might be the ultimate tragedy, but it could just as well be the ultimate comedy. Kaim knows one thing, however: one cannot simply dismiss it as an exercise in futility. “How about you?” he asks the girl. “Aren't you going to continue your journey soon?”
She thinks about this for the space of a breath, and caressing her swollen belly, she ****s her head and says, “I wonder... I might want to go on living the way I am now forever. Or then again, I might feel that desire to reach the starting point of the wind.” All the Upstreamers without exception say that you can never know what might trigger a return to the journey. One day, without warning, you slough off the entire town life and start walking.
It is not always a matter of running into an Upstreamer and being lored back to the road: plenty of people set out on their own all of a sudden.
The teachings of the Upstreamers say that all human beings harbor a desire for endless travel. They probably are not aware of the desire because it is stashed away so far down in the breast that it is deeper than memory.
The instant something brings it to the surface, a person becomes and Upstreamer. “Even if you have the desire,” the girl says to Kaim.
“I wonder...”
“It's true,” she says. “No question.”
The look in her eyes is as straight-on and free of doubt as it was the last time he met her.
Fixing him with that look, she points to her own chest.
“I haven't completely lost it myself.”
“But I'm sure you'rehappy with your present life?”
“Of course I am.”
“Do you really think the day will come when you will want to set out on the journey even if it means giving up that happiness?”
Instead of answering, she gives him a gentle smile. Many years flow by, but every now and then, something reminds Kaim of the girl's words—that everyone harbors a desire for endless travel.
For Kaim, living itself is a journey without end.
In the course of his journey, he has witnessed countless deaths, and he has also witnessed countless births. Human life is all too short, too weak, and fleeting.
Yet, the more he dwells upon its evanescence, the more he feels, inexplicably, that words such as “eternal,” and “perpetual” apply more properly to live, finite as it is, than to anything else. Traveling down the Wind Stream for the first time in many years, Kaim spies the funeral of an Upstreamer.
A boy in mourning dress stands by the road holding out wildflowers to passing travelers, and urging them to “offer up a flower to a noble soul who has made the long journey this far.”
Kaim takes a flower and asks the boy, “Is it a member of your flamily?”
“Uh-huh. My grandma.”
The boy nods, his face the image of one Kaim knew so long ago.
The old woman lying in the coffin must be the girl. Kaim is sure of it.
“Grandma traveled a long, long time. She brought my daddy with her when he was just a little boy. See that hill over there? She started walking from way, way beyond it, and she got all the way here.”
So, the girl must've set out on her journey after all.
Turning her back on he town life, leading her child by the hand, she trod her way along the endless journey.
Her wish to aim for the place where the wind begins would be passed on to her child, her grandchild, and on through the succeeding generations.
To head for a land one could never hope to reach, and to do so generation after generation: this is another endless journey. Is it a tragedy?
A comedy?
Perhaps the serene smile on the face of the old woman in the coffin is the answer.
Kaim lays he flower at her feet as an offering.
The family members who have travelled with her join together in a song for the departed:
This wind, where does it blow from?
Where does it start its journey here?
Does it come from where life begins?
Or does it begin where life ends?
The wind blows.
It sweeps the vast grassland.
Kaim takes one long, slow step toward his destination.
“Have a good trip!” calls the boy.
Red and cracked as the girl's were so long ago, his cheeks soften in a smile as he waves to the departing traveller.
Greatest Strength
Well developed stability and confidence
Greatest Weakness
Suspicion of others
this was something an application on facebook said i was.. i feel it sounds a little like Cao Cao
i haf a growing feeling that a life can realli b split into 2 different categories.. when a person has a partner to live wif, n when a person doesnt haf... of coz when i say a partner to live wif.. i'd oso mean those who has lost their partners to tragedy or to disasters.. these partners live in their hearts of coz.. but i'd say their lives wld b more similar still to those without than to those wif..
i've always wanted to b a part of those wif a partner to live wif.. but i've always nv had one.. n den slowly as i grew up, i witnessed the problems that that life cld bring to how i've been living all these years.. n i started to think twice about whether i'd realli want that sort of life.. but i've oso wondered if i started to reject that idea becoz of the problems that i learnt about or juz coz i cldnt succeed in attaining it.. the sour grapes theory always plays a part.. b it significantly or invisibly..
mayb the number of different pple i've met so far is too little for me to come to an understanding of how diverse humans can realli b.. mayb i've nv realli seen how the pple i noe realli think or realli behave when they are themselves.. but all i noe is.. i seem to b changing into a rather bitter person.. ha..
all in all.. i suppose that i shld keep those that i feel i've seen thru them as realli great frens close to me n nv let them leave my side.. although its rather hard to do so.. i've not the qualities to attract that many kinds of pple towards giving or sharing a part of their lives wif.. ha.. mayb its hard to change a person when they've fully grown or when they've become aware of themselves.. mayb its juz that i refuse to change.. refuse to yield to the environment that i've been put into.. mayb i can onli wait for the final lesson to b dealt unto me b4 i can finally move on..
i wonder y did i start talking about those things.. ha.. i've done this post wif watever came to my mind straight n din do much thinking into it.. so does that mean this is wat i'm realli thinking? or does it mean that this is juz some form of bullshit that i've conjured up yet again.. ha..
10 more months of time..