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Sunday, February 27, 2011
I tot about writing an entry today time after time. but still i cldnt bring myself to write anything, becoz i've been playing facebook games.. lolx.. but of coz i've finally decided to bring myself to writing something. mainly becoz i'm feeling super unwell rite now.. started wif a bad cough this morning and now i'm really feeling sick.. so i lay on my bed and tot about some things that i've been making myself busy wif this few days.
it is about a girl. im not sure if i can say that it is obvious that i'l only b troubled by guy girl problems.. bcoz i've been living my own life thinking that my heart shld b dead by now since i've nv been even close to anyone b4. much less any single particular girl in my life. but yet i've always been attracted by girls that i meet, b it for the first time, or again after a long time.
this time, of coz, is about a girl that i've only met for once in my life. shes a korean that i got to noe thanks to signing up for a buddy program in nus and juz so happened that i got to noe this grp of pple who juz so happened to b able to jio this korean girl to our outing coz she came to singapore for holidays for that one week only. so after that she went back to korea n i nv got to see her again, except perhaps on facebook.
but im troubled not becoz i'm deeply in love wif her n not being able to c her is making me sick. thats not the case. the case here is that due to some reason, i decided that i cld take this chance to do something for her. initially i did not think i'l fall too deeply becoz i was clear about wat i was doing.. and perhaps up to now this remains the same.
but perhaps becoz this remains the same, i've begun to think y m i doing this? something that has no apparent returns for me. m i really so selfless that i cld do something thats so troublesome to me, juz so that i cld cheer her up? n im not even sure if i had that ability to cheer her up...
but all this perhaps does not matter. i do not regret making this decision n i will still go ahead n make all the preparations n try to let my presents n wishes reach her on time. wat matters perhaps is what i was thinking of when i lay on my bed resting my unhealthy body.
i tot to myself. that i was suffering by myself. nobody noes. nobody wld bother to noe. even if somebody knew, they wldnt do anything for me.
i lay there thinking. thinking about the things that i was going to do - the preparations for the gift. i tot, those things are solely for that one girl, it has no apparent benefit for myself now. i can only keep coughing and try to bear wif my unwell body.
perhaps im repeating myself over n over again. im not so clear headed rite now. but all i noe is that, i've always been a negative person. a pessimistic person.. so why does this society look down on me so? why why why why why why............................... perhaps i'm juz complaining becoz im sick.. when im well again i'l probably make another post.. which i hope wld b more explanatory than this one...