Archives
Links
Tagboard
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i've lost the reason to blog about certain things again... n i had a few things which i wanted to pen down as well..
firstly, having a great pal, a buddy, a best fren.. does it mean that it will go both ways? the great pal of A, B, will treat A as a great pal as well.. does it haf to b mutual for this system to work? or does it haf a possibility to go one way? or does it not count if its a one way thing...
i'm lost again trying to find someone to love.. perhaps no one requires the love that i m capable of giving.. which brought me to a door which reads 'frens'.. at this point of time i find pple whom i've not met in a long time.. n oso pple whom i've not been even frens wif.. juz mere acquaintances.. perhaps the army is taking too much of my time.. perhaps its a good thing.. im not sure anymore..
i nid some pple to distract me.. to take up my time.. if i were to distract myself, i'd onli haf video games to do so.. n thats not exactly the most useful... i mite nid to wear down my physical body as well...
i m lonelier than i ever haf been.. anything positive is multiplied by 0.01.. n anything negative is 100x magnified.. at this rate.. all i can think about is ending up onli feeling the happiness of others overflowing n splashing onto me.. but my cup of happiness.. it has a closed off lid.. which cannot b filled from the overflowing pails of others... i can onli b happy for a brief moment.. when the droplets fall on the sides b4 slowly dripping off me........
if onli... i cld find someone similar to me in this aspect..... i've seen myself in several of my frens.. a part of me is reflected in them.. but those are different aspects of myself.. yet no one seems to feel the way i feel.. perhaps.. i m heavily misunderstood... perhaps... i haf a warped sense of logic..
i used to deny that my logic is different.. or even wrong... but i've come to accept that it realli cld b that way.....
yh said to me that it is juz the mindset.. she is still happy n free being by herself... i agreed wif that.. that it is juz the mindset.. but unfortunately.. my mindset strays from that which she adopts.. perhaps it is the inability to change my own mindset that is the cause of my own misery... but yet.. misery is but too heavy a word.. i haf no real emotion.. so i cannot feel misery.. i can only feel minor sadness..
i seem to possess a gallon of hatred.. of negative feelings n tots.. which i always tot that i cld easily unleash upon anyone or evryone... but lately i realise that i may haf forgotten that i've actually bottled up almost too much negativity such that it cannot fit thru the passageway to exit... it is a solid being n thus it can onli reside within me for however long a time it takes to dissipate...