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Monday, February 11, 2008

i didnt feel like blogging yesterdae.. although i had the time to do so.. but after much deliberation, i decided to blog again. b4 the cny, there was all the packing n cleaning to do n i felt that it was much more of a hassle than previous years coz i dun rmb ever clearing so much stuff anyways.. n i nv realli enjoyed the cny very much. in the past, i'd c that getting money from cny was essential. or at least it was the good thing about cny. but for me this year, i din think getting
the ang baos were of much significant.. coz its all money from the family itself. n it doesnt realli make much of an impact to my pool of money at all.. despite the fact that any bit of money contributed to it is definitely helpful. but i nv realli made use of the ang bao money thruout the years. i onli kept them under my bed. i rarely take them out to use them unless i ran out of money n i din haf time to go to an atm. so i realli tot that cny wld juz b another bothersome thing or shld i say its juz another holidays.. which of coz isnt realli much of a holidae coz the time i spend at home is even lesser than when im working. since i'd b out visiting. but of coz i guess it still beats working. i din even blog about last year's cny n so i tot i'd probably do the same again this year.
but this year is a little different. i actually enjoyed it this time. well mayb i always haf enjoyed it. but i juz din notice it, unlike this year. i dunno wat the difference cld haf been. mayb age, mayb ns, i dunno.. i juz felt that this family that i belong to. it seems like a very strange feeling. that i mite actually fear losing this family.
but particularly the most obvious change in me this year is the fact that i actually feel that i like children. lolx. i haf this family of cousins who r at least 7 years younger than me. 4 of them, 13, 12,10 and 2 years old respectively. theres another boy whos 11 this year too.. but i onli saw him on the first dae.. so anyway. for the first time in years haf i actually missed these kids at the end of the dae. i dunno how they feel about this big brother, me. ha.. we used to play together alot.. coz i was still a little kid too when they were toddlers. but as the years went by, we started to distant away from each other. although i can still manage to talk to the eldest boy, the 2 subsequent girls seem to b a little afraid of me, in a sense.. ha. i dunno if thats juz my opinion but they definitely havent spoken to me this year. haha.. i wonder if its juz that they r growing up or their environment in which they've grown up in.. after all, i dun think they've spoken much to anyone else in the family too.. haa.. i guess i was asked to b a big brother to too many children whom i din c evrydae in to short a time at too young an age.. ha. i wld haf onli been primary 6 or secondary school when i rmb playing closely wif them.. haha.. i suppose i wld b able to do better as a big brother now than that time ba..
anyway, the 2 girls usually juz chatter between themselves..the reason y i managed to talk to the eldest boy was onli becoz i taught him a little rubiks cube tips too.. hah.. so i took the opportunity to learn more about how they are doing in school n stuff like that.. haha..den the youngest girl whos juz 2 years old or 3 this year la.. shes realli cute.. i nv tot i'd ever think that toddlers were cute.. haha.. coz they can b a huge nuisance at times.. hah.. but shes realli cute.. n she grew to like me a little bit more coz i played wif her a bit. it was juz a silly thing where i took the extra chips n mahjong tiles from the box n started stacking them up. n den i stacked up the chips n blew them to make them fall.. this quite entertained the little girl.. haha..
anyway the climax of my enjoyment probably ended on the 4th dae.. coz the 4th dae itself wasnt realli much for me.. or mayb its juz coz i had developed a little headache n its still hurting me now.. although i think its juz an old ailment.. haha.. or mayb its juz that i cant stop thinking abt stuff at the moment. i cldnt realli slp well last nite as i cldnt stop myself from thinking.. thinking about lots of stuff.. stuff that cld frighten me, stuff that cld make me sad.. stuff that cld decide wat direction i shld go. stuff that i cant seem to recall no matter how hard i try to think about them.. stuff that can lead me to thinking that living is a pain.. i tot about death again todae.. my death that is.. although i noe that i will nv commit suicide, for fear of pain.. lolx.. but i juz tot of it.. how evrything wld b so much more relaxed if i did.. lolx..
due to personal reasons, i've also decided to filter the things that i realli feel as opposed to the things that i blog about.. some truth may not b the entire truth. but it still holds truth in itself.. its juz a matter of wat u r able to perceive n wat u shld not take in ba..


Pilfer , 9:49 AM

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