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Monday, February 23, 2009
wkend over le.. so fast... haix.. sianz... Friday, February 20, 2009
ok.. im rather bemused by the way br talked about 'instead of whining "if only"'.. i read my entry n the only 'if only' that i wrote about was about meeting someone who was like me.. as far as i noe... whining about something to do wif 'if only' wld b when this particular 'if only' was refering to something that has past.. for example if only i had done this instead of that.. but i was simply wishing for something to happen.. its like a future thing.. that may or may not b definite.. but mayb has something to do wif time b4 it arrives... so im not quite sure if i cld b considered whining... Thursday, February 19, 2009
haiyo.. karen.. i use MBi becoz i m Bing n not Beng leh.. hahah.. Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i've lost the reason to blog about certain things again... n i had a few things which i wanted to pen down as well.. Monday, February 16, 2009
i shall try to recall starting from friday.. i suppose theres nothing much to rmb about office hours events so starting from after work i guess.. Sunday, February 15, 2009
A good 3 days of self discovery... Wednesday, February 11, 2009
juz wanted to post the lyrics of 2 songs that i think is quite interesting.. haha.. Monday, February 09, 2009
hmm... i love the effect alcohol has on me when i consume a significant enuff amount.. haha.. but i've never realli liked the taste of any alcoholic drink as yet... kinda makes me feel like im taking medicine.. as the chinese saying goes.. bitter medicine works best.. Sunday, February 08, 2009
ahhhhhhhhh.......... i wonder...... realli...... Thursday, February 05, 2009
to BR.. nope shes not attached.. again.. u gave me inspiration.. haha.. although i cant say if thats gd or bad.. Monday, February 02, 2009
ok firstly, i think i shall not tag in my own chat box so i will onli respond to the tags there from my entries itself.. of coz i dun realli expect much tags anyway.. but since BR is such a fan n tags, i will juz respond to them from here..
anyway saturday flew past real fast... had to attend my captain's house warming.. n he stays at seng kang central.. which is like accessible by train but DAMN far away.. its like the last 3rd stop of the NE line.. alighted at buang kok station... went to his house b4 so alreadi noe how it looks like la.. was looking forward to seeing his dog de but turned out he had brought him elsewhere coz otherwise the guests n the dog wld b a complicated problem.. anyway the food was ok.. not exactly great.. hah.. but as the great alcoholic that he is.. wahah.. i got to drink some wine.. i think about 13%.. not exactly enuff for me though.. haha.. but i guess it was better this way la.. din wanna get knocked out so far away from home.. besides.. i had another event in the evening..
had called several of the jc peeps to chevrons to sing.. but ended up almost not getting to do so coz i nv book b4 hand.. haha.. i dun like to b the coordinator so called la.. ha.. but snice im the onli person not ord'ed n so has the chevrons card.. i guess its pretty much left up to me liaox... i still cant realli control when to n not to use the 假音 lo... i think i shld realli try to hear the person sing first b4 i switch his voice off n start singing.. mayb the key isnt as high as i tot it was...
oh n b4 i forget.. im sorry if im guilty of snatching microphone.. haha.. but sometimes i juz cant help it.. juz tell me if i nid to stop.. = )
was supposed to play bball on sunday... but it RAINED!!! haix... although they still played but onli at a later time, i onli joined them in the last hour or so... n although i was encouraged that i had improved... but im pretty much still not very good wif team work lo.. i see them play is realli quite amazing.. its like dancing realli.. haha..
but travelling on the train reminded me of a certain her again.. ha.. coz she told me that the NS n NE line had 2 numbers missing.. so looking at the board on the train reminded me of wat she said.. it stirred my heart a little bit at first.. but i guess i haf to get used to it eh.. i wonder when will i get to meet up wif her again....
my 21st birthday may not materialize as yet after all.. so i wonder...
mayb everyone has juz a simple target they wish to really achieve all their lives.. n i cld say the same for myself.. but mayb the target i set for my own life is far more difficult to achieve... which is y i cant seem to b content wif wat i haf.. the so called 'noe content' in chinese... does it mean to b content wif ur lot? with no motivation to strive for a better deal? im not exactly sure how it works.. but i've come to think that it may not b as positive as it is made to sound..
the food thingy was juz an analogy i decided to put up coz i found it interesting.. my fren was realli quite pissed about pple telling him that.. so i tot it was funny.. haha...
doesnt realli matter anot whether i make an effort to clear wat i feel r misunderstandings of wat i express of coz.. but i juz tot that i mite as well try to convey as correct as possible wat i had set out to in the first place.. perhaps it was onli in the spurn of the moment.. is that the correct expression? ha.. so mayb it is onli correct for that one hour or so.. ha..
anyway my fren mentioned that my webby kinda doesnt make sense coz u cant realli 'give off' a sense of belonging.. but i guess pple can get the idea.. haa..
and yes.. i will continue to sort out my tots.. although my tots change many many times after evry event in my life.. haha.. but i suppose i will try to find a pattern somehow..
firstly, i dun want to meet someone like me so that i can say that there's someone similar in this world.. i want to meet this person coz in this way, this person will haf all the time in the world for me n i wld haf the same for him or her.. thus we'd b able to fit together n attain our individual goals together.. its kinda like a jigsaw puzzle wif a similar edge n dent... or mayb a digimon piece wld demonstrate this better.. lolx.. 2 digimons fit each other perfectly! HAH..
secondly, i dun realli care about normal or abnormal.. whether one is normal or not is a comparison of that person with the rest of society.. it is juz an opinion.. a view point.. so its not realli impt to check that flag..
thirdly, i kinda hate it when pple say things like 'theres pple out there alot worse off than u are'.. this sentence isnt constructive at all.. other than being a fact.. or an unproven fact even.. it serves as nothing else.. so wat if theres pple alot worse off.. if i think about that n b happier.. thats juz nonsense.. even if im happier, the pple out there wld still b the same as b4.. worse off or not doesnt matter.. so y do pple say this to tell the person to cheer up? i've grown to find that this sentence pisses me off.. haha.. its similar to the sentence ' u noe how many pple in the world r starving' when u dun finish ur food... to quote a fren of mine, 'they starve bcoz of distribution problem n not shortage of food problems... there is 4x more than enuff food for the entire human race.. but its the distribution problem that causes certain countries population to suffer from starvation... n even if u do finish ur food.. those pple wun get served wif food anyway.. its a no link thing..
fourthly, even IF there are pple out there alot worse off than me.. y muz i compare myself wif them? juz so that i can feel better wif myself? if i feel better juz coz of comparisons.. then i mite as well compare myself wif pple who r disabled or mentally challenged.. if by comparing myself wif them makes me feel better.. then i think 90% of the world's population shld NV b sad at all.. if im supposed to make a comparison.. y not compare wif someone who's life is better instead?
anyway thx for visiting my blog still.. = D appreciate the tags..
i've been reading my 06 blog entries.. i realise that the horoscope thing i posted then.. seems to b coming true.. lolx.. oso the characteristic of Squall Leonhart of FF8 oso seems to b materializing b4 my eyes.. so its actually quite interesting.. at least i noe that keeping this blog has its uses.. ha.. this blog is kinda like my psychiatric file lo.. its like im going psychotherapy n this is my entire file... reading the file from the beginning to the end.. i mite find out more about my 'condition'.. hah..
watched this show called 'chaos'.. think its quite an old movie.. it talks about the chaos theory.. n got one part talk about 'when u get lost, return to the beginning to find ur path'.. something like that.. its actually quite useful sometimes.. haha...
firstly, having a great pal, a buddy, a best fren.. does it mean that it will go both ways? the great pal of A, B, will treat A as a great pal as well.. does it haf to b mutual for this system to work? or does it haf a possibility to go one way? or does it not count if its a one way thing...
i'm lost again trying to find someone to love.. perhaps no one requires the love that i m capable of giving.. which brought me to a door which reads 'frens'.. at this point of time i find pple whom i've not met in a long time.. n oso pple whom i've not been even frens wif.. juz mere acquaintances.. perhaps the army is taking too much of my time.. perhaps its a good thing.. im not sure anymore..
i nid some pple to distract me.. to take up my time.. if i were to distract myself, i'd onli haf video games to do so.. n thats not exactly the most useful... i mite nid to wear down my physical body as well...
i m lonelier than i ever haf been.. anything positive is multiplied by 0.01.. n anything negative is 100x magnified.. at this rate.. all i can think about is ending up onli feeling the happiness of others overflowing n splashing onto me.. but my cup of happiness.. it has a closed off lid.. which cannot b filled from the overflowing pails of others... i can onli b happy for a brief moment.. when the droplets fall on the sides b4 slowly dripping off me........
if onli... i cld find someone similar to me in this aspect..... i've seen myself in several of my frens.. a part of me is reflected in them.. but those are different aspects of myself.. yet no one seems to feel the way i feel.. perhaps.. i m heavily misunderstood... perhaps... i haf a warped sense of logic..
i used to deny that my logic is different.. or even wrong... but i've come to accept that it realli cld b that way.....
yh said to me that it is juz the mindset.. she is still happy n free being by herself... i agreed wif that.. that it is juz the mindset.. but unfortunately.. my mindset strays from that which she adopts.. perhaps it is the inability to change my own mindset that is the cause of my own misery... but yet.. misery is but too heavy a word.. i haf no real emotion.. so i cannot feel misery.. i can only feel minor sadness..
i seem to possess a gallon of hatred.. of negative feelings n tots.. which i always tot that i cld easily unleash upon anyone or evryone... but lately i realise that i may haf forgotten that i've actually bottled up almost too much negativity such that it cannot fit thru the passageway to exit... it is a solid being n thus it can onli reside within me for however long a time it takes to dissipate...
i found myself to b willing to walk wif someone even if i cld juz take a bus..
i m not exactly gd at expressing myself..
i m very imposing on others in the sense that i feel that its ok to disturb others at their homes..
i m demanding on my frens..
i do eat food courts once in a while wif frens instead of always taking fast foods..
i usually stick to things or places that i've tried b4 to eat..
budget is important to me..
i tend to b earlier if i can rather than late..
i feel quite bad if ny fren accompanies me but ends up wasting more time than needed..
i still prefer to do things on the sly.. stealth is my pride..
i like to feel appreciated.. mayb alot more than others..
i m a fan of rtk..
im not very gd wif soccer electronic games..
i m forgetful..
i ignore pple when i feel tired n go to slp..
as i wake up to the morning sun the following day.. ha.. there was less things to discover until i reached home i guess.. but i guess there are still some things to mention..
12 flower bouquets actually weigh relatively enuff to tire my hands..
having 2x hotcakes meal isnt very fun..
i still dun like to talk about myself to my family.. mentally prepares lies to smoke them if they asked certain questions.. but always end up not needing to use them as they ask questions which i din expect n end up telling the truths.. but i guess i tell the truth coz the things asked are trivial n doesnt realli matter..
i dunno how to take care of flowers.. had to keep them at home til i went out in the evening.. put it in a tall cup as mom suggested..
i like to wear long sleeves..
i realized the things which i forgot to do..
i arrive an hour earlier than agreed upon to inspect the surroundings n to check on suitable locations.. ended up spending half an hour waiting for time to pass..
holding flowers, even on Vday, seems to make pple stare at me.. i was quite affected by pples eyes n put on a cap to hide my eyes..
mayb flowers on vday isnt that important...
i do a routine check on how long i wld nid to wait..
i learnt that eating without talking may or may not b a good habit..
choosing a quiet place to talk is a good idea.. but mayb somewhere wif seats wld b good..
i m forgetful n non focusing.. cant rmb or recall wat was said to me even from a minute ago..
i m lame.. it was quite a bad thing...
i m unromantic.. a bore even...
i haf no interest in buying things for myself..
i haf no 2nd tots to spend on pple whom i do care about..
loving someone is juz a feeling..
i will not love someone less after understanding more about her.. on the contrary, i m happy to learn more about the person that i love.. no matter whether it is good points or bad ones..
i m not able to comprehend positive or negative signals.. nor m i able to change tactics mid way.. i can onli start n end wif one strategy imbued within me b4 i can change..
i impose my will on others again.. not a gd sign..
i m onli able to give silly n stupid suggestions..
i haf very little knowledge on the world or how it progresses..
n then its sunday.. i had agreed to meet zhi hao at the jurong east gym...
gym is not for me.. zh said that guys usually go to the gym to work out seriously.. so they bring wif them a sense of anger.. so that they can outdo themselves? not very sure how to put it.. hah..
i m not weak physically.. but im definitely not strong either..
after gym effects isnt very nice..
zh is a gd lad.. LOL...
n i was asked to play bball in the evening that day at the gym as well..
after gym, hands require different ways of movement to conjure strength to even throw the ball at the board.. haha..
i realised that i always tot certain pple werent approachable, like they arent realli frenly.. but mayb it is juz me who isnt frenly... who doesnt talk to other pple... it was quite strange to discover that fact but it may realli b true,,
peng swee is good basketball player.. ha.. unlike me, whos role is still to stand around n b clueless as to wat to do...
n finally, i heard some stories regarding the childhood lives of my elder brother, sister, n myself from my mom.. it was quite interesting.. n some things that i may haf rmbed differently, or even nv rmbed at all...
i guess not evrything i discovered was about myself.. n mayb somethings are juz relative.. but without competition or even juz comparison.. i suppose then i wld not b able to grow..
i feel that the past 3 days haf made me realise alot more about myself compared to the past mayb 2 years? haha.. its a gd thing to noe more about myself of coz.. but getting to noe myself in itself isnt realli a happy thing.. haha... oh wells....... shall blog about that soon if i feel like it.. hah..
firstly, 愛情轉移 by eason.. i din post the whole song.. juz some parts which i think is quite funny.. haha.. its actually a quite negative song lo.. i especially find this line 接近換來期望 期望帶來失望的惡性循環 quite realistic.. haha..
徘徊過多少櫥窗 住過多少旅館
才會覺得分離也並不冤枉
感情是用來瀏覽 還是用來珍藏
好讓日子天天都過的難忘
熬過了多久患難濕了多少眼眶
才能知道傷感是愛的遺產
回億是抓不到的月光握緊就變黑暗
床單上鋪滿花瓣 擁抱讓他成長
太擁擠就開到了別的土壤
感情需要人接班 接近換來期望
期望帶來失望的惡性循環
短暫的總是浪漫 漫長總會不滿
燒完美好青春換一個老伴
next is fish's song 用力抱著.. guess i'l post the whole lyrics here.. nothing much to say about this.. juz wanted to share wif anyone who even comes here.. haha..
寂寞時你像個貝殼 閉上眼 你倔強的摀住雙耳
背對背地坐著 我們用沉默在拉扯 看誰的淚先輸掉拔河
愛我時你不夠嚴格 總忘了 能夠牽手多麼難得
我不怕生命有挫折 不怕回憶會有皺摺 唯有你說要放棄 我不願符合
你心裡有多少忐忑 交給我去用力抱著
雙手還有熱 或許能喚起你的不舍 有一天我們傷的心會癒合
心裡的忐忑 抱著慢慢就會好的
感動都有了 還有甚麼不認可 不准我們把愛給走成了坎坷
多少戀人不費唇舌 在一起 卻說服彼此不適合
我懂得生命有沼澤 懂得愛會失去光澤 只是在你懷裡是 快樂的抉擇
你心裡有多少忐忑 交給我去用力抱著
雙手還有熱 或許能喚起你的不舍 有一天我們傷的心會癒合
心裡的忐忑 抱著慢慢就會好的
感動都有了 還有甚麼不認可 不准我們把愛給走成了坎坷
我心裡也有的忐忑 曾經你也勇敢抱著
思念還有歌 唱著我無法對你割捨 相信我們傷的心會癒合
心裡的忐忑 時間跟我說會好的
決心放好了 這一次非你不可 若這不是愛 那有過的 是甚麼
enuff time has passed by since i got jing ru's new album.. n i've grown to like the album now.. haha.. as usual din realli like it at first.. n got a bit afraid that i dun like jing ru anymore.. haha.. but now i guess its over le.. the album is nice n i still like her alot.. haha.. oh wells..
anyway.. i dunno if im the onli person who waits til the 15th day of the new year b4 i open my ang baos... is that money realli that important that we haf to count the amount as earli as possible after we receive them? to me.. its juz a symbolic thing.. that we receive ang baos.. after all.. the money belongs to the entire family or mayb even juz frens.. but r we that happy to pool their money together for our own use? i dunno..
im still looking for a fren who wld take me in as a follower.. haha.. then i'd b able to pledge my loyalty to him or even her.. n i'l do alot to put things in his favour.. at least that way.. it'd b quite obvious when i'm making a difference in another person's life.. in a positive way.. but i guess i'd expect some sort of protective cover from him as well.. after all.. nothing realli comes out from a one way relation ba... so this person shld at least b quite capable from my point of view...
i seem to always end up being on the waiting side of things.. no matter how i try to avoid i will always need to wait... but i guess this wait will settle things for the while now..
i had intended to end it short but thru several inspirations i was made to think that i nid not limit myself to this set amount of time.. so i continued a few more.. but now i've stopped to think again.. n i realise that i actually AM required to keep it short.. so this wait will probably settle things.. its the easy way out for me i guess..
boo! nobody comments on my note.. hahaha... i c other pple's note put up awhile so fast will haf pple comment on it.. but i put up nobody comment de.. so sad... ahha.. although i noe that it is still read la no matter the no. of comments.. or at least i've known of one who's read wif no comments alreadi la.. haha.. but still.. i had expected more than this.. luckily carol commented.. hah.. but it was rather flawed.. nothing fun to talk about..
for starters, i wun b changing the colour of the bouquet regardless of watever the situation or whoever the person is.. ha.. im too lazy to do that.. n i think u've been attached for too long le.. haha.. u may haf forgotten certain things that wld make it impossible to get the flowers over or at least it wld b strange or requires an excuse of some sort.. indeed if i dun expect any reciprocation it wld weigh me down less.. but a part of me still thinks that if i dun expect reciprocation den i mite as well dun do anything... y bother letting someone noe that she is loved by another individual if at the end of it all nothing will come out of it anyway.. but of coz a part of me understands where ur coming from wif that point.. haha.. so i hafta say that u gave me an idea in a sense.. but whether i will implement that idea is another thing entirely.. lastly about the sense of security eh.. i guess i've nv been able to give anyone a sense of security.. basically coz i've got a completely useless method of working n anyone who's worked wif me in a grp will probably noe that i dun work well at all in a grp.. onli a few pple noe how to work wif me.. haha.. but anyway i was talking about the sense of security.. haha.. digressed abit.. i muz say that i haf tried to enhance my capabilities n my outlook towards many things that cld broaden even alittle of my ability to make someone feel safe.. but apparently i haf no talent in this field watsoever.. ha.. so if my attitude was more serious it wld at least feel that im more able to protect wat i wld want to protect? i dunno about that at all.. ha..
ok that was all in response to BR.. haha... abit long but doesnt matter la.. ha.
i wonder if im the onli person who wld think for others almost all the time.. when i played cards wif my relatives, i wld worry that i wld lose much of coz.. thats the basic level.. next i wld worry that if i won, that wld mean that someone else will nid to lose.. n i will worry if the amount lost is significant anot... in the end i managed to come to a comfortable playing field by playing a small amount of 20 cents per round.. lolx.. its quite little but at least it was fun.. we were after all playing for kicks.. not for the money.. i managed win 15X in 2 days.. so if i had made a bigger bet i wld haf won bigger.. but im happy wif 15x of 20cents.. rather than 15x of 2 dollars.. simply becoz this way my aunt wun nid to lose too much.. n if it was losing 15x of 20cents i wldnt mind anyway...
which leads to another story.. i din realli understand wat the reason of play was.. but it seemed to me that they were playing for the money.. the rules n the bets n stuff.. it all leaned towards maximising profit rather than minimising lost.. i wasnt realli enthused into playing of coz... so i juz took 4 rounds to lose 4x of 50cents n managed to get myself out of the game finally.. ha.. n in the end the game din last long... im not sure if its coz i wasnt playing thats y they all stopped.. if it was, then i haf to say im sorry.. ha.. but if it wasnt.. then i realli dun think the reason of play was for money..
im quite bitter at times.. but if im too bitter.. anyone can juz tell me.. i'l sweeten up.. lolx.. oh wells.. there cld haf been more things to look out for b4 then.. but now i guess my next main event is ORD... even my birthday doesnt seem that big a deal rite now...