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Monday, June 28, 2010

when i was cycling back home today i was thinking of some things and got reminded of this dream...

The Ranking Of Lives

A terrible epidemic is ravaging the kingdom.

The onset of the disease is sudden. Due to genetic or perhaps hormonal factors. It strikes only males. The victim experiences a high fever, a violent headache, and often a swift death.

The disease does have two hopeful aspects.

First of all, if an individual survives it, he need not fear catching it again: from then on he has immunity.

Secondly, an extremely effective medicine exists. If used preventively or in the initial stages of the disease, the drug, a tablet made primarily from a plant that grows in the mountains, almost always results in a cure.

Does this mean people can relax, and that there is no need to worry?

Unfortunately not, for an ironic twist of fate is something that life tends to thrust upon people all too often.

The high-altitude plant used to make the medicine that is so effective in prevention and early cure is extremely rare, verging on extinction.

In other words, there is not enough medicine for all the kingdom's subjects, only for certain people.

"Do you see what i mean?" asks Dok, a quiet man on patrol in the capital's marketplace with his fellow military policeman, Kaim.

Sending his sharp gaze down one alley after another, Kaim responds "You're saying they rank people to decide who gets the medicine?"

"Exactly," says Dok.

"In deciding the rank order, they brand us as either 'Subjects Indispensable to the Nation' or 'Other Subjects'."

Capital military policemen will receive their medicine relatively early, which demonstrates their ranking as "Subjects Indispensable to the Nation."

"I guess it makes sense," Dok goes on, "If all of us were to keel over, order in capital would break down like nothing. We always have to be the picture of health as we patrol the city, right Kaim? 'For the sake of the homeland,' as they say."

"I suppose so . . ."

"First the royal family gets the medicine. Then the royal guards. Third comes politicians, and then the financiers who run the country's economy, the police and fireman, doctors, and finally us-the capital military police. There's not enough to give it to just anybody."

Dok all but spat out those final words, and asks, "What do you think, Kaim? Ordinary subjects are people, too. Is it okay to 'rank' them like that?"

In theory, Kaim should be able to reply without hesitation that of course it is not okay.

But, realistically speaking, he says, "There's no way around it." He averts his gaze from Dok's as he hear himself saying these words.

"No way around it huh?' he mutters with obvious distaste.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe there is no way around it."

He sounds as if he is trying to convince himself, in fact it does seem to be the only means open to them.

"The folks here in the marketplace know about the disease, obviously."

"Obviously." answers Dok.

"If their fears get the better of them, they could riot at any time."

"Absolutely."

"We can just manage to keep the peace by patrolling the streets like this."

"I know what you mean."

"If we were to succumb to the disease, their lives would put them more at risk. If we can't dose every subject in the kingdom, all we can do is think about how best to keep the harm or the impact of the disease to an absolute minimum."

"I couldn't have said it better myself Kaim. You get a perfect score. Good job!"

His words of praise carry obvious barbs.

Sensing their presence, Kaim falls silent. Underlying Dok's sharp comments is not only the pain of biting sarcasm but the sorrow of helplessness.

Two children, a boy and a younger girl, run past the men, laughing. Dressed in rags, they have probably come from the slum behind the market to gather scraps of vegetables little better than garbage.

Dok points to their receding forms and says,

"I'd like to ask you a question, Kaim."

"All right . . ."

"Are those kids 'Subjects Indispensable to the Nation?"

Kaim has no answer for him. Because he knows the right answer all too well, he can only lapse into silence.

Responding to Kaim's silence with a bitter smile, Dok goes on,

"According to your logic, Kaim, if those kids fall sick and die. "There's no way around it.' Or at least capital police like us have a greater right to the medicine than those kids do. Am I right, Kaim? Isn't that what you're saying?"

Kaim could hardly declare that he was wrong.

Responding again to Kaim's silence, Dok asks,

"Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not attacking you. It's just that everybody is indispensable to somebody. Even those kids. They may be just a nuisance to the state-poor beggars, but to their parents they are indispensable lives that must be protected at all cost. Am I wrong?"

What a kindhearted fellow, Kaim thinks, maybe too kind - to a degree that could prove fatal for a soldier.

From the direction of the castle comes the sound of the great bell - an emergency assembly signal to the soldiers patrolling the streets.

The medicine seems to have arrived for them.

"Let's head back," Dok pipes up, apparently emerging from his gloom,

"Let's be good boys and take the miraculous medicine that's going to save our lives and protect the kingdom."

The sorrow-filled thorns sprouting from his words pierce Kaim through the heart.

It is the following day when Dok tells Kaim of his plan to desert.

"I'm only telling this to you Kaim," he says when they are patrolling the marketplace again.

"I know the punishment for desertion is harsh. I'm not sure I can make it all the way, and if I'm caught, I know I'll be court-martialed and executed."

He has resigned himself to that possibility, he says, which is why he wants to make sure that Kaim knows the purpose of his desertion.

"I'm not betraying the country or the army. I just have to deliver . . . this."

In his open palm lies the tablet that he was issued the day before.

"You didn't take it?" Kaim asks, shocked.

"No, I fooled them," he chuckles, immediately turning serious again and closing his open hand.

"You're going to deliver this tablet?"

"Uh-huh."

Dok holds out his hand now, pointing toward the mountains south of the capital.

"At the foot of those mountains is the village where I was born. My wife and son are there. He's just five years old and he's been sickly since the day he was born. If he gets the disease. It's all over for him."

"So you're going to give him the medicine?"

"Do you think it's wrong of me to do that?"

Transfixed by Dok's stare, Kaim is at a loss for words.

Suddenly the gentle Dok's eyes betray a murderous gleam.

"I may be a soldier dedicated to protecting the nation, but before that I am the father of a son, and before that I am a human being.

I don't give a damn about the kingdom's ranking of lives according to whether or not they are 'indispensable.'

I want to save the life of one human being who is indispensable to me."

Dok's eyes take on added strength. They are bloodshot now, dear proof of his resolve.

"If I leave now, I can be back in the barracks by roll call tomorrow morning. I'll come home as soon as I give him the medicine, so I'm asking you to do me this one favor: don't cause any commotion until then."

"No, of course not, but . . ."

"I'm not sure I can make it, but I am sure my boy will die if I just stay here. He'll pull through if he has the medicine. If there's even the slightest possibility of that. I have no choice: I have to take a chance."

"They'll kill you if they catch you."

"I don't care. I can die with pride, knowing I did it to save the life of the one person most important to me."

"What if you get sick?"

"All I can do is leave it up to fate."

Dok smiles.

Human beings can't do anything about fate, but I want to do everything I can as a human being."

This is why Dok has revealed his plans to Kaim.

"One more thing, Kaim. If they kill me or if I get sick and die. I hope I can depend on you to visit my village sometime and tell my wife and son what happened.

Make sure they know that I didn't desert because I got fed up with the army. I did it to save my son's life, which is something that is more more important to me than army rules and even more important than my own life."

He will be satisfied as long as that message gets through, he says with a smile. Kaim has no way to reply to this.

Not that Kaim fully accepts everything Dok has said to him. He is convinced not so much by the man's reasoning as he is overwhelmed by something that transcends reasoning: by the power of life, by the strength and depth of Dok's desire to save a life precisely because it is something that will eventually be cut off by death.

"I'm going to make a run for it for it while we're patrolling the marketplace. I'm asking you to look the other way. Tell them I disappeared when you took your eyes off me for a split second."

Kaim can do nothing but accept Dok's plea in silence.

He sees that deep in the hearts of those who love, finite life is a place that cannot be entered by those who have been burdened irrevocably with life everlasting.

The two men reach the far end of the marketplace.

"All right then, sorry to put you through this . . ." Dok says.

He turns toward the exit and is about to plunge into the crowd when it happens.

A child comes bounding out the alleyway.

It is the same shabbily dressed girl from the slums who ran past the men yesterday, laughing. Today she is alone and crying her head off.

She looks around with wild eyes, and when she spots Kaim and Dok in uniform, she comes running to them, shouting. "Help! Help!"

"What's the matter?" Doks asks.

She takes his hand and leads him into the alleyway as if to prevent the surrounding people from hearing what she is about to tell him.

"It's my brother!" she blurts out. "He's sick ! He's got a high fever and he's shaking all over! We've got to do something or he's going to die!"

Kaim and Dok look at each other.

"How about your parents? Don't you have a father or mother to take care of him?" Kaim asks.

"What parents?" the girl retorts tearfully.

"They both died a long time ago. There's just me and my big brother. Oh please help him, please!"

"But I was just . . ." Dok mutters, fidgeting, ready to run. He looks at Kaim with pleading eyes.

Kaim kneels and down and looks the girl straight in the eye. "When did his fever start?" he asks.

"Just a few minutes ago," she says.

"We were leaving to pick up vegetable scraps, and he fell down . . ."

Only a little time has passed since the disease struck. He could be saved by the medicine.

But of course there is no medicine for slum children.

Judging from the girl's wasted frame, her brother must also be eating poorly. The disease will almost surely ravage his malnourished body and snatch his life in a matter of hours.

The girl will not come down with the disease of course, but even if it cannot attack her directly, once she has lost the only other member of her family and has no one to take care of her, the tiny thing is bound to trace the same fatal path as her parents and brother sooner or later.

"Please help my brother . . . please!"

She clings to Kaim and Dok, huge tears streaming down her cheeks.

Kaim gives her a slight, silent nod. He rises slowly and reaches for a small leather pouch dangling from his sword hilt.

Before he can lay hold of it, he hears Dok saying to the little girl.

"Don't worry."

Dok is holding out his hand to her, smiling gently.

In the palm of his hand is a tablet.

"Give this to your brother." Dok says. "There's still time to save to save him."

The girl gives him a puzzled look and hesitates until he urges her.

"Hurry. Do it now!'

She reaches for it uncertainly and takes it in hand with great care.

"Hurry home, now!"

Dok says with a smile for her. the girl dashes off.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Her shrill, tearful voice rings out as she disappears into the alleyway.

"I'm glad it worked out like this, Kaim."

Dok says with a shrug and a pained smile. "So now I won't be branded a deserter, and I won't have to give you anything to worry about. No, this is a good thing."

He sounds as if he is trying to convince himself. He even nods deeply in agreement.

Surely he cannot have done this without regrets, especially if his son at home should take sick and die.

His voice is calm, however, as he says. "I couldn't help it. When I saw that little girl crying like that . . . I know my son would understand." He gives himself another deep nod.

"Still, Dok . . ."

"Never mind. Don't say a thing." Dok cuts him off and squints towards the alleyway the girl ran down.

"There's absolutely no rank or order to lives. The only thing that matters is to save a life you see with your own two eyes."

"I know what you mean." says Kiam

"Just because I saved one slum kid's life, there's no guarantee he'll grow up to be a credit to the nation.

Maybe all I succeeded in doing was prolonging the life of yet another drag on the state. Maybe after I get back to the barracks. I'll start thinking of other people I should have saved instead of him."

"On the other hand, Kaim." he says, interrupting himself and turning to look at Kaim as he considers yet another possibility:

"On the other hand, I look at it this way, too. Maybe it is just a matter of innate human instinct to want to save the life before your eyes.

Maybe we learn those other kinds of ranking later: 'for the nation,' or 'for the people, ' or even 'for my son.'

I may have failed as a soldier or as a father. but I think I did the right thing as a human being."

Dok stops himself there and starts walking without waiting for Kaim to reply. He might be trying to hide his embarrassment at his own tortured reasoning.

Seeing this, Kaim produces a laugh and calls out to Dok as casually as if he were suggesting they go to the tavern for drinks.

"Hey Dok!"

"uh-huh"

"You forgot this!"

Now Kaim finishes what he interrupted before, reaching for the leather pouch tied to his sword hilt.

From it he takes a small pill.

"What? You mean . . .?"

"I didn't take it either."

Incapable of losing his life to a disease. Kaim has no use for the medicine to begin with.

Of course he has no intention of telling Dok about that. Even if he were to try telling him he had lived a thousand years, it is not likely that Dok would take him seriously.

"You have a family, Dok. Lives you'd give anything to protect.

That is a great thing."

Now Kaim holds out a hand with a tablet in it the way Dok did earlier to the girl.

"I envy you," he says with a smile.

"Wait, Kaim, wait . . . Hey, I mean you . . ."

"I don't have a family," he says, increasing the depth of his smile.

Responding to Kaim's smile, with it's mixture of sympathy and warmth. Dok silently accepts the tablet.

"Well now, would you look at that beautiful blue sky!" says Kaim.

"I think I'll just stand here a while, looking up at it, not thinking about anything at all. This might be a good time for you to run home to your son."

Kaim does as he says, looking up at the sky.

Before long, he hears the sound of footsteps running across the stone pavement.

"Make sure you come back alive Dok," Kaim mutters.

Kaim strolls along, looking up at the blue sky, until he disappears into the marketplace crowd.



Pilfer , 4:16 PM

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

While I was talking to her and asking her about how pple in her country felt about the pple in the north, I was reminded of this story.. it is taken from the game Lost Odyssey, in Kaim's 1000 years of dreams... And now that it seems like they are on the verge of war, it struck me even harder when I came to think about this story...

Beyond the Wall

The Wall is being demolished

Sledgehammers resound on both sides.

The Wall marked the national borders for decades --- until yesterday. „Border“ might not be the right word, however. Originally, both sides were part of a single nation. The country became divided owing to differences in ideology, and the two sides remained so mutually antagonistic that a high, thick wall had to be built. Those days are gone now.

A year ago, the leaders of the two sides shook hands in a historic reconciliation.

Today, after much preparation and coordination, the wall that symbolized the two sides' antagonism is being demolished. The sound of hammering signals the end of opposition and extols the beginning of peace.

„C'mon, give me a break!“ says Yuguno, spitting on the ground and glaring at the backs of the people swarming at the wall.

„Look at them, smiling like idiots. I can't believe it!“

He glances at Kaim by his side as if to say: „Right?“

His still-boyish face wears a scowl of disgust.

„Tell me, Kaim, you've been to a lot of different countries and seen al kinds of people. Can people just take years of hatred like that and throw it out the window?“

Kaim gives him a sour smile instead of replying.

Yuguno is a young man, the first person that Kaim became friends with shortly after he arrived in this border town. He is pleasant enough except for his stubborn hatred of people from the „other side“.

„One lousy handshake and I'm out of a job. I mean really, give me a break.“

Yuguno used to be a border guard – in other words, one of the men assigned to keep watch on the wall. He had volunteered, eager to kill anyone who dared to come over the wall from the other side. If his superiors had permitted it, he would have gladly crossed over and attacked the other side rather than waiting to fend off an invasion.

As a mandatory part of reconciliation, however, the border guards were disbanded. Unlike his brothers in arms, who quickly started new lives for themselves, Yuguno was left behind by the changing times.

„Tell me, Kaim, can people be allowed to just slough off their resentments so easily? Do they just not give a damn?“

Kaim does not respond to this.

He knows Yuguno is a victim of the age of confrontation.

Still just a young man --- a boy, even --- Yuguno has been thoroughly conditioned since childhood to view the other side as the enemy.

Watch out --- the other side could attack at any time.

Watch out --- the other side are all cruel, cold-hearted villains.

Watch out --- if the other side ever invaded us and occupied our towns, they'd burn down our houses, steal our property, kill our men, and assault our women.

Watch out --- the day is not far off when they will be invading us. It could be three days from now, or it could be tomorrow. They might be climbing the wall today. This very moment.

Watch out --- they've already sent their spies among us. And you can tell for sure who they are. They're the ones who extol and sympathize with the other side by word and by deed.

Watch out --- they're probing for the slightest gaps in our psychological armor. Remain alert. Be ready to draw your sword at any moment.

Watch out, Watch out, Watch out, Watch out.

There was much to be found out about the other side in the history books distributed in the schools on this side. The pictures of the people from the other side portrayed them all as ferocious demons.

„I'm not the only one, you know. All of us were taught the same thing. So how come everybody but me is so happy about the wall coming down?“ Yuguno asks, looking utterly bewildered by these new developments.

Again and again he repeats his disbelief.

Finally, Kaim cannot help but respond to him.

„You were too pure“, he says.

„What?“

„It's not your fault, Yuguno. It's the ones who filled your pure, honest heart with hatred.“

„What a second now, Kaim. The animals who live on the other side of the wall are the ones who did that to me, the horrible things they do...“

Kaim cuts him short.

„Have they ever done anything horrible to you?“

„Well sure, no, not really to me, but . . .“

„Well, you see...“

Yuguno is momentarily at a loss for words until all he can do is raise his voice and blurt out.

„It's true, though. The whole bunch of them are just horrible people!“

He folds his arms in a decided pout.

„How are they horrible? What did you ever see any of them do? When? Where?“

Yuguno stammers and sputters.

„Have you ever even met somebody from ever there?“ Kaim demands to know.

Yuguno hangs his head and shakes it from side to side.

With a grim smile, Kaim says:“Well, I have. And they're not devils or demons or anything of the sort. How could they be? You used to be part of the same country! But that stuff is beside the point anyway --- countries and races and tribes. You're all human beings. You're all the same.“

Yuguno stays silent, hanging his head.

Cheers erupt at the wall.

The wall that has separated the two worlds for decades has just now been broken through.

Representatives from his side and the other side walk through the opening, greet each other with smiles and firm handshakes, and embrace.

The cheers grow louder, and people --- mostly people of the younger generation --- gather in circles here and there, expressing their joy.

Yuguno glares down at his own shadow and asks Kaim.

„So, what should I do now? All I've ever done is hate. All I've ever known how to do is hate them.“

Kaim gives Yuguno a pat on the shoulder and says:

„It's not too late to change. You can start now.“

„Can I?“

„You can, I'm sure of it.“

Kaim is sure because he knows what it was like when both sides were a single country. It was a kindly nation. By no means rich. It was yet a happy country of compassionate people.

„I'm telling you, Yuguno, people can change.“

„If you say so . . .“

„Look over there, Yuguno. Look at those people enjoying themselves.“

Hesitantly, Yuguno raises his head. Around the wall a celebration is beginning. Young people are dancing, singing, toasting each other, engaging in conversation and all of them used to be companions of Yuguno's who received the same education he did. No doubt the young people on the other side were similarly educated to hate.

„What do you see over there? Demons? Devils?“

Yuguno shakes his head and lets the tightness out of his shoulders.

„I'm beginning to wonder, Kaim, why until now I've been so . . .“

Kaim pats him on the shoulder again to signal that he understands.

„People can change.“ he says, „They can change from hating to loving --- and from loving to hating.“

Yes, Kaim knows about that well. He saw how such a wonderfully unified country was divided in two at the end of a violent civil war.

„Don't change anymore.“ Kaim says, not just to Yuguno but to all the smiling young people.

A young girl hesitantly approaches Yuguno.

She is from the other side. She holds a plate full of cookies.

“Have some if you'd like,“ she says. „I baked them this morning.“

The cookies are heart-shaped.

Urged on by the smiling Kaim, Yuguno reaches out for a cookie, his face bright red.

„Thanks.“ he says shyly and takes a bite of his cookie.

„Good?“ she asks.

Yuguno turns a deeper shade of red and says: „Delicious!“


White birds cut across the blue sky ---

from the other side to this side,

from this side to the other.

The white birds sail through the sky almost joyfully, as if to tell the people below.

In the beginning, there were no borders!



Pilfer , 12:25 PM

Monday, June 07, 2010

if someone intends to play the role of another not to defame that someone but juz for fun.. wld it b obvious when things get out of control? or perhaps i'm missing some vital hints that wld haf otherwise told me where the stop sign is.. mayb this time i can try not to reach the extreme end n avoid falling despairingly into some abyss that doesnt really feel much different from what i've been going through anyway.. perhaps i dun nid to worry.. coz i'm used to it.. sometimes i realli feel how stupid i can b....


Pilfer , 10:34 PM