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Thursday, January 31, 2008
i seem to haf a superbly low EQ despite always thinking that im able to handle human relationships rather well.. but i realised that somehow i was eluded by my own mirages.. it seems like my mind somehow makes up this seemingly real but in actual fact the exact opposite of wat realli happened in the past.. ha.. its not all the things in the past but juz some.. n this illusion is juz but a thin layer of smoke or dust that prevents me from seeing the real me that i was from a glance.. but yet when i finally wipe the dust away, the hidden words seem to float up, revealing wat mite inevitably b the truth behind y i tot i cld change but still cldnt..
anyway it mite not b absolutely correct to describe it as such.. nor does it realli haf anything to do wif the fact that i started that paragraph wif saying how low my EQ cld actually b.. but i juz tot that i shld accept the fact that my past actually reflects correctly as to wat level my EQ cld actually b at..
i've always wanted to get married young.. i've always yearned to b in a relationship.. but yet i've nv been in a relationship up til now, im nowhere near anyone at the moment, n i'm probably definitely sure that i wun get married whilst in university.. that wld probably mean that the youngest age i cld get married wld b 25 or 26.. that wld also mean that i wldnt b able to b a young parent, nor will i b able to b a father by the age of 24, which wld b the lunar year of the dragon..
i seem to haf always complained that my life was a misery.. if i din rmb incorrectly that is.. from how i look at it, i haf definitely missed alot of opportunities, caused myself alot of regrets, chose paths that seem to lead to a place wif comparatively lesser attractions n other stuffs like that.. i've always tot that by relating to my elder brother n sister who were years apart from me, it meant that i had maturity of tot earlier than other pple.. but it seems to me now that my maturity of tot haf yet to develop fully even up til now.. n it probably onli started when i was in year 2 in pjc or even onli after i graduated.. having a more developed mind led me to c things that i probably haf not seen b4.. things like how i cld change my future into something that i'd at least b able to enjoy more b4 i die n reincarnate into another life.. i'm a believer of reincarnation.. although at times im oso much a believer of having a lingering afterlife..
i tend to do things that other pple deem to require alot of courage n determination.. but in actual fact, the 2 factors arent exactly required in order to accomplish certain objectives n goals.. all thats needed is the ability to clear ur mind n juz focus on doing the thing infront of u.. in other words, i'd say that its juz to think of nothing. think not of consequences, of other pple's feelings, of wat mite happen shld i fail to churn the expected results. in other words, its juz to act without thinking. thats something i've learned to control relatively well. bcoz i noe that i'l tend to think too much without putting anything into action, i've developed the skill to overwrite all my tots n juz go for it.. its somewat like becoming drunk n losing ur clear headedness n stuff like that.. but i can manage that without alcohol or losing my rationality.. ha..
many pple use blogs to attain different purposes. i basically blog to express about myself. to introduce myself to b something or someone that i want other pple to perceive. i used to think that that wld b something very different from wat i realli am.. but in actual fact, i cant realli differ that much.. i've tried to split my personality into multiple copies.. i may haf attained that or i may haf gone haywire wif that system or i cld haf juz all else failed.. but i juz feel that wat i speak here is more often more true than i think it is..