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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
perhaps most pple wld say that once we've all grown up, we haf to kick our dependency habit aside.. learn to become an independent individual.. sure i believe that i m able to do that.. but thats onli when i'm by myself.. if i choose to neglect or ignore those around me n rely all on myself.. i will b able to thrust thru many things n come out of it.. but yet evry human tend to want to b a part of a group.. to haf pple to rely on.. even if not all the time, those little bits of times when u juz feel like someone shld b there to support u.. even if juz wif moral support, it wld make one feel so much better..
perhaps because of this, i m forced to enter a stage of denial.. or shld i say i m split up.. i haf nv been able to strike a balance in anything that i do.. i tend to go to the extremes.. which is probably y i'l nv be able to achieve much without anyone thinking or even pointing out to me how strange i haf been...
for the past month i've done so many things by myself... its not like i did not try to do things wif my frens.. but perhaps i did not try hard enuff... im not sure... but i nv wanted to enforce my will on others.. if i ask once n u dun agree.. then i'l juz accept that... but i feel that i've realli done alot of things that almost evryone did not do by themselves.. i attended arts camp by myself.. sure theres probably more who did that too.. and it wasnt exactly a difficult thing to do.. as a matter of fact, nothing was too difficult since it was juz socializing which although im not a master of, im not afraid of it either.. so after arts camp, was precamp.. which although there was participation wif a few frens, i still feel that my overall feel of precamp was that i did it all by myself again.. of coz that meant that i'd made new frens... but to meet a grp of pple who've alreadi bonded together.. its realli hard not to feel left out at times.. n being me, i cannot differentiate which smiles are real n which are fake... i'd usually assume that evryone is frenly but deep down i probably cant convince myself 100%.. so i'd still feel that i cannot fit in...
after precamp i was told about rag n rag dance.. sure i did this on my own accord but at first my stand was alreadi clear.. that O week had priority over rag dance.. but someone, i forgot who, convinced me that the 2 cld go hand in hand.. n so i signed up for rag dance.. which currently i feel that im not cut out for... i may not b smart or clever.. but comparing my physical capabilities to my academic or 'mental' capabilities, i'd say that im not exactly suitable to do physical activities at all.. but since i've alreadi gotten myself aboard, i'd try my best.. but sometimes my best juz isnt enuff..
perhaps all these isnt realli enuff to pull me down.. perhaps it is the event that i feel that im losing all the frens that i've made since arts camp.. perhaps it is the fact that i feel i cant connect to anyone anymore... that i've lost even those frens that i've made prior to uni.. prior to NS... prior to jc... looking back at my past.. wat exactly haf i collected thru my life... perhaps i've lived my life wif being alone in mind... from the way i live, i'l probably b living happily ever after if there wasnt any expectations of settling down n starting a family.. but in life... there is always expectations.. even from the person himself... no matter how hard i try not to give myself any expectations or targets related to age, they still surface after time passes by...
tired of living but yet unable to cut life... perhaps i juz nid time to get past this stage of life.. as how i've always been getting by is juz let time take its toll.. evrything will go by soon enuff...