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Thursday, January 31, 2008
i seem to haf a superbly low EQ despite always thinking that im able to handle human relationships rather well.. but i realised that somehow i was eluded by my own mirages.. it seems like my mind somehow makes up this seemingly real but in actual fact the exact opposite of wat realli happened in the past.. ha.. its not all the things in the past but juz some.. n this illusion is juz but a thin layer of smoke or dust that prevents me from seeing the real me that i was from a glance.. but yet when i finally wipe the dust away, the hidden words seem to float up, revealing wat mite inevitably b the truth behind y i tot i cld change but still cldnt.. Wednesday, January 30, 2008
i've sort of been doing alot of thinking recently ever since that wednesdae. although i think alot on usual occasions as well la.. but lately i've been thinking about more stuff on other things than those that i normally do.. ha.. Friday, January 25, 2008
i found out something about Alph todae. coz as i left my house this morning as usual, when the digital clock showed 639 or at least i try to leave at that timing. ha.. anyway after locking the door n turning to move down the stairs, i suddenly noticed my opposite block 12th storey. someone i tot looked very familiar was juz walking out of her house as well.. i guess its not hard to deduce that the person is Alph. ha.. anyway yep i saw Alph walk out of her house. or at least i saw her walking down the corridor. ha.. so one thing's confirmed is she lives opposite my block. Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Simple Happiness.
anyway it mite not b absolutely correct to describe it as such.. nor does it realli haf anything to do wif the fact that i started that paragraph wif saying how low my EQ cld actually b.. but i juz tot that i shld accept the fact that my past actually reflects correctly as to wat level my EQ cld actually b at..
i've always wanted to get married young.. i've always yearned to b in a relationship.. but yet i've nv been in a relationship up til now, im nowhere near anyone at the moment, n i'm probably definitely sure that i wun get married whilst in university.. that wld probably mean that the youngest age i cld get married wld b 25 or 26.. that wld also mean that i wldnt b able to b a young parent, nor will i b able to b a father by the age of 24, which wld b the lunar year of the dragon..
i seem to haf always complained that my life was a misery.. if i din rmb incorrectly that is.. from how i look at it, i haf definitely missed alot of opportunities, caused myself alot of regrets, chose paths that seem to lead to a place wif comparatively lesser attractions n other stuffs like that.. i've always tot that by relating to my elder brother n sister who were years apart from me, it meant that i had maturity of tot earlier than other pple.. but it seems to me now that my maturity of tot haf yet to develop fully even up til now.. n it probably onli started when i was in year 2 in pjc or even onli after i graduated.. having a more developed mind led me to c things that i probably haf not seen b4.. things like how i cld change my future into something that i'd at least b able to enjoy more b4 i die n reincarnate into another life.. i'm a believer of reincarnation.. although at times im oso much a believer of having a lingering afterlife..
i tend to do things that other pple deem to require alot of courage n determination.. but in actual fact, the 2 factors arent exactly required in order to accomplish certain objectives n goals.. all thats needed is the ability to clear ur mind n juz focus on doing the thing infront of u.. in other words, i'd say that its juz to think of nothing. think not of consequences, of other pple's feelings, of wat mite happen shld i fail to churn the expected results. in other words, its juz to act without thinking. thats something i've learned to control relatively well. bcoz i noe that i'l tend to think too much without putting anything into action, i've developed the skill to overwrite all my tots n juz go for it.. its somewat like becoming drunk n losing ur clear headedness n stuff like that.. but i can manage that without alcohol or losing my rationality.. ha..
many pple use blogs to attain different purposes. i basically blog to express about myself. to introduce myself to b something or someone that i want other pple to perceive. i used to think that that wld b something very different from wat i realli am.. but in actual fact, i cant realli differ that much.. i've tried to split my personality into multiple copies.. i may haf attained that or i may haf gone haywire wif that system or i cld haf juz all else failed.. but i juz feel that wat i speak here is more often more true than i think it is..
n anyway i got no mood to blog about that rite now.. mayb coz of time contraints or simply juz no mood to do so..
but i'l juz plot down some stuff still.. juz in case i dun rmb them..
basically i tot of stuff that were of a more serious note, n some stuff that was juz amusing myself. but all in all i suppose it doesnt say much about me at the moment.. or at least thats wat i'l tend to think.
anyways the first thing i wanna say is that if i were to die from plunging or some other form of death that mite make it seem like i committed suicide, there r 2 tell tale signs of whether if it is true. if i were to kill myself willingly, i'd first leave behind a note that explains y i wld want to choose this path. or mayb i'd explain wat i wish to haf fulfilled by exchanging my life for it. if i leave neither of this behind.. then its definitely not a planned suicide.. ha..
ok other than this i simply cannot remember wat was the other thing that i tot was the amusing part of my thinking.. ha.. so i'd juz leave it as is first. i'd probably continue on wkends.
anyway i wasnt realli sure n so wanted to confirm the fact. so i pranced down to the lift lobby. onli to find the lift going up to 12 n coming back down to 9, FULL. i dun realli like to squeeze in the lifts wif strangers n so i let them go down first. but of coz that wld mean missing the opportunity to find out if the person i saw was realli Alph. n so i sped down the stairs arriving at about the same time or even earlier than the lift by 1 second. ha.. anyway thats not the point. the point is i was also juz nice in time to c Alph walk out of her lift at the opposite block. the bus stop is in that direction too anyway. it goes like my block, her block, bus stop.
so kudos! i found out something about her todae! hah..the bus stop was crowded as usual. but we stood at sort of the same box. or between the 2 same pillars. lolx. coz i mentioned previously that the norm of this bus stop is to stand a few away from it instead of cramming in it. coz its a sheltered walkway all the way to the bus stop so even if its raining there'd still b no problem. ha..
n then she boarded the bus first. n i was last i guess. she sat at the 2nd last row todae. n the last row was empty so i sat at the last row. i prefer to observe ya c. ha.. anyway i oso guessed that the next stop wld probably c alot of commuters boarding n so i had this tot in my mind. to move over n say something to her n den sitting down beside her. saying anything wld haf done. like 'may i sit here' or something lame like that.. ha.. i cant realli think in this kind of situations. n since the bus wasnt waiting for me to decide, we were at the next stop b4 i cld think of any lines. the stop was indeed packed. n many i wld approx 17 to 20 pple boarded there. so i din say anything but juz moved over n sat next to her. i guess u dun nid to ask to sit when on the bus eh. it wld haf felt weird if i did say that.. ha..
anyway i realised that she was reading a chinese LIT textbook!! which means shes oso a chinese Pai more than an English Pai? i dun realli noe if its true. after a gd 2 minutes or so she changed her book to an english story book though.. ha.. n den we alighted at the bus stop opposite the library again. todae the bus stop there was still full.. ha.. i guess our first bus came earli or on time todae. n den the other JJC student that noes her came too. but she onli said hi or something short n went to sit wif her frens. Alph wasnt sitting despite a great length of space there. i wonder why. i went to sit when she din though.. ha.. n den her fren who came later wif her fren oso came to sit. i made some space for them n then they continued talking whilst Alph juz stood by herself reading her book. it was titled 'never say never' or never something. shit i cant rmb.. ha..
anyway a 178 came but i din take it. i decided to take 198 todae to c how it wld b. n Alph's fren, i shall name her Beth, talked to her abit on board b4 going upstairs. Alph was standing again by the alighting door. or shld i say the other side of the alighting door. coz theres space to stand there kind of bus. yep. so Beth n her fren went up. i din move into Alph's line of sight though. but i think she shld noe i took the bus as well. anyway i alighted 3 stops later to take 160 or 180 to bpp there n take 177. i din do anything to incur any huge detours. but in the end stilll reached office quite late.. ha..
n then after work did the same thing again. except i din miss any buses. i juz took the first 198 that came. so anything new wld probably haf to wait til mondae.. ha.. something to look forward to during weekdaes..
btw i feel that liking someone. n in this instance, liking Alph, seems to make me weak. in an abstract sense of the word though. somehow i feel different.
I've learnt to create my very own state of happiness that doesnt directly affect anyone unless i take it to the next level.. hah.. kinda strange way to describe it but to me, happiness comes in the most simplest ways n one of which is the attraction of the opposite gender. ha..
anyway this form of happiness oso coincidentally comes in the morning n so gives me a refreshing start to my evrydae life. ok mayb not evrydae but evry weekdae. of which i'd probably nid it anyways.. i enjoy my wkends wif or without any activites.. ha.. idle is a luxury after all..
anyway like i mentioned earlier that it was a simple attraction of girls for me. of coz i shldnt put it this way lest it makes it look like im a lustful wolfdog kinda person which im obviously not.. = p
its realli juz that i've noticed this JJC girl ever since the start of this year.. she goes to school at about the same time as i leave for work evrydae. n so i'd say out of 5 daes at least 4 of them wld see me taking the same bus as she wld. we wait at the same bus stop to take to je where we change to different buses.. so its kinda like we'd board n alight at the same places once evrydae. anyway shes not realli the typical girl i'd realli b attracted to since i like girls wif long hair more than those wif juz shoulder length or short hair. but she has shoulder length hair n her facial features r quite normal as well. kinda resembles a fren of mine in PJ first 3 months too.. but anyway i guess looking normal is alreadi a beauty in itself for me. but apart from the face n hair which r the 2 aspects that i commonly look at, i feel that shes got the perfect evrything else. haha.. although i've yet to talk to her or even tried to do anything funny.. ha.. which is like i said earlier too that it doesnt affect anyone else coz i'm juz happy seeing her evry morning.. so unless i talk to her or approach her in any way, i'd not b upheaved to a state of happierness and neither wld i b pushed down a cliff of despair. ha.. but either way, i'd c how chance puts it for me again next time.
n i'd say next time bcoz i was inspired to blog again todae bcoz i feel that todae was a day worth mentioning.. my love luck or however minor that kinda thing can become, was rather high todae. i guess i shall juz start describing from when i was still at home. i spent a gd 20 minutes listening to jing ru's songs this morning coz i woke up earli enuff to spend that kinda time n still wun b late. but i left home 2 minutes later than usual. of coz 2 minutes is probably a minor lapse of time but it can make a big difference when catching the bus. but anyway i shall not go on about my theory of small time lapse to big time delays. that shall b another dae's work. ha.. so i left 2 minutes later than yesterdae n went down to the bus stop. it was rather packed wif pple n so i cld safely assume that todae the 2 minutes din matter coz the bus hasnt come. as it was packed i stood quite a distance from the bus stop. its nothing much but juz the norm at that bus stop anyway so from where i was i tried to find the JJC girl. i think i shall give her the name Alph. so i looked around but cldnt seem to spot her.
when the bus came, i moved closer to the bus stop of coz. n den i finally saw Alph alreadi at the bus stop. i suppose she was earlier than usual to b able to get a spot there. ha.. anyway as the bus was a few moments later than usual, there was also a bigger crowd than usual boarding the bus. as i finally managed to see her, i felt happy at the immediate moment. ha..
so as i slowly boarded the bus behind probably about 12 to 15 pple, i looked to c if there were seats available as usual. but then i saw Alph sitting in the front half of the bus. probably about 2 seats in front of the alighting door. it was the green seat. which is the 'healthy pple go away' seat for me. but i cldnt realli care that much coz she was very considerately sitting inside n the space beside her was available. so i din bother to c if there were any seats behind, i juz slowly walked to that position n sat down beside her. ha.. i muz mention that i was playing my nds while waiting for the bus as well. n so after sitting beside her, i continued doing so. ha.. but i noticed a few things about her too.
firstly she was holding on to a handout which on that page had a heading called imperfect competition. i suppose that term onli appears in economics? ha.. n then she took out her handphone n plugged in the hands free set n switched to radio listening to station 98.7. so i suppose she is a english song person? which wld mean that i'd stand little chance of striking a convincingly interesting conversation wif her on the music aspect i guess. n den i also took this chance to look at her closer. n i mean juz looking at her appearance from a 'person beside her' point of view. i noticed she has very beautiful fingers n that added almost a gd 50 out of 100 marks in my heart. ha..
anyway thruout the bus ride of barely 7 or so minutes? at most 10 i believe, she was mostly juz looking out the window n not at her notes.. hah.. i wonder if shes taking it easy or that she noes its bad for her eyes to read on the bus which wasnt realli brightly lit. either way so we juz continued our own way of enjoying the bus ride n alighted opposite the library.
another interesting surprise for me todae was that the usually packed bus stop was totally EMPTY todae. we werent the onli ones alighting at the bus stop but the others either crossed the road or went the other way. we were the onli 2 pple left at the bus stop.
which on a side note, brings me to describe the usual scene at the bus stop. there wld b about 3 to 6 different schooled students at the bus stop. they can usually b grped into 2 grps. one grp for bus 198 n the other for 176. i suppose theres another grp for 178 as well. but thats a smaller grp.
but anyway the 3 to 6 different schools arent individuals. from wat i gather, i shld b able to safely assume that theres always about 5 JJC students excluding her. n one of them seems to b Alph's fren. coz i believe i saw them talking to each other.
ok back to this morning, we both sat down on the bench there. probably a metre apart. i still did not talk to her or anything despite the fact that we were there alone n it was almost the best chance i'd get in a decade. ha.. but i continued to act like i was intrigued by pokemon but i was actually trying to see wat she was doing.. ha.. she was studying her notes for a few seconds, i'd say at most a minute, b4 bending forward to c if the bus was arriving. n den going back to her notes. i was wondering at that moment if i shld wait wif her n den take 198 b4 changing to 180 n den 177. but i was thinking if she mite feel something strange about me if i did. afterall we probably noe of each other's existence n she shld noe wat bus i usually take. so after losing my pokemon battle n feeling rather pissed, i closed my nds n kept it in my bag. i noticed that she was bending forward so i sat straight. den when she sat back i bent forward to c the bus. thats the problem wif that bus stop la. got the stupid fence blockin the view. anyway i was thinking of watching the bus for her. so i kept watch when she wasnt. but within a minute of me keeping my nds, 176 came n i took it n left. kinda lousy ending for that little morning i had. n i realised that 198 din seem to b coming within the next 3 minutes or so. so i guess i shld haf stuck wif her til she boarded her bus eh.
Sillyness.
Im also capable of doing very silly things for something or someone i like. coz after work, i took up my officer's offer n took his car out of my work place. i cld haf chosen to get off somewhere nearer to je n den going home from there but i said i wanted to go to the JJC bus stop. well for 1 my officer lives near there so its oso more convenient for him i guess. but i wasnt being considerate but i was juz hoping to c if i'd get to meet Alph again. i suppose i was testing to c if my 'love luck' was able to last the whole dae. but of coz i din c her at all. n so after giving up one 198 to take i took the 2nd one to je. i guess my sillyness is quickly overridden by my impatience or my rationality.
if i had talked to her n asked for her no. or something in the morning i cld haf probably followed up when i went to JJC. but i guess its in me to give up chances all over the place. ha..
so i'l juz hug my little pieces of happiness each morning til the year ends n then i'l nv c her again n i'l move on to my next phase in life.. hah.. University will b my real battlefield. lolx.